Wow, What a Cite

           
Wow, What a Cite
by Danny Simonet
         Modern science is defined as the study of God-knows-what. Through a combination of strict biblical studies and vapid calculations, we learned that God has a peculiar interest in human behaviour - namely, their writings. On the first draft of the Bible (and every draft thereafter, actually), He asked, "Are these people credible?" Later studies have shown new questions with the changing times - new standards, new writers.  "What grade did this person receive on such a paper? Will this person get in trouble without the citations and, if so, will I see it on the news?" (Though significantly less important, the churches have received a much-ignored revision, failing grade, and the comment, "I believe you all missed my damn points.")
         Following His footsteps, we will analyse the proper use of citations in modern texts using SCIENCE, gliding from credibility (statistical data generated using a lottery-like system) to quality (the grade you receive in juvie- I mean school) to plagiarism ("Copying is the sincerest form of flattery"). Prepare your lab books and take notes as you scrutinise others' writings and learn from their heinous mistakes, lest you wish for your own essay to be on the receiving end of the metaphorical microscope.
         Firstly, credibility, or ethos, is incredibly important in an essay and even in life. Without the use of citations, an audience would assume that facts are made up, thus decreasing credibility. In fact, 71% of statistics are simply created, evident by the lack of source. Of the 29% of real facts, 95% of those are not cited, leading to mass confusion and 100% lack in trust. Trust should therefore be withheld regarding any governmental relations and any semi-educational test with an emphasis on scantrons.
         I'm quite sure these numbers speak volumes - conflicting studies show the importance of statistics and the highly-dubious conclusions they incite, a must-have for any research paper to have a shred of decency. The citations behind the numbers, however, make the great impact, mainly in relaxing your readers' psyches - you're smart enough to look for important-looking numbers and trustworthy enough to show how you found them on The Onion.
         Moving along now, let's discuss the merits of citations with regard to the letter "A". Your high school years (don't cringe) were probably the first time a citation was ever proposed as 'important', mainly because it affected the paper's grade. Move into your mind palace, assuming we are past the level of cardboard box, and flip through your metaphysical library book labelled "Things I Never Want to Remember". Check - have you ever received an "A" on an essay without citations? (Never mind the possibility of never actually receiving an "A" on any essay.) Trust me and God, as I slyly reference the forgotten and generally useless introduction, when I say I found myself with a 97% on my last research paper about Dumbo from Dumbo with seven legitimate sources. Of course, such a grade could simply be attributed to my mad essay skills effused throughout the paper, but, overall, it's the citations. Teachers dig the citations.
         Probably most important, though, is the chance of plagiarism in papers. Plagiarism, especially at universities, is fairly illegal - most definitely not encouraged. Penalties are a thing to try to curb this behaviour. There is probably a prison sentence, but one is also kicked out of university for plagiarism and can no longer return... to school... Wait, are we still talking about punishments here?
         Regardless, after two strikes, a person is dropped from the class faster than a hot, dope beat, which kind of puts a damper on one's reputation and future, comparable to the aforementioned marijuana (dope is marijuana). In fact, plagiarism is like drugs; copying and marijuana both affect someone's psyche in a negative way and land some moron (seriously, how does someone get caught with weed?) in jail. Oh, but speaking of psyche, I have a question about yours!
         Is there a burning sensation in your chest right now? No, it's probably not heartburn (but if it is, I feel you - heartburn sucks). This scorching sentiment is an unquenchable rage as you realise that everything in this essay is complete and utter horseshit. Or... is it? Who really knows? I didn't freaking cite anything. I sure as hell hope you feel this rage because that's how the rest of us feel when you don't cite.
         Read it and weep.