Where would we be without bipolarity?

When I was 29, I abandoned my family. I up and left five little children and my loving husband of five years. No one could figureoutwhat was wrong with me. It was clear i was having a nervous breakdown of sorts, but why? It wasn't the children. While the whole childcare issue was somewhat overwhelming, that wasn't it. And as I mentioned, My husband loved me, and I him. He was supportive and patient. And while he wasn't home much, or hands on when he was, I still knew I wasn't going it alone.

So what was it that caused me to snap, if not home life? Years later, a doctor described it as a manic episode with psychotic features, and to this day, I've never heard a more apt description. Mania is, as described by the DSM IV (found in a website called psyweb.com), an unusually upbeat or 'euphoric', irritable, or expansive mood (an expansive/enthusiastic mood. The person's mood may alternate between irritability and euphoria. To qualify as true mania, several other symptoms must also be present, which may include:

"Decreased need for sleep
Excessive amounts of energy, restlessness
Grandiosity or overblown self-esteem
Talkativeness or rapid, pressured speech
Racing thoughts, or jumping from one topic to another
Pursuing multiple goals or tasks (more than usual)
Lack of focus / high degree of distractibility
Engaging in highly pleasurable (and usually high risk) activities (e.g. sleeping with multiple partners over a short period of time; spending large amounts of money on a wild shopping spree)
In mania, the symptoms are severe enough to cause significant impairment in functioning, require hospitalization, and / or include psychotic features. They must not be due to a substance or a medical condition.

"Manic episodes typically involve erratic, reckless behavior and impaired judgment. They can be very dangerous and often result in serious consequences."

Um, ya think ? Erratic, reckless behavior. Yes. Abandoning the only people I really loved,and who loved and needed me? Erratic. Dangerous . I got a job. Found a boyfriend. Moved to Mexico. Reckless. Drove too fast, spent too much. And my husband divorced me. I didn't fight him, after an initial attempt because he threatened to slander me. Of course now, knowing what I know, I'd do it all different.

At some point, someone suggested I get help through the DARS program, and they sent me to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Bipolar II, PTSD, was the diagnosis. I'd never even thought I could be bipolar. I honestly thought I was just bad.

Medication was strongly recommended and I complied until I got pregnant with my youngest. Life was a rollercoaster. I was terrible at my weekends with the children, of whom I was now the Non-custodial Parent. I married the father of my youngest, and when that baby was seven months old, his daddy died of heart failure. I was nursing, and wouldn't consider going back on meds, but that would've been a great time to do so. By the end of that year I'd shacked up with one man, left him, married one I'd known less than a month and spent the next several years trying to get rid of him.

Life was chaotic to say the least, and my mental state rapidly deteriorated, until finally my first husband took all visitation out of my hands, and I ended up suicidal in a psych ward. I'd lost my marriage, my children, my second husband, and now I was certified nuts. I decided to end it, but first I had to get out of the mental institution.

Having convinced the staff that I was over it, I was released, and I set about making plans. First, find a safe place for the two children I had left. My special needs kid, and my youngest. That done, I was ready to go, but someone sat me down and convinced me that life was worth living, I should stick around and find out why.

Well, it's taken many years, I've been suicidal without intent, dangerously manic at times. Been addicted to people, drugs, situations ,pills ;anything that would change the way I feel. And through it all, I've learned that to be patient with me, and kind to others is what works to make my life manageable and enjoyable. I'm left with one kid, after all was said and done, but things change ,and people grow, and situations rarely remain the same for long. My mood swings are far less intense now, and I'm learning to live. It can be done.