Nun with a cactus garden, or on track?

I am 34, recently unemployed by choice, in the perfect relationship (finally), and find myself battling feeling content and being scared to death.
Let me start off by saying, when I was a teenager I always said "I won't get married and start a family until I'm 35". Well, 35 is 8 months away and apparently I can read the future. I've finally found my "one" and I can say with confidence that I will fulfill my teenage premonition.

That's where feeling content comes into play.

Why I also feel scared to death, well that was something, in my teenage wisdom, I did not predict.

If I knew then what I knew now, Iâm pretty sure I would have predicted I would have been a Nun, or a hermit with a cactus garden. I suppose I could still go down that path, if I let the fear get the best of me, but Iâve chosen to steer clear of the monastery; however, I do have a cactus garden. So I guess it could still go either way.

I always thought I was supposed to cater to everyone else; leave my thoughts, feelings, wants and needs in a daydream; however, six months ago I decided to focus on me. Hold your applause; it hasnât been as beautiful as it sounds.

I found out a lot about myself; good and bad. Iâve hurt someone I loved very much, even if it was for the wrong reasons, and its taken time to come to terms with it. That battle isn't over yet. I've removed myself from certain friends and family, and I've forced myself to look at where I was, who I was, and it wasn't pretty.

I've always been good at giving advice to others; seeing so clearly where they have gone wrong and what they need to do; however, my own life was in turmoil. I knew it, but if I focused on others I didnât feel so bad about myself. Helping others has always been what Iâve been good at, and that seemed to outweigh the lack of attention to my own life.

Then I made THE decision. The decision to leave someone I loved dearly. The decision not move where my company wanted me to. The decision to take a chance on a guy I barely knew. The decision to do what felt right, and after years of being what was expected of me, I finally found myself.

So where does being scared to death come in? Well, when you have been someone other than yourself for so long, it is new territory to deciding to not only admit that youâve been a fraud for so long, but to then show who you really are to those around you.

It's a constant battle to wonder if youâve done the right thing. Should I have stayed in the relationship I was in; always hoping it would get better, dreaming that one day he would realize I was the one he really wanted, spending money I didn't have to make him comfortable enough not to want to leave?

Should I have stayed in my job and moved to place that had broken me once before? Continued to be stressed, underestimated, treated as an unequal, constantly fighting for what right because the outcome of my job was more important than the day to day drama?

Should I stop being kind and helping people who I thought were my friends, only to realize they used me when it benefited them? Should I smile and hug them when I saw them at the grocery store, only to hear their negative comments as soon as walked away?

I'm sure you, the reader, are screaming in your mind "YES! Of course you should leave all of that! What is wrong with you?" When I remove myself from my situations, from my life, I am right there with you, but this has been the only thing I've known.

I'm not used to not having friends (even if they are fake), not working, not caring what others think of me. I'm the life of the party. I'm professional, yet bring the humor to work kind of gal. I'm the person who will buy you dinner or drinks if I see you are down, even if spending that money causes me to eat Raman noodles until payday.

In all honesty, I'm not even sure why I signed up for this; however, I've always been told that I have a flare for re-telling stories that I've experienced, and although this is sort of a downer one, and not very humorous or entertaining, this wasn't meant for you, the reader, this was meant for me.

This is a result of three glasses of wine, and an empty house.

This is my beginning of a new chapter in discovering who I am, and what makes me happy. So fasten your seatbelts, pour a glass of wine or pop open a Guinness, because I've never been one to hold things back, I've never put a Disney Princess spin on my life. "It is what it is." is my favorite motto.

And begin!