College Essay

Before reading my essay, I want to make my intentions clear. This is my college essay rough draft. I am answering the prompt from common app that asks where I feel most content. I gave my very first draft to my English teacher and she gave me advice on how to improve the essay, however, I am stuck and am seeking help/advice from fellow writers. I will include the notes and advice she gave me with the corresponding pieces of the essay. All of my teachers comments will be put in footnotes. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, I will take all suggestions into serious consideration. A big thank you to anyone willing to help me! Xx



          My eyes open to crimson walls and the illusion of city life. As I squint through the foggy haze of the morning, for a brief moment, I imagine that the skyline I see is outside the window of my small, yet extremely expensive apartment looking over the city of Manhattan. For these few short seconds, I not only feel content but also exactly where I belong. When reality begins to set in I realize that I’m lying in bed hundreds of miles away from the place I long to be most. That skyline I see? It’s just the mural on my bedroom wall. To me, the New York City skyline on my wall is like a fingerprint, maybe even my fingerprint. It’s as if my love for New York is what defines who I am.{footnote:"#"}Doesn’t quite make sense. Fingerprint should be directly connected to identity if that is what you are trying to say…Although I love the relaxation that washes over me just before I fall into the deep sleep my body so achingly begs for every night, my love for New York City is so much stronger.{footnote:"#"}Confusing - I thought it was morning? City life in Rhode Island is nothing compared to the enormity of Manhattan.

          My childhood entailed occasional trips to the city. At that time, not much of those trips burned into my memory. However, the people and the busy-ness of the city have always been vivid in my mind. Most people who visit the city see a fast moving ever changing place, but for me time comes to a quiet halt (which more often than not will lead to me almost missing my train or bus ride home.) I remember being small and my mom and my grandfather switching off when it came to giving me piggyback rides because I often wandered off to discover something newer and more fascinating than the last. What stuck with me the most from my childhood trips to New York was that we always seemed to go during the winter. Winter air in the city seems so much more brutal than it does in Rhode Island, yet there are always enormous amounts of people walking around. The sounds of the city are captivating. There is always something happening, never any silence.

         Now at 17 years old, instead of being fascinated by all the lights (which are still as gorgeous as ever), I find myself fascinated in the behaviors of the people around me and watching how the NYPD interacts with every day citizens of New York. Looking back through my childhood I struggle to identify the exact time or experience that has caused New York city to become the place I feel most fulfilled but I do know it helped to mold me into the person I am today. New York City and one of its most famous citizens, Spiderman, led me to want to find my passion to follow the path of criminal justice. To many individuals, Spiderman is the least important superhero of them all but to me he is my favorite. Since he was human first, Spiderman possesses basic human flaws much like any other high school or college student. Spiderman spends his days catching common criminals, not just well-known villains or for the attention that comes along with it. He is dedicated to the protection of the city that I love. Comparably, I have become very interested in helping those less fortunate.{footnote:"#"}Hmmm…I get what you are trying to do in the paragraph, but the sudden Spiderman comparison derails the focus of the essay…hence, this whole paragraph should be rewritten.

          Like Spiderman, I am dedicated to becoming a protector of victims. I aim to one day protect and serve the citizens of the United States.{footnote:"#"}You need a story to show how this is your passion…I don't know if I will be protecting the citizens of New York or Providence or Chicago but regardless of where my career path leads me my safe place will always remain the same. The city of New York will always be a piece of the puzzle that created me.{footnote:"#"}cliche, do not use









I tried to add footnotes but it didn't work....any advice?