Distraught

Sinking
Iâve been floating on the surface for so long,
But now Iâm beginning to sink.
Iâll be trapped under water
But Iâm already locked in my brain.
 
Cars have crumple zones,
And protection from breaking.
Inside Iâm broken,
Outside Iâm just holding together.
 
Itâs like a war zone
Though some call it a bomb site.
Straining where reinforcements are,
Waiting for what will cause the explosion.
 
The pain hasnât gone,
It will never leave me,
Not yet anyway.
Itâs just waiting patiently in No Manâs Land.
 
Nobody can tell what really goes on,
They donât believe it anyway.
Why should they?
Outside Iâm holding it together.
 
I canât hold it for much longer.
Any longer and I wonât make it,
Any longer and even miracles will be impossible.

Losing Control
Looking around me
What do I see?
 
I see skinny people
All skinnier than me.
I see happy people
All happier than me.
 
I know what I want,
To be like them.
I know what to do,
To be like them.
 
That wasnât all,
I needed something to control,
Something that wouldnât run away,
Leave me stranded on my own.
 
It looks like that happened anyway,
Despite all my efforts.
I didnât have control,
Something much crueler did.

Waiting
Itâs all this waiting.
Waiting for the right time,
Waiting for the right people,
Waiting for the right words.
 
Will I know how to trust?
How do I know who I can trust?
How do I know theyâll understand?
Will it be a waste of time?
 
So many times I tried,
And so many times I failed.
One more shouldnât matter,
But it does to me.
 
I could say I was a perfectionist,
But I never get anything completely right.
I appear paranoid,
But I can guarantee Iâm actually being followed.
 
Depressed,
Yes.
A cutter,
Maybe.
Anorexic,
Wellâ¦.

A Soliloquy
It all began when I was a teen,
A small comment here and a look over there,
Nothing should have come of it,
But it did.
 
Losing weight,
Losing interest,
Losing friends,
Losing confidence.
 
I was a wreck,
Paranoid and anxious.
I was a mess,
Depressed with no self-esteem.
 
It all stopped for GCSEâs
Or so I thought
Reappearing as self-harm
And suicidal thoughts.
 
Getting worse,
Serious maybe.
No one knows,
No one can ever know.
 
That changed too,
Soul Survivor made the difference.
Supposed understanding,
That messed me even more.
 
While everything had disappeared,
The devil worked his evil work.
Fast and furious,
It returned.
 
Unaware of what was happening,
Staying up late,
Exercising,
Skipping lunch and supper.
 
Uncontrollable,
Thought I had the upper hand.
But it seems I never will,
Unless someone can intervene.
 
Nearly there,
So nearly there.
Slipping down the cliff,
Reaching for the hand.
 
The hand waiting,
The support to guide me through.
I know I need it,
So that I am true.

Invisible
I am a nobody,
A figment of your imagination.
Invisible when searched for,
Obvious when not.
 
I come and go,
Do as I please.
Thatâs what you think,
Thatâs what you believe.
 
I am a nobody,
Just a listener, a private friend.
When needed I am there,
Plans I can suspend.
 
I come and go,
Do as I please.
Thatâs what you think,
Thatâs what you believe.
 
I am a nobody,
Shifting through space.
Soon I will be permanent,
Soon I'll have a place.
 
I wonât come and go,
Or do as I please.
Your thoughts will be right
Your beliefs supported.

Half-Life
Iâm living half a life,
Half is real
The other false.
Iâm only living half a life.
 
Wishing for a new start,
Wishing for open eyes,
Wishing for renewal
Wishing for the truth.
 
Living half a life was enough,
Now I canât accept it.
Living half a life,
Half of it is wasted.
 
Waiting to be free,
Waiting to start again.
Never is the time right
Never seems Iâll be free.
 
Iâll live a full life,
Eventually.
Iâll know the truth,
And my life will be more than half.
 
Nothing (But Everything)
Everything.
Isnât that what you want?
Everything.
No one feels they have it.
 
Nothing.
It is not desired.
Nothing.
Itâs what we all seem to have.
 
To different folk,
A different meaning.
To the rich the poor have nothing,
To the poor the rich have everything.
 
Does it really matter?
We should be happy with who we are,
But we arenât.
No one is, not completely.
 
Everything.
Nothing.
Whatever we have,
We will still have God.

Lost to All
Thereâs nothing left in me
Nothing more to ruin
Leave me alone now
You canât take anymore.
 
My life has been wrecked
My brain abandoned
Leaving me stranded
In the midst of this pain.
 
Where shall I turn?
How shall I go?
There are lions out to get me
Always bearing cubs.
 
Scared and frustrated
Lonely and afraid.
Waiting and hoping
Knowing itâs in vain.
 
Canât understand
And canât see sense.
Fogged up brain
Whatever I do.
 
Summers Dream,
Saving Daisy,
Being Billy,
Weighing it up.
 
Beat,
Mind,
Pale reflections.
Everything focused on that single topic.
 
I am unreachable
Whatever you say.
Lost to the world
Feeling lost to it all.

Why?
Why did he do it?
Canât he see true love?
Is it me?
What did I do?
 
Tears wonât ease the pain,
Neither does trying to explain.
Anger at him?
But my love has not faded.
 
Waiting for the time,
The words and the people,
To change his mind;
Remove the cover from his eyes.
 
I wonât give up on him,
I value him too much.
Why canât he see this?

Changing
When you were young
Life seemed full of surprises.
You didnât know
What might happen next.
There could be joy
There could be sorrow.
You might have an adventure
Or just play with friends.
 
Then you grew up
And life got boring.
Everything was repetitive
Day in, day out.
You werenât surprised
You werenât delighted.
 
Things need to change
YOU need excitement.
Life can still be constant fun
Full of surprises.
You just have to believe
Expect something unexpected.

Running for Freedom
Running, running
Forever I am running.
Never will I stop
To let this matter drop
Which to me is personal
And could prove to be fatal.
If it ends my life,
Though through much strife,
Remember me
As someone who died free
From the failure and horror
Which filled my life with terror;
From the mentality
And lack of triviality
Which held me prisoner
For as long as I remember.
It wonât be long
Before I realise I was wrong
To pursue this matter,
Even though it does batter.
I am running fast,
Still running from the past;
From this vulnerable position
To one I wonât have to question.
Where I will be safe
And allowed to live my life
Free from fear.

I Forgetâ¦
The cold frosty morning
Bites at my nose, my ears
And my lips, they turn blue
As I walk down the path
Towards the canal, full of wrath.
 
Silence is healthy,
And good for the mind.
Easing the strain
Of all lifeâs pain.
 
Small fish that swim
Up and down
From dawn till dusk till dawn
Have nothing they want to mourn.
 
I wander along,
At my heartâs content
Till the skies tell
That I must return
To my place where the fire does burn.

The Truth Emerged
Winding paths and the chasm
Linger in my mind;
Weight of the gun and my losses
Heavy in my heart.
 
Selfless I am
To risk myself for friends,
Though it takes no thought          
Being subconsciously me.
 
Can I announce
That they are living a lie?
Destroy our world
By telling the truth.
 
Peace would end,
Kindness and happiness
Gone with a gust of wind
Which I should prevent.
 
I need knowledge to solve the problem,
To uncover traitors,
Save the innocent
And find a meaning to this mess.
 
Joined together
As one instead of five.
Conquering is definite
And all will have a place.
 
But an escape route has formed,
The truth emerged.
I know what to do
So that is where I go.

Conform and Obey
Looking round
I can see them
Everywhere;
Looking round
They see me.

Have to run
Or face death.
Have to flee
Or face their pain.

Cannot cope
And cannot dream.
Have to conform,
Have to obey.

Controlling people,
Worse than before,
But also better.
Iron curtain
Or not.
West or East,
North or South.
It makes no difference
To me because
I am trapped
No matter what.

Have to conform,
Have to obey.
Or they make you pay:
In blood
And sweat
And tears.
In truth
And admittance
And betrayal.

Hatred
Hatred can do
Everything to you.
It can ruin your life
It causes much more than strife.
You won't understand
You're living in a foreign land
Where hatred is different
And doesn't make such a dent.
This hatred can destroy
Don't use it as a toy
For it will endanger you,
Eventually it might find you too.

Wonder
Peace.                                                                                                                  War.
Hope.                                                                                                                    Depressed.
Happiness.                                                                                                            Sadness.
                                

Life is made up
Of a number
Of problems.
But what can you do?

What I Am
Unclean
That's what I am.
Dirty
And unworthy.
They hate me
And taunt me.
They can tell
Why I still dwell.
Tears stream
down my face.
I can't comprehend
What it is that I feel.
Sometimes I wonder
Whether I should really be
In such a position
As this.