When the Bombs Stop

When the Bombs Stop

Mummy won’t stop crying.  She keeps saying over and over to herself that everything is all right, but I dunno.  She doesn’t cry much when it’s all right.  I think she’s talking to herself more than me.  She keeps touching my hair.  I don’t really like it when she smooths down my hair all the time, but it’s okay right now. 

I’m really scared.  I would think that she is too, but my mummy doesn’t get scared.  Not even when there’s a rat in the pantry.  Then, she was just “surprised”, but she didn’t look like she liked that surprise very much. 

I think it was mean of the rat to have such a bad surprise for Mummy, but Mummy says all surprises are ‘meant well’ and we’re supposed to say “thank you very much”, even though I didn’t like the sweater Gran gave me very much.

         There’s another one of those big noises.  I don’t like them.  Mummy says they’re called ‘bums’, and bad people are making them happen, but I don’t understand.  Why would anyone want to make my Mummy cry?  Even a bad person?  That rat wasn’t mean enough to make her cry, even, just do a little noise in her throat that hurt my ears. 

Also, I thought a bum was a man who didn’t have a job.  But some words mean two things at once, like my name.  My teacher says my name, Albert, when she’s ‘taking roll’, and my mummy uses my name, Albert, when she’s mad at me.

         The bum made dust shake loose from the ceiling.  Mummy was messing with my hair when the sound happened, and her fingers hurt my head.  She pulls back her hand and there is red at the tips and my head hurt really really badly.  I start crying a little.  Mummy starts mumbling I’msorryAlbieI’msorry and I get a weird feeling that she means more than hurting my hair by mistake. 

         There’s this lady next to us and she’s crying really really hard and holding this little cross and beads and talking really quickly under her breath.  There’s a man on the other side of us who isn’t doing much of anything.  He’s just staring ahead of him really quietly and he keeps mumbling thosebloodybuggers, didn’tItellyou,ma? Didn’tItellyou? over and over.  I don’t see his ma there, though.  He’s all alone.  So why’s he talking to her?  Is it like how Mummy kept talking to Gran after she went up to heaven with all the angels?

I wanna ask mom what a bloodybugger is but I’m scared because once I said that to her and she smacked me and wanted to know where I learned that.  I didn’t want to tell her my friend Jimmy told me because I was scared Jimmy’s mummy would slap him too. 

There’s this other man and a woman and they have their faces smashed together and they look like they are hurting each other, sucking their faces like that.  He keeps mumbling too, he’s mumbling Iloveyou, and she’s mumbling Iloveyou and I’m really confused.  If they love each other, why do they keep smashing their lips together like that?  That isn’t very nice.  Mummy says we should never hurt our friends, unless it’s an accident, like how she hurt my head and got red in her fingernails from me.

The man starts twisting his fingers through the woman’s hair and his other hand was on her back moving down the buttons one at a time.  Mummy pulls my face into her chest so I can’t see.

Mummy’s mumbling something under her breath too, rocking back and forth like she’s in our old rocking chair, except she’s not.  I wish everyone would stop mumbling.  The bums are so loud and I don’t understand why everyone’s mumbling.  One mummy with a little girl keeps saying shhh, Margie, shh! but I don’t know why.

There’s another blast from above our heads and more dust shakes loose.  Some people scream.  Someone else cries.  I don’t cry.  Mummy said we’d be safe in here, that’s why we had to leave the house in the middle of the night and go to the tube station.  The bums can’t get us in here.  But if we’re safe, and everything’s all right, why is Mummy still crying?

The noise hurts my ears, and so I sit in mummy’s lap and put my face in her chest.  She puts her arms around me really tight, and she doesn’t say “you’re hurting my back, Albie, get off.” like normal. 

“Can you tell me a story?”  I ask, putting my arms around her neck and playing with her locket she wears all the time.

“Yeah, Albie… What would you like to hear?”  She asks, her voice comes out all funny and tiny.  There’s another noise and someone shouts It’s cracking! but I don’t know what that means so it can’t be too important. 

“I wanna hear about you and Daddy.”  I say.  Her face twists up all funny.  I miss Daddy a lot, Mummy says he’s a hero, but I don’t see why that means he can’t put me up on his shoulders anymore, or talk to me, or make Mummy giggle. 

“A-Alright…”  She murmers, smoothing my hair again.  I wiggle away from her fingers and she stops. 

“Well, I was working in a shop in London, and he came in.  He looked so good in his army uniform, and he asked if I would give him the pleasure of a walk with him through the city… I told him I’d be working until seven, but he stayed and waited for me.  I didn’t think that he would.  He was a very nice man and he was very handsome, and soon we got married.  Then a stork came and brought you to us because we got lonely and wanted a baby.  And that’s all that happened.”

         Another blast made her shriek and hold me tighter.  I started wanting to cry too.  Everyone looked so scared.  There’s this old man holding a really tiny baby and the baby starts crying and he doesn’t seem to notice.  Nobody else does either.  Everyone is too busy being scared. 

         “We oughtn’t of started this!”  Someone screams, standing up and throwing his hands in the air.  His hair is all crazy and his eyes look mean and wild.  “Those bloody fools!  It’s those bloody Germans and their bloody Hitler that did it, it’s them!  We’re all going to die and it’s his fault!  That blighter’s going to GET US ALL KILLED!”

         “SHUT UP, YOU BLOODY IDIOT! YOU’RE SCARING THE CHILDREN!”  A woman shrieked.  Then the man said a bunch of words I’d never heard before, but that sounded really mean.  Another blast made them all shut up and go back to mumbling.  I was glad.

         Mummy gasped and hid my head in her chest.  It’scracking she mumbled.  But aren’t we safe in here?  I don’t understand.  I don’t seem to understand a lot of things.  Mummy is rocking back and forth really quickly.  I wish Daddy was here.  He would know what to do to make Mummy feel better.  He said that was my job now, but I’m not good at it.  When he left he got down on one knee in front of me and wiped my tears away and told me to be brave.

         “You’re the man of the house while I’m gone, Albie.  Be big and brave, okay?  Take care of your mother.  Hug her really hard if she gets sad.  I’ll see you soon, buddy.  Everything will be all right.”  He’d said.  Then he’d hugged me too tight and it hurt, but it was a good hurt, like when my leg hurts and Mummy says it’s growing pains and it’ll make me a big strong man like Daddy.

Then he hugged Mummy really really tight and he put his hat in front of their faces so I couldn’t see them and I heard weird sucking and squelching noises.  When he pulled the hat away Mummy was still crying but she was smiling too and her lips were red and she looked like she was blushing.  Daddy says women are hard to understand and I think so too.  How can you be happy and sad all at once?  Then he touched her bottom and she jumped and glared at him like she was mad but she wasn’t, then they hugged again and he left.  I wish he’d hugged me again.

         I don’t know why he said “everything will be all right.” even though it wasn’t.  He’s still not back yet.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m only five, I’m not a good ‘man of the house’.  I can’t make Mummy not cry. 

         “Mummy?  Why is Daddy not here?”  I asked.  I’ve asked this a lot, and I know what she’ll say, but I want to hear it again.

         She sniffles like she’s got a cold and smiles weirdly.  Her lips are red and shiny from the salty tears she keeps leaking. 

         “W-Well, there’s a man from a country called Germany, and he’s really mean.”  She starts.  Her voice is all quavery and quiet at first, but as she says it, she starts sounding kind of angry.  I think this man has to be really mean to make my mummy cry and be angry all at once, just like Daddy has to be really nice to make Mummy cry and be happy all at once.

         “His name is Hitler.  He wants to control everyone.  Remember how Robbie was?”

         I nod.  Robbie was my bestest friend when I was four, last year.  he liked playing with my toys all the time, but then he started taking them.  He’d hit me and say he wanted my toys.  We aren’t bestest friends anymore.  But he still has some of my toys because I’m not brave enough to take them.  I promise myself that when we get out of here I’m going to take the toys back.  I’m gonna be brave now, so Mummy won’t cry anymore.

         “Hitler is like Robbie.  He wants what everyone else has, except he’s worse.  He kills people.”

         “What does ‘kill’ mean?”

         “He makes them dead.  Their bodies get all pale and still and their soul goes away.”

         “To heaven?”

         “Yes, to heaven.”

         “Like Gram?”

         “Yes, Albie, just like Gram.”  Her voice chokes off a little.  I don’t know why.  Gram’s supposed to be happy now.  Mummy says Gram’s happy now, and heaven’s a beautiful place.  What’s so bad about being dead?  Mummy wouldn’t cry if she was dead and in heaven.

         “Did Hitler kill Gram?”

         “No, Albie, Gram just got sick.”

         “Okay.  Keep telling me the story?”

         There’s another bum blast.  Mummy looks up at the ceiling and gasps.  She pulls my face really close like she did when those two people were sucking on each other’s lips and stuff so I couldn’t see.  Her heart is going really really fast.  Mummy squeezes her eyes shut really tight.  A bunch more tears fall out and down her lips.  I’m scared she’s going to shrivel up because of all the tear-water she’s losing.  Her face goes really really pale like she’s practicing being dead. 

         “Anyway,”  She continues.  She sounds like she’s trying really hard to be brave.  “Your daddy went to help stop Hitler so he can’t kill any more people.”

         “When will he come back to us?”  I ask.  Her face twists up all funny.  I hear her mutter something, it sounds like ifwe’restillhere, and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to hear her say that. 

There’s another explosion.  She cringes but doesn’t make a noise like everyone else.  Her face gets so pale that she’s like one of the white flowers Daddy brought her that one time.  I see her huge brown eyes and pale, pale skin, then suddenly all the lights buzz and go out.  I stiffen and so does she.  Everyone screams again.  I can’t see Mummy, but I feel her because we’re curled up together cuddling.

         Her voice gets all soft and funny.  “He’ll come back when the w-war ends.”  I don’t know why she stumbled over the word “war”.  I don’t even know what ‘war’ means.  The lights sort of buzz and flicker back on, flicking on and off and on and off until I’m dizzy.  She raises her hand to pat my head, then pauses. 

There’s blood all over her palms, and fingernail marks in them.  She puts her hand down and it’s back in a fist by my back like before.  I see all the veins standing out in them.  The afterimage burns my eyeballs when the lights wink out again.  They stay off for another second then stay on for good.

“When will the war end?”

“When the bombs stop, precious.”  She murmurs weakly.  She hasn’t called me ‘precious’ since I was a baby.  But it’s okay now, because I don’t think anything else it.  When nothing’s okay, we have to try and make as much okay as possible for ourselves, I guess.

The next bomb blast is really loud, really really really loud.  There’s a cracking noise and mummy screams, yanking me up and pulling me away.  We run towards a wall, and so does everyone else.  She pushes me behind her and my head hits the corner of the wall.  She hugs me so tight it hurts, and her back faces outwards. 

She keeps mumbling ohgodohgodohgod over and over.  I don’t know what that means.  The ceiling keeps making weird cracking noises, then the ceiling begins to crumble.  Mummy screams really loud and covers her head.

“NOT MY BABY!”  She screams really loudly as the rocks fall in.  She pushes me down into the corner.  I hit my head again and she lays on top of me, covering all of me with her body and arms.

A big rock falls right on top of us.  Mummy stops screaming and goes really quiet.  And then it’s over.

It’s raining.  I didn’t know that before, but now I do.  There’s no ceiling anymore and there’s only two walls.  What happened to everything else?  Why won’t Mummy get off me? 

There is a minute where nobody says anything.  All I hear is my heart and the rain.  No more bums, I mean, bombs.  Nothing’s happening anymore.  Then someone screams.

It’s a scream like nothing I’ve ever heard before.  It’s a high, keening wail, like an animal in the zoo would make, but louder and sadder.  Soon everyone’s joining the screaming woman, making screams of their own.  Mummy isn’t screaming, though. 

There’s something wet on my face.  I look up and see red falling from the corner of Mummy’s mouth.  Did she bite her tongue?  Why is she so quiet?  I call her name but she doesn’t answer.  I carefully wiggle out from under her and roll her onto her back.  She still won’t answer me.

“M-Mummy?”  I ask, shaking her arm.  She stares at me, but doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything.  “Mummy! MUMMY!”

Am I in trouble?  Did I make her angry?  Something shiny is in her hair.  I reach up and put my hand on it. and the hand comes away red, with streaks of pinkish-orange and bits of white hard stuff in it.  I see some of it’s blood, like when I bit her finger when I was three, but I don’t know what the rest of it is.

She can’t be asleep, her eyes are open really wide.  I can’t feel her heartbeat.  She isn’t breathing.  Something is very wrong.

“MUMMY! MUMMY! MUMMY WAKE UP!”  I don’t mean to scream, I mean to be brave like my daddy, like Mummy, but I can’t.  I’m really scared.  What is wrong with her?  I’m shaking her arm, then I’m pounding her with my fists. 

“MUMMY!  WHERE DID YOU GO?  DON’T GO SOMEWHERE I CAN’T FOLLOW YOU TO!”  She doesn’t answer.  She doesn’t answer.  She doesn’t answer.  Someone else screams really loudly.  It’s me.  My throat hurts, but I don’t care.  I raise my head and scream as loudly as I can.  I’ll turn back time, I’ll be so loud that the bombs go back in the sky and the Hitlers leave and my daddy is back and my mummy stops being still and pale and Robbie gives back my toys that he took.

Mummy’s hair isn’t brown anymore, some of it’s red, some of it has pieces of white in it, and there’s dust and bits of rock all through it.  There’s blood running off of her fingers and into the dust.  It’s so bright red and pretty, like Mummy’s poinsettia-flowers at Christmastime. 

She’s got a tear still on the edge of her eyelash.  It looks all bright and pretty like a little drop of dew.  We used to go out and look at the dew together in the morning.  Daddy always used to ask whether Mummy wanted a diamond or a dewdrop, and she’d always say they were both the same thing, just that one would cost the house and the other was free and less permanent.  I didn’t know what that meant, but I like the way the dewdrops look.  A bunch of rain falls on her face, making little streams of pinkish-red run down her arms and away through the rocks.  Her tear gets lost in all the rain.

There’s a man and he comes over to us, he’s crying too, just like Mummy.  “I’m so sorry.”  He says, trying to hug me.  I pull away and look at him, trying to sound fierce and brave.

“Why?”

He ignores my question and tries to take my hand.  “Here, little boy, come away from there.”

“No!”  I shriek, hiding behind Mummy.  She’s still not answering.  Something is very very wrong.  “I’m not going anywhere until my mummy’s better!”

His face goes all funny and he picks me up.  “Your mummy’s gone, son.  I’m so sorry.”

“WHERE?”  I scream, trying to wiggle away from him and back to my mummy.  “She would never leave me!  Go away!”

There were a few more adults gathered around now, and a lot of people were digging around in the rocks.  Some people were still wailing like they were hurt really badly by something.  Some people were holding bodies, some crushed and twisted up looking, others just asleep like Mummy. 

The man holding me lifted me up until I thought I’d smash into the sky.  “DO YOU SEE?”  He screamed, shaking me above his head for effect.  The sky rumbled.  I wondered who he was talking to.  “DO YOU SEE WHAT YOUR WARS HAVE BROUGHT!” 

I got scared and started to cry.  Why was he yelling at me?  What even was ‘war’?

He set me down and I looked at Mummy again.  She was completely pale, even her lips, and when I touched her hand… It was cold. 



So this was what ‘war’ meant.