Chapter 3

III Triggers, dissociation, flashbacks....a reason for leaving….



The evening wore on with stories and remembrance of family time together. The last of the customers left and the four of them sat around the table with dirty plates and a bowl of orange wedges chewed threw. Geraldo leaned against the table as he did earlier in the evening and addressed Alex in a curious tone of inquisition. "OK my brother it is time to fess up about your distant travels and leaving in the manner you did." Antoinette looked puzzled at her brothers statement and turned to Alex, "What is he saying Alex?"
My brother wants some answers to my skirting his inquisition of my where-bouts earlier this evening before we came to the restaurant."
"I see, you stirred up his pot of where you have been all this time and no contact with those who care about you. Well, lets hear your story scrapper."
Now even mamma was looking at Alex with intent. The three of them peering at him like a greek chorus waiting for the cue to chime in with...I told you so , it was written and the Gods have spoken.
Alex poured the last of the Tequila in a glass and took it without an orange slice, winced with gritting teeth and sighed. Antoinette took that as a sign and said they were going to need another jug from the look on his face. Geraldo nodding in agreement and mamma asked for another glass of red wine, commenting that she felt it was going to be a long night, as she cleared the dishes and went into the kitchen.
Antoinette was pouring Tequila from a large container into the jug when her mother slid along side and whispered. "Alex looked scared just now, do you think something terrible happened to him after he left or before, maybe the reason he left so suddenly." Antoinette shrugged her shoulders as if to say she doesn't know, but told her mother she was glad he was back and she had missed him terribly. Her mother stroked her back and said that she new and understood.
Antoinette smiled and whispered in her mother's ear, " Thank you mother, I do care for him so.” They stayed in the kitchen and cleaned things up, leaving the two men in the dining room.
"So Geraldo you want me to come clean." Geraldo put his arms up as he did when he first saw Alex earlier and smiled, "Yes, you have been gone so long and all of us were concerned for you, you are family, did you forget that?" "No, I didn't" "Then why you didn't come back.”
"It is a long story…" "I know your story, remember we were attached at the hip in prison, no one could separate us."
"I know, it is just…just, there are things about me you don't know and I couldn't voice. I am deeply troubled Geraldo." "So troubled we couldn't be there for you, all of us together?" "No, all of you couldn't, it is old stuff from my childhood I never had the opportunity to work out, even now I am haunted by life and my past. Prison was just prison but, what is inside of me comes at me like old drugs in the night. Things appear that are not there, but are there…in my mind. They come when something sudden happens I can't control or is in the moment of unguarded exposure." "There, now we are getting somewhere brother." "No, we are not, but I am voicing the tip of my iceberg of fear and need for isolation. If I am isolated then no one else gets hurt, my flashbacks are mine no one else's."
Geraldo said nothing but glanced at the floor, his head moving up and down in agreement to Alex's confession of vulnerability. There was something in his statements that struck a hidden core with Geraldo, something deeper than even Alex was aware of. Geraldo lifted the jug and poured a drop into his glass, put it down and said, "Alex my brother I am here for you, no matter the consequences, you understand?" Alex wasn't quite convinced but acknowledged the offering with a hand on Geraldo’s. Geraldo returned the gesture by putting his other hand on Alex's. They sat and looked at one another attempting to read into the sudden emotional release occurring between them.
Antoinette returned with another jug and poured the three of them another round. "OK boys are we getting lovie dovie here or is this a game of knuckles like we played with the cards years ago?" "Neither," Geraldo pulled his hands away, "we are beginning to reconnect, too much time has gone by between us and it seems we may not have time to scratch the surface of our loss of Alex from the fold." "I see, well, I am back, are you going to fill me in." Alex looked at Geraldo with eyes of please don't say anything. Geraldo offered, "No old lady it was just two brothers glad to see one another, pour me another as he shot the contents of the glass to the back of his throat. "I will be right back." With that he left Antoinette and Alex at the table and went into the kitchen.
Antoinette looked at Alex and touched his hand gently. He returned the gesture and spoke first. "It has been a long time old lady." "Stop that Alex you know my name and you loved saying it with affection, protection and connection. We were connected whether you wanted it or not. You were my knight in shinning armour." "I know, we were together but we weren't." They continued to just look at one another, their hands remaining overlapped on the table.
As Geraldo walked into the kitchen he began a conversation with his mother. "Mamma, what are we going to do?" "Do! We are going to be who we are, family. It seems from the look of Alex he needs help, and thank the Virgin Mary you found him."
"Aww mamma, do you have to go there now." "Why not, don't you think she had anything to do with you coming across his waisting frame when you did?" "Mamma you are getting religious on me and you know how I feel about that." "Your just like your father, he didn't believe and look where he is, only God knows where he is, we don't." "Didn't he beat you enough?" I was too small, but I tried to protect you." "Yes, you did son and I love you for it but you ended up in jail because he wasn't around I couldn't be the man you needed for guidance."
"We all have our triggers mamma, and right now I recognize the abyss Alex is in. He has some demons to fight and I want to help him, he needs his family more than ever. I don't think he recognizes it, but he feels it."
They hugged and his mother said, "Your a good son Geraldo, and turned out to be a good man, still a gangster, but a good man." "I try for the two of you." "So, when will it end son?" "It already has mamma." "When?" "Last week, I have been playing the role for those who are weak. Tomorrow they will be introduced to the new boss, and I will finally be free of that life. I have paid my debt to the boss and he has blessed my leaving with no fear of reprisal from him or others. It is his gift to me for my allegiance and honour." "Praise the virgin", she said loudly and slapped here son on the back. "Then we have more to celebrate than just Alex coming home." "No, not yet mamma, let this be for Alex tonight, for me later." "As you wish my son, my lips are sealed." "Thank you mamma."
They left the kitchen and joined Antoinette and Alex, who were still in a hand embrace talking quietly. "What was the yelp about mamma?" Both Alex and Antoinette spoke out in unison. They smiled at their combined vocal question. Alex said, like old times, a couple of parrots. Mamma put her hand over her mouth and just giggled. Geraldo on the other hand yelped in frivolity at the two of them falling into old habits when spending any time together.
"Well, now that we have a fresh jug, it is time to spill my guts." This outburst from Alex was not expected, but welcomed with interest and supportive gestures from all three of his family members.
Antoinette checked the door and gathered some candles to put on the table. Went back into the kitchen put a plate of cheese, crackers and roasted peppers together and returned to the table.
“Good, more snacks.” As Geraldo reached for a cracker and a pepper. “You are bottomless Geraldo.” He sniggered as he shoveled the food into his mouth and followed it with a shot of liquor. Antoinette slid her chair closer to Alex and slouched, with her legs spread and her arms crossed. Waiting for the story about his comings and goings for the time he was gone. Mamma, just sat erect, always a woman of posture and presence, attentive to those around her, with respect and a welcome ear.
Antoinette poured everyone another shot and slid her leg over towards Alex and wrapped it over his. Alex glanced at her and she just smiled saying, “OK storyteller your audience awaits.”
Alex didn’t let on about the leg wrap and didn’t move his away from the obvious reconnection Antoinette wanted., or him.
Alex took a deep breath, showing the impact of the alcohol but more the strain of what was about to be shared. “Very well, what I am about to say, share, unload may be a better word is not pretty or emotionally digestible by any means. I have been traumatized with fear and personal loathing of my self my entire life. There have been things I have done, no person should ever have to do to survive, yet I did them to do just that...survive.” “We all do things to survive”, Geraldo said. Alex just looked at him and shared a sheepish smile.
There had been a period of avoidance and unwillingness to participate in the game of life for Alex. A period where he acted out of expectation and social responsibility. Well, what he thought was social responsibility. It was more his selfish interpretation due to survival than community. The wind of non- compliance and boastful independence began to wear on his psyche. Probably the reason for his return to his home town. The need for confrontation as a means of resolution, a blessing of absolution of his sins. His personal sins, the demons so deep inside that he felt there wasn’t any possible chance for absolution, but wanted the chance for a face to face summation. Flashbacks be damned. Alex was tired, his life of running and acting to please those around him was coming to a head, he knew it, his past knew it, and the child within him who wanted recognition and the chance to be human and grow, knew it.
Sometimes life throws you a curve, you hate it but with a kicking and screaming attitude that doesn’t change anything it is suddenly accepted. This night was the chance for Alex to free himself of the demons, the flashbacks, the isolation and dissociation he had been enduring in his life,temporary as it may seem it was still a chance. The sweating nightmares, the conscious flinching when seeing a child being verbally abused in a market or when crossing the street. The sudden bouts of perspiration when getting on the subway, fear from being so close to a person he didn’t know, the feeling of being trapped or in a line where all he wanted was some manageable space, a chance for a breath, a simple breath, a cleansing breath. He clung to the expectation of being reassured he could free his shaking frame from the proximity of another human being; as non threatening it may have been it created a sense of flight so overwhelming it got him arrested for violent behaviour and assault.
No one was aware of his physical triggers. Even when he was in prison he was able to extricate himself from the general population long enough to breath. Always opting for landscape duty. Digging ditches suited him, even when he needed employment it was always doing something that was non confining. Except for cooking, he loved to cook and being on the line in a restaurant was fine. Close quarters be damned preparing food was freeing, no matter the restriction of space. Everybody had a job and everyone worked as a team to put out the goods. It suited his talents and his independence. He could still leave the kitchen for a smoke, take a break from the proximity and the screaming; ah, the screaming, an integral part of restaurant life. Having spent a good portion of his developing life in that environment it was comfortable, if not freeing.
Yet, there was no freedom for Alex, his remembrance of abuse and being strapped down was a conflagration of his spirit. An out of control and enveloping power of devastation he could only experience and not control due to his panic, fear and his innocence of youth. It is what drove him to explosion. An explosion unexpected and so out of character it scared him. Something that was not him, at least he didn’t think was him. He had spent so much time shoving the emotion and actions of his life into the abyss he couldn’t remember which was which, Everything began to look, sound, feel and taste the same as the metallic taste in his mouth after forced oral encounters. Do this or else. His fear was overwhelming, to do things so un natural sickened him to the point of vomit and often. When he worked for the bikers it was a lesson in blindness. He could do that, so often he could close his eyes to the darkness and perform acts so disgusting he wouldn’t remember. In the beginning a friend of his fathers was the mentor.
Mentor... Alex knew better when he turned fourteen. it became the money, show me the money, he would say, and proceed to do what was required to bring the john to climax, get paid, rinse his mouth with hydrogen peroxide. then go get a big mac. All in a days work.
These were his banshee winds....the things capable of cutting him off at the knees, but kept him alive. The street meat he hung with taught him that. They protected him and at the same time taught him the ropes. Cupcake, Susan her real name told him, If you are going to be the sweet meat on the street you best get wise to protecting your self. He didn’t get comfortable with the business until he suddenly made four figures in a week.
Susan was his sister, she kept him close and kept him clean. It wasn’t till a year and a half later she became HIV positive and died in his arms that he agreed to roll the john, got arrested and ended up with the bikers.
Life throws you lemons and the expectation is to make lemonade. Well, it doesn’t work that way. When your on the street, there is no lemonade, that would be a treat.
All of this is going through the head of Alex as he sat at the table with his adopted family, his only family. His insides churning with vinegar and wondering if he had the strength to stay and face them. He was spoiled goods, bad fish that needed salting or be thrown overboard. In his eyes he was scupper bait, waist. Fish head that is boiled for broth then thrown overboard for the bottom feeders to dine on, picking the bones clean....
An hour before sunrise the aroma of fresh bacon, bread and spices roused alex from his deep alcohol sleep. Turning over his body bumped into another, his sudden jolt upright was met with a throaty good morning bro from geraldo. “Good morning, maybe...where are we?” “Momma’s apartment. Wow, that was a long story Alex, ah, my head hurts. How about yours?” “More my jaw, did we get into it last night, even my ribs hurt?” “Maybe, I can’t remember. Oh yea, you fell down the stairs, now that was scary funny.” chuckling as he spoke. Alex just held his ribs and winched. “Just like old times, hey bro?” “Yes and no; then we were in a lock down from the riot in GP. Lucky for us we were in my cell playing knuckles.” “Lucky or not it was a scary two days. I think starving out the GP shortened it, if the population got into the kitchen it could have been a long haul. The only weapons were the shivs hidden by most of the gang members and the sneaky ones with the chinese pony tails.” “They didn’t seem to scare our little family of chiolo’s.”
Mamma walked into the bedroom with two cups of coffee asking if anyone was interested in a little hair of the dog. Both of them shook their heads, reached for the coffee and stuck their noses in the opening. Geraldo just closed his eyes and said thank you. Alex smiled as the odor of Tia Maria and whiskey tickled his nostrils. They both sat at the side of the bed, heads drooped, elbows on their knees waiting for the alcohol to level off the throbbing in their brain.
“What is your agenda for today Alex?” “I am meeting a couple of friends at a diner for lunch to discuss furniture for a clubhouse.” “You don’t say, is it close by?” “NO, it is on the outskirts of town in a wooded area.” “Ah, a country home.” Alex smiled at him and said in a manner of speaking an went on to another subject asking Geraldo what his day consisted of. The involvement in gang related activity required his attention, explaining to Alex his leaving and last bit of responsibility in turning over the reins to another lead member. Alex said nothing and showed no facial reaction to Geraldo as he recounted his past years after Alex left. They finished the coffee and both got up slowly, Alex more so than Geraldo. His body leaning forward from the pain in his ribs as he wiggled his jaw back and forth in an attempt to loosen it from its stiffening pain. Antoinette walked by the door a towel wrapped around her body and one in her hair, glanced at them both. “I hope you love birds got some rest. You weren’t satisfied with the jug you had to move on to the good stuff, what a waste.” They both asked her what good stuff and she pointer to the floor next to the bed. An empty bottle of Peron lay on its side. “That was full.” “Breakfast is ready children.” Alex with a sheepish grin just left his eyes on Antoinette, she glanced at him, smiled said, good morning scrapper and sached her way to her bedroom. Alex followed her with his eyes and as she closed the door looked him straight in the eyes once more. the door latch clicked and Geraldo slapped Alex on the back; “OK lover boy lets eat.
The old lady has held you in her heart Alex, there have been passing men but she never committed herself to be intimate with any of them. She is still in love with you Bro.” Geraldo gave Alex a nudge to move him along as he was hungry. “What is the hurry Geraldo, are we going to wait for Antoinette?” “Home one day and already attached at the hip, you are a piece of work Alex.” “NO, just being polite.” “I know what you are being, come on lets go, she will be along and you can make eyes with her at the table, but don’t let mamma catch you; she can wield that wooden ladle pretty good, you remember.” “Ouch, I remember the welt on my shoulder lasted two weeks.” “There you have your warning, come.”
They walked off into the kitchen, the table was set warm Bulillo’s in a basket were in the center of the table, a heaping plate of bacon, pear preserve, Agave honey and scrambled eggs coming from the iron skillet with onions and jalapino peppers. “Would you two like more coffee?” Alex said yes and mamma poured his cup and mentioned there was no need to look for anything to add as it was already in the pot. He smiled and thanked her, sipping quietly as he waited for everyone to sit around the table. Geraldo helped himself to a warm role, lathered it with butter, preserve and honey and shoved it into his mouth, moaning as the flavors wrapped his tongue and pallet. “Geraldo!” His mother turned with her hand on her hip waving the ladle at him. “You know better, we haven’t even said grace.” Geraldo looked at Alex put the remainder of a bun down, brushed his hands and placed them on the edge of the table tapping his fingers, as he finished the clump of bread he had shoved into his mouth.
Antoinette came into the room her scent of fruit from her shower gel wrapped itself around Alex as she said good morning to her mother and kissed her on the cheek, sat down next to Geraldo and across from Alex. Mamma sat down, put her hands together an said a short prayer. Alex added immediately after she finished, rubba dub dub, thanks for the grub. Mamma slapped his hand and Geraldo couldn’t contain himself, laughing like old times, thanked Alex for bringing them back to reality and being silly. Even Antoinette smiled but remained somber, respecting her mother’s glare at the three of them. “All of you are incorrigible..Alex are you going to stay with us?” “No mamma I have my own place not far from here, by the way where is here?” Antoinette dabbed her mouth and told Alex they weren’t far from the restaurant, adding a smile, continued her answer, they were upstairs from the restaurant. “Ah, those were the stairs.” Holding his ribs, “You took quite a tumble Alex and put the fear of God into mamma that you killed yourself on your first night back.” “Oui, you foolish boy.”
Alex helped himself to a second plate of food and they continued the conversation where they left off earlier in the morning before coming upstairs....