Take a sad song and make it better pt 6

Jack

“Hey guys I just wanted to let ya know the food is ready and change in plans Nat called they’re apparently going to be here in five minutes.” I hear what Anthony is saying but all I am thinking about is what I just did. What the hell did I just do? I glance over at Carter who isn’t looking at me and I don’t blame her.
“We’ll be right there man.” I say waving him away hoping he’ll just get the hint so I can apologize to her, make this right. Thankfully he does and leaves us only a minute later and I turn back to Carter who looks pretty upset and rightfully so. “Carter…look I’m…”
“No…it’s fine.” She cuts me off and I can’t even get to tell her how sorry I am because seconds later she’s walking back towards the door. “Let’s just go eat okay?” Much to my surprise she holds out a hand for me and though I’m pretty confused I still take it, glad that she isn’t too angry. As we make our way back downstairs we do so in silence but I know we both have a million things to say. The night has just begun and I have already ruined it with my stupid decision to kiss her like that. It’s just that part of me needed it, just someone to get lost in, so I can forget the war that’s going on inside my head. Carter isn’t just some girl I can use like that though, it was a mistake and I need her to know that. So once we finally get back downstairs I pull her hand, turning her so she has no choice but to face me.
“It wasn’t fine what I just did and I am sorry Carter. It won’t happen again ok? Not like that…” Why did I add that last part Jesus Christ? Am I trying to make her go running in the opposite direction? Is that what I’m doing here, trying to push her away? “I mean…I just don’t want you to get the wrong impression ok? I like being your friend. Being you’re friend is good.” She gazes up at me, those big brown eyes looking so lost but then I see the one thing I absolutely didn’t want from her, pity. She feels sorry for me damn it, and it pisses me off so badly I just completely shut down, not speaking. She senses the change in my demeanor though and squeezes my hand tighter.
“Jack. It’s really ok. I swear and hey I meant what I said alright. I know you don’t want to talk about anything but you can’t just kiss me to shut up every time. Not that I didn’t enjoy that…” She says but it was pretty obvious as her cheeks reddened that she didn’t mean to say that last part out loud. I can’t help but smile as she blushes some more, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment. “Shut up Solider.” She says shoving me and I laugh a little but then sigh, just looking at Carter for a second.
“You might be even more understanding then I am. Do you know that?” I say as I throw an arm around her shoulder, the tension in my body easing slightly as she smiles at me, that beautiful grin helping to push those bad thoughts from my mind for the time being.
“Well I just want you to know I’m here ok?” She asks with concern still thick in her voice and I just nod, bringing her closer then kissing her gently on the forehead. “And I realize I am very kissable person but that’s the last one you’re getting tonight kid, got it?” I laugh as she points her finger at me, making sure I got the point.
“Are you sure? Because I mean you did say you enjoyed it like two seconds ago…”
“Hey…Shut your face.”
~~
Carter
I didn’t want to give Jack a hard time, I really didn’t, so I let it go. I accepted his apology and we both decided to have a good damn time tonight. Apparently Anthony prepared like a five course meal which would’ve put my peanut butter things to shame so I was glad that didn’t work out. He happily accepted the wine and poured us all a glass, but I notice Jack opt out. Maybe the alcohol was only making things worse for him, but who knew? I just hoped that he was having fun even though he was clearly not okay. He was certainly putting an effort though, acting like his normal self telling jokes, talking about how much he loved each song that came on the radio like a total dork again. Soon after we started eating Nat and Mike showed up, all of us standing up to greet them.
“Well hello there, how was the hot sex you too?” Nat says almost right away and I just roll my eyes, knowing that was the worst possible thing she could say, but Jack actually stepped in saving me.
“Very good, very hot.” He responded sarcastically and everyone cracked up even Nat. She and Mike looked really nice tonight, all dressed up in their fanciest outfits. After they got comfortable and took a seat around the dinner table, Anthony asked why they had showed up so soon.
“I mean I’m glad, don’t get me wrong…” He said as he laughed, slugging back another glass of wine. Mike shook his head, undoing his tie and relaxing.
“Well this one was insistent on going to the damn opera but then bought tickets for the wrong night.” He said reaching for a beer then leaning back in his chair clearly slightly aggravated. Nat rolled her eyes but stayed sitting upright, proper like a lady, because that was just how she was, pearl necklace sitting neatly in place.
“Well I’m sorry Mike, but if you would have helped me…”
“Wait…” I interrupt her before this turns into one awkward evening with us watching them argue the whole time. “You bought tickets for the wrong night? I mean I know you’re bad with computers but I mean that’s pretty simple.” I try to stifle my laughter but I see the rest of the guys all breaking a smile. I don’t want to make her feel bad but it is pretty funny.
“So we get there and everyone’s all excited talking about the show and how amazing it’s supposed to be and Natalie is down right giddy.” Mike begins trying not to laugh but he can’t help it at this point. “Then when I hand the guy my tickets he looks up wearing just the most pathetic look because it’s obvious he doesn’t want to tell me.”
“Do ya blame the guy? You towered over him and he probably thought you’d kick his ass.” Nat joined in grinning widely reaching for her wine and rubbing her husbands arm gently.
“You do occasionally look like the guys who used to pick on you in middle school, Mikey.” Jack chimes in after reaching for some of the salsa in the middle of the table.
“I think it’s that vein in those arms man. I mean talk about a ticket to the gun show.” Anthony adds and we all crack up. I look at Jack now seeing that his smile is genuine and my worries slowly begin to fade.
“Anyway…” Mike cuts in with a feigning annoyance with a loud exasperated sigh and I laugh some more into my drink. “When he finally tells me the tickets were actually for last night I have to tell this one here and I have never seen someone go from happy to downright fuming in a matter of seconds. I swear she was going to punch someone in that place before we left. When ironically it was her fault the whole time.”
“Shut up and drink your beer Mike.” Nat says smacking his chest playfully and I just take a second, looking around the table right then because it’s weird but this all feels kind of right. For the first time since I lost Eric things don’t feel wrong. I am with my friends having a good time and I though I still wish he were there I am sort of alright with the fact that he isn’t. It might also have something to do with the fact that Jack’s hand hasn’t left mine since we sat down, each of us using the opposite hands to eat and drink while the other two remain hidden under the table. I can feel myself smile as his thumb slowly moves back and forth on the spot between my thumb and forefinger and I breathe a sigh of relief. Relief from what I am not quite sure, but I know some type of weight has certainly been lifted from my shoulders in that moment.
~~
Jack

The night went on and everyone started getting pretty drunk, which is fine, but I knew it was best if I avoided that. With the place my mind was in I would probably ruins everyone good mood and be that mean drunk guy wallowing in the corner, although Carter was determined for that not to happen. She was tipsy sure but not quite as wasted as she was the night we first met. It was fine though because she was happy, having a great time dancing and singing on the karaoke machine Anthony had brought out.
“Hey there Sergeant McCall…” Carter says as she makes her way over to the couch, mic in hand and placing her beer on the table.
“Actually I was a private.”
“What?” She asks confused and I forget that most people outside of the military don’t know the difference in rankings.
“Not important.” She plops down beside me smiling widely and grabbing my hand, holding it tightly.
“I like this.” She says, ok maybe she is a little drunker then I thought.
“You like what?” I ask curious to see where she’s going with this as our fingers slowly intertwine. Moments later she holds our hands in the air and continues.
“This.” I know exactly what she’s talking about now, but am slightly confused. I guess everything with her is baby steps, which makes sense. I mean it’s pretty clear there are feelings here, for both of us obviously, but neither of us have a damn clue what to do with them. “I just think we are both stuck in our head too much.”
“You’re not wrong about that.” It was true, but there still need to be caution involved here. I was not a stable person for her to depend on right now, but I didn’t know how to tell her that. “We’re friends right?” She leans into me, resting her head on my shoulder, nodding.
“Yep, definitely friends….friends who occasionally have sleepovers and hold hands for an entire twenty minute dinner.” She smiles crookedly, looking up at me and I just laugh.
“Apparently so Carter.”
“Good I like that.” She leans back against my shoulder and we just kind of sit there for a little bit watching everyone else drinking and dancing and the karaoke picks up some more. Soon Mike is stumbling over grabbing the mic from the table beside us, and he hits the stage. His choice is one I know well and immediately I start cracking up as the song begins.
“Yo, VIP, Let's kick it!” He starts and then point right at me. “Mccall get your ass up here!” Mike shouts and I don’t even have to think twice. I hop up and join my friend doing my best running man as we start to break it down Vanilla Ice style. “All right stop, Collaborate and listen.” We both rap, white as hell, Anthony making fun of our dancing but we don’t care. “Ice is back with my brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly. Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will it ever stop? Yo – I don't know Turn off the lights and I'll glow. To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal. Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.” It’s just like the seventh grade talent show all over again, only this time the girls in the room actually seem to like us.
“Oh my god.” I hear Carter crack up as she goes to sit with Natalie who is shaking her head, she’s seen this before, several times actually.
“That is the man I married yes, I am aware I chose him.” She responds but Mike and I ignore the critics and keep going. Surprisingly we both remember the words and lame ass dance we did and by the end of the song we can’t help but feel pretty awesome about that. My rap skills are still pretty tight but I don’t say that out loud because the last time I did, Anthony smacked me upside the head. Apparently I’m not cool enough to use the word tight. Once it comes to an end, everyone applauds and we both take a bow then proceed to do the stupid handshake we made up when we were ten.
“You guys are suck dorks.” Anthony says shaking his head from his chair.
“Don’t listen to him Mikey, he’s always been jealous of these sweet, sweet dance moves.” I say pulling out a pop and lock, which ok isn’t very good, but I felt pretty confident about that in the moment. Anthony immediately face palms hard, laughing, clearly embarrassed for me. He stands up though and just turns on some music.
“I think after that we all need a break from the karaoke.” He says as he heads into the kitchen asking if anyone else needs another drink. The ladies both follow both hungry again and wanting to help him out. Mike and I take a seat on the couch beside one and other.
“So what’s up man? I feel like you and I haven’t really had a chance to talk since ya got back. How’re ya doing buddy?” He asks then takes another sip of his beer and I know this is my opportunity to talk. Mike has always been good at this kind of stuff, giving me good advice but the thing is that was usually about what girl I should take to the prom. We’ve grown up, changed, and things are simply different now. I could try to tell him what’s really going on with me, with the dreams, the crap with my family, but I don’t know the moment just doesn’t feel right, so instead I talk about Carter. She seems to be a good out for me, and I do like to talk about her.
“I’m doing good I guess. I mean I think I might have made an ass of myself…”
“What else is new?” He cuts in and I throw the pillow I’m holding at his head.
“Oh you’re hilarious.”
“This is true, but what’s up? What did you do now?” He knows me all too well because it’s not the first time I’ve gone to him when I screwed up. Like the time I stole my dad’s car and accidentally crashed it into a fire hydrant. He took to fall, because for some reason my dad couldn’t get mad at the guy. Yet me his own son he had no problem smacking upside the head for something as trivial as blocking the tv when the game was on. I sigh, leaning back in my seat. “Does this have to do with her?” Mike asks motioning towards the kitchen where Carter stood, laughing hysterically at her own joke probably. I noticed she did that a lot, but it was actually kind of adorable.
“Yea, I kind of kissed her on the roof before you guys came over…”
“Even though you know she just wants to be friends?” I nod and sort of wish I had just had a couple of beers then this whole talking thing might be a lot easier. “Well how did she react? I mean she doesn’t seem pissed.”
“We got to talk about it for a minute but I mean I don’t know man…”
“You like her?” He asks me even though he already knows the answer so I just sit there for a minute, watching her laugh her ass off, glad I didn’t ruin this whole night for her. “Just be patient buddy. She likes you too, it’s just complicated.”
“What was Eric like?” I find myself asking, just blurting it out, curiosity finally getting the better of me. It’s something I’ve been wondering since I had started seeing Carter. I didn’t want to ask her though, it’s just like me and my nightmares, if the information isn’t volunteered we steer clear of the subject. Mike’s eyebrows raise in surprise at my question as he searches for an answer.
“Well, I mean he was a really good guy. Funny, smart, better then me at most sports which actually annoyed the hell out of me…” It takes me a second but It’s only then that I realize that it wasn’t just Carter who lost someone. Eric was Mike’s friend, a close one apparently, only I didn’t even know since I was overseas. “But the one thing I knew for sure was how much she loves him. I mean the three of them grew up together so it hit all of us pretty hard, but I wasn’t surprised he did what he did. One thing the two of you would have had in common? Definitely bravery.” That last word stuck in my head. Bravery. But I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that it was all a lie, in my case at least. I wasn’t brave, I was a coward, but no one not even Mike knew that. “Like I said though just give her some time, be her friend. She could certainly use one. I love my wife but she can be a little overbearing sometimes. Carter needs other people in her life and I certainly think you’re a good choice.” He holds his beer bottle up and clinks it with my water and we both laugh. I was glad we got to talk though, I needed that.

~~
Carter
Yep I drank too much, I tell myself as I down the glass of wine Anthony offers me. Oh well, tonight is fun, so much god damn fun. A little while after eleven more people start piling into the small apartment and at a certain point I nearly lose sight of Jack, but then I finally spot him in the corner still talking to Mike. When I find a spot by a table I take a moment to sort of gather yourself. The room is slightly spinning now as some stranger comes to sit beside me.
“Hello beautiful.” The man says but I can’t really focus on that right now. Being hit on by a creep is certainly not a priority of mine, so I ignore him and stand up, stumbling slightly then make my way to the place where the music was coming from. Immediately without another thought I choose a song and watch as Jack’s face lights up by my choice.
“Hey Jude…don’t make it bad…take a sad song and make it better.” Paul McCartney sings, blaring from the speakers, the song filling the room. I spot Jack stand up and point at me, smiling sweetly, then motioning for me to come to him. I do as he says and when we finally reach each other he grabs my hand leading me directly into the middle of the room.
“Good choice.” He says as he wraps both arms around my waist tightly, pulling me closer as we begin to sway back and forth to the music. The room stops moving as he holds me and I rest my head against his chest, listening to the song and what The Beatles are really trying to tell us. All I can do is think about what Jack said that night, about taking a sad song and making it better. Maybe that’s exactly why I met him, for him to help me do that, because this sad song is getting a little old. I won’t make any decisions tonight though, not while I’ve had this much to drink. Instead I’ll just enjoy myself because this week has been the best one I’ve had in a very long time. For the first time in forever I actually think I might be sort of happy. “You having fun tonight?”
I look up at Jack, not really able to contain my smile because I am, despite that lingering confusion between the two of us. I don’t care right now I won’t over think this.
“Yes, I really am. Thank you for inviting me Jack.”
“No problem. Besides it’s Anthony you should be thanking. This was all his idea.” He says motioning towards the people, the party and that damn piñata that lay on the floor now completely busted open.
“I kicked that things ass.”
“Yes you certainly did.” He laughs and sadly soon the song is coming to an end and a fast one begins. Mike comes up from behind tapping Jack on the shoulder cracking up as another one of their favorites come on, this time Bon Jovi of course.
“Go sing with him…I need to sit down.” I say smiling, kind of wanting to kiss him again, but I know that’d be even more confusing then before so I stop myself.
“You okay?” Jack asks, not releasing me and looking a little concerned.
“Yeah I’m fine…too much wine. I just need to relax for a minute go have fun.” I am okay, but I do just need a second. Let Jack have some fun too because he deserves it. With a quick peck on the cheek we say goodbye and I watch those two idiots start to belt out “Livin on a prayer”. I find a spot and see Anthony is there so I decided to chat with him for a little bit while I get my dizziness under control.
“Hey there pretty lady how you doin?” He says patting the seat beside him for me to have. I plop down beside him and take in one deep breath before speaking, things sort of coming into focus once more.
"Anthony sir I must tip my hat to you because this is one amazing party." I say raising my glass in the air and he laughs doing the same thing.
"Well thank you Carter I'm glad you're enjoying yourself." He says but I notice something is off, his smile is gone now. This entire night he's been all over the place, dancing and laughing and I just knew from what Jack had told me that this was what he was always like. Always up, not much getting him down, so what's changed? I wonder if I should ask him though because given the way Jack reacted to this question I don't know if it's really the best idea. The only problem is the alcohol is causing me to completely ignore that warning.
"Anthony are you alright?" I say moving in a little closer because some guy decided he just absolutely had to sit down next to me. Anthony laughs but it's a sad laugh, like zero joy in it.
"Carter do you want to know why I wanted to have you here tonight?" He asks turning to face me.
"Sure."
"Well I wanted to see how Jack acted around you...if you made him happy because after everything that guy has been through he deserves to be happy." The tone in his voice has shifted; it's serious now as we both look across the room to Jack. He's dancing, doing the damn running man again like the adorable idiot that he is and I can't help but smile.
"I agree." It's all I can say as he continues, and I realize he’s nearly as drunk as I am at this point, but it’s a different kind of drunk. It’s almost a little depressing.
“Carter I’m leaving, at the end of the summer.” He says and I can feel my stomach drop at his words.
“What do you mean?” I ask though afraid to hear his answer.
“They’re sending me back…Jack…he asked me earlier. It was like he knew something was up but I lied. I knew the guy’s been having a rough time so I just wanted him to just loosen up and have some fun tonight ya know? I don’t know how I am gonna tell him I am going back to Iraq.” This was when I knew that despite my obvious feelings for Jack that I was not fully aware of what I had gotten myself into just by being his friend. This was a lot to take in, a lot of baggage he came with, but who the hell am I to judge right? These are good people who happen to be soldiers and I like having them in my life, but knowing this, knowing Jack is going to lose one of his closest friends breaks my damn heart. “I know I shouldn’t have just said that but the thing is Carter. I do feel better knowing that I’m leaving him with someone like you. He’ll be alright with you I think…” I can feel the lump growing in my throat because honestly I just want to cry. He barely knew me yet he trusted me with his best friend? It was sort of a huge deal.
I can’t help myself I lean forward pulling Anthony into a hug, squeezing him tightly, trying to control my tears.
“I’m sorry…” I say, my voice quiet so he can’t hear that I’m now crying. “I just don’t know if you’re placing your trust in the right person.” The doubt in my voice is clear because that’s all I can feel. What makes me good enough to look after someone when I can barely handle looking after myself? Anthony pulls back and shakes his head at my response, carefully wiping away the tears on my face with the back of his thumb.
“Ya know what I think I am.” He responds wrapping an arm around my shoulder as we both lean back into the couch. I sigh, trying to get ahold of myself because I see that Jack is headed in our direction and I’m afraid he’ll know something is up.
“I won’t tell him.” I whisper to Anthony and I see him smile out of the corner of my eye.
“Thank you.” He says back squeezing me tighter and as Jack gets closer I worry I’ve just made a promise that I can’t keep. He just looks so damn happy and it’s like there is this ticking time bomb that is about to be dropped on him sometime soon and there’s nothing that I can do to prevent that. I don’t want him to get hurt, I want Anthony to be safe. It’s just an all around sucky situation and knowing that I can’t do anything to stop it makes me want to scream.
~~
Jack
“Well what do we have hear?” I say as I take a seat down beside my best friend and Carter.
“Oh no big deal I’m just stealing your girl.” Anthony answers with a big smile and she nods in agreement.
“Yep it’s true. He just asked me to marry him…I couldn’t resist…we were thinking a destination wedding right?” She says with a straight face as she leans in closer to him, though I can see the small smile creeping onto her lips.
“Hell yes…Hawaii for sure and then the honeymoon in I was thinking Paris sweetie how does that sound?”
“That sounds amazing honey bear.” She tries to hold it in but she’s cracking up and so is Anthony and I just shake my head. They clearly get along great and I can’t help but be really happy about that. It’s always good when your friends like, well whatever Carter is to me at this point. “So how are you doing Jack?” She asks sliding away from Anthony and closer to me. I was having a great fucking time dancing and joking around with Mike but it was nice to be back by this beautiful albeit slightly drunk girl.
“I am having a good time…”
“See I told ya you would buddy…this guy over here thought tonight was gonna suck.” Anthony says cutting me off, drunker then I have seen him in quite some time.
“What?!” Carter responds shocked and slightly appalled. “Jack how dare you doubt your friends ability to throw an awesome dinner and party…this was a god damn successful fiesta my brother.” She turns around high fiving Anthony and I just laugh.
“You guys are idiots.” They’re cracking up again as I just sit there and watch. Carter is still leaning into me but the two of them continue to chat about dumb stuff drunk people like to talk about and I kind of find myself wishing I had had that drink hours ago. Sure I’ve been having a hell of lot of fun but sitting here right now, watching all these strangers moving around, talking, being incredibly loud and pushy I feel kind of trapped in. The people seem to be moving at a slower pace the longer I watch them and I notice every minute detail as one guy dips his chip into the salsa the small pieces breaking off and hitting the outside of the plate. Then there is another person on the other side of the room shouting obscenities into her phone clearly furious with the person on the other end of then line and then I hear a loud band and something shatter. The sound alone makes me practically jump out of my skin, startling Carter and Anthony as I lunge from my seat and hit the ground for cover.
“Jack…” I can hear Carter say my name but my mind doesn’t register it. I can feel my heart racing, I’m expecting someone to attack at any second but nothing happens. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder to which I immediately respond by grabbing the persons wrist and shoving them against the floor making sure they’re disarmed. I am not in a apartment anymore, this is not a party, this is war and I have to take my enemy down. “Jack!” My eyes blur and ears ring as I squeeze the mans throat tighter, screaming in the distance. “Jack stop!” Her voice is shrill and loud and it snaps me out of my mind completely and it’s only then that I realize what exactly is happening. I look down at the man beneath me and see a familiar face, Mike, staring back at me eyes wide with fear. I release my grip immediately and he pulls back coughing in pain. “Jack…” It’s Carter I can hear her now, she’s crying.
I look up and see the rest of the room staring at me, terrified and in shock, no one understanding what the hell is going on. Jesus I don’t even think I can explain it. I struggle to my feet and though I want to stay and make sure my friend is alright I’m freaking out. How did this happen? Why did I lose control that way?
“Oh my God Mike are you alright?” Natalie is running over now checking on her husband but I just stand there, staring down at my hands zoning out in fear again.
“Alright people party’s over.” Anthony shouts and I can hear the annoyance in everyone’s voice but I am still stuck in the same position. My breathing is heavy and I am drenched in sweat.
“Jack.” I feel another hand on me and I flinch slightly at the touch but don’t react the same way. “Hey Jack…” The person steps in front of me and I see her face, Carter, completely serious and trying to calm me down. “You’re okay Jack.” Like she had that night I’d woken up like this in her bed she reached a hand out and held my face towards hers whispering gently that I was going to be alright, but this time I wasn’t so sure.
“Get him out of here Carter. The people aren’t gonna help.” I hear Anthony say but all I can focus on is her. She’s keeping me steady and slowly her hand moves from my face into my hand then we are moving in the direction of my bedroom leaving the large crowd and my confused friends behind. The hallway is dark and I can feel myself slowly coming back to normal as we keep moving at a steady pace. I’m coming down from it all and it’s only then that I realize what I have actually done, who I hurt and scared.
“Oh Jesus Christ…” I start to say and it’s all I can say as Carter opens my door. I pull my hand away and start pacing back and forth in the dark room completely losing my cool. “I cannot believe I just did that…oh my god, oh my god…” I keep mumbling things like this working myself up all over again, hyperaware of what I’ve done and ashamed, so fucking ashamed.
“Hey…Jack…hey...stop…” She catches up to me making me stop dead in my tracks, but I can’t look at her. I feel horrible, she was having such a good time and I ruined it.
“I’m so sorry Carter, I didn’t mean for that to happen…I don’t know what I was doing…” I have to apologize I’ve messed up so bad and I don’t know what else to do, to say to make it better. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright Jack. Just calm down ok? You’re gonna have another panic attack.” She reaches up again grabbing the back of my neck and she tells me to breath. “Just count backwards from ten alright. Count with me Jack. Ok?” I nod and try to breath, feeling the lump growing in my throat and the tears burning my eyes. My dad would be ashamed at the display of weakness. “Ten…” She begins and I nod again following her lead until we finally reach one. “Alright how do you feel now?” I close my eyes tightly trying to shake away the pain but its not that easy, only when I open my eyes and see her face so focused on mine do I completely snap out of it.
“I’m so sorry..” I say then just completely crumble, falling apart, the tears no longer able to be controlled and Carter just pulls me closer wrapping both arms around me tightly. I hug her back even harder, not wanting to let go because honestly I am terrified of what would happen if I did.
“It’s gonna be alright.” This is all I hear her say, but I don’t know if I believer her. It was what I had said that night we were first set up when she broke down and I thought I was telling her the truth, but the idea that I’m going to be okay, to make it out of this alright, just feels like complete and total bull shit.
~~~
Carter
“How is he?” Mike asks as soon as I come walking down the hallway and I have to take a breath. I was putting on a brave face for Jack, but I was genuinely freaked out at this point.
“He’s ok, trying to get some sleep.” I respond, my voice a little shaky but I keep up the façade because I know Natalie is even more afraid then I am. She rushes towards me hugging me tightly, tears staining her face. I feel her embrace but I feel numb, I don’t react.
“Oh my God Carter I am so sorry…” She says breathlessly then turning to her husband angrily shouts. “What the hell were you thinking Mike?” Great, here we go. She starts going on and on about something but I block it out and take a seat on the couch beside Anthony who just looks lost in thought. He doesn’t say anything and neither do I, both of us sort of stuck in a state of shock.
“What was I thinking?” Mike asks back, confused as hell.
“Yes why would you let Carter anywhere near this guy? Look I know he’s your oldest friend but she’s been through enough damn it! She doesn’t need to be around all of this negative energy and drama…”
“You’re joking right Nat? Jack is a good guy, he’s just…”
“Going through a rough patch? Jesus Christ you need to stop making excuses for him and tell him to get some help before he ends up killing you next time. Carter doesn’t deserve this she deserves better.” Something snaps in me when I hear her saying such mean things about Jack. I can’t keep listening to this.
“Stop.” I say, but my voice isn’t strong enough and she jus keeps going.
“He’s a mess and she needs someone stable, someone who’s going to be able to be there for her and not fall apart at the sound of a glass shattering.” Her voice is so grating and with each word I feel my temper rising.
“Stop it Natalie.” I say again slightly louder but she still doesn’t shut the hell up. Mike is trying to stand up for his friend but sometimes when she gets going she’s hard to stop, especially when it comes to protecting me. She is a fiercely loyal friend but she’s not right, not about Jack.
“Jack is the absolute last guy who she should be around right now and I just can’t believe you even suggested it. He isn’t safe, he’s not good enough…”
“Natalie I love you but you need to shut the hell up!” This time my voice is loud enough that she hears me and immediately stops talking, caught off guard by my reaction.
“Carter, I…”
“No, I get it. You’re freaked out and rightfully so, but just stop. Ok?” I stand up, my fists clenched as I try to get my emotions in check. I want to cry some more but I can’t no I have to be brave right now, for Jack, someone has to be. “He’s a good person, he just needs help, just like I did. Now I think you two should go home and get some sleep because you’ve both had a lot to drink and I just this everyone’s a little on edge right.”
“Fine but you’re coming with us.” She responds and I shake my head immediately.
“No. I’m staying.” I say and Anthony looks up, surprised but with a smile as I recall our conversation from earlier. “I’m not leaving him.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me Carter, it’s not safe.” Natalie is pleading with me. I can hear the fear in her voice but I shake my head, then walk in her direction gently hugging her for a moment.
“I’ll be fine. I promise, just go home ok.” I whisper into her ear, squeezing her tighter for reassurance but I can feel her hesitancy to let me go. “I’ll be ok.”
“I love you.” She says back, her angry pretense fading away now revealing how upset and vulnerable she truly is and I just laugh to myself. She always tries to be so damn tough but turns out she’s just as soft as the rest of us.
“I love you too.” I say back and seconds later we part and say our goodbyes.
“Do you mind if I stop by in the morning before work tomorrow? I just wanna check up on him.” Mike asks as Anthony and I walk them to the door. My heart absolutely breaks when I see the facial expression he’s wearing. He’s so confused and sad and just wants to help his friend, I can’t help myself I hug him too.
“Yeah, man that’s cool.” I hear Anthony say as I hold onto Mike a little longer.
“Alright thanks.” He says then we part. “Tell him I’m not mad ok?” He asks me and I nod right away.
“Of course.” I respond with a small smile and moments later they’re gone leaving Anthony and I alone in the messy apartment not having a clue what to do or say. “Do you want to clean up?” I ask after a minute or so, thinking maybe a clean apartment could erase away what had happened.
“Nah…I’ll worry about that in the morning.” He answers quietly, that usual happiness in his voice just gone as he leans against the door. “We should just get some sleep. I think that’s for the best, you can take my bed and I’ll crash out here…”
“No. I’m going to sleep with him.” I say interrupting him, the determination clear in my voice.
“Carter I don’t think that’s a good idea. I mean if he has another nightmare.”
“I’ll be fine. He won’t hurt me.” I state confidently but Anthony looks concerned and I sense he’s going to object again. “Look it doesn’t really matter what you say I’m not going to change my mind.” Anthony shakes his head then turns to lock the door, hitting a few light switches as he walks past me.
“If you need anything…anything at all I will be in the room right next door ok?” I can hear the protective tone in his voice and am sort of touched that he cares this much. That damn lump in my throat returns as he gives me a quick hug but I push the tears away. I have to hold it together. Moments later Anthony is gone and I’m left completely alone, only now do I take a second to realize what is actually happening. I want to cry, just run home to my bedroom shut the door behind me and hide from the world but I can’t. I just keep seeing Jack’s face as he came out of that trance and the idea of leaving him alone and that lost makes me sick. I take a few deep breaths and count backwards like I told him to do, like I’d done so many times before when I’d felt this anxious. It sort of works, well it does good enough, and I just try to shake it off then begin to make my way to his room.
I travel down the dark hallway, moving quietly so I don’t make too much noise and set him off again. When I reach his door I turn the knob carefully and slide in, closing it behind me. Jack is lying on the bed, his back facing me and I wonder if he’s actually asleep. I stand there a second and just watch him, hoping he’s feeling better, wanting to help somehow but I just don’t know what to do. There aren’t any words to make this okay for him, so I gently remove my shoes and make my way over to the bed. I slide in next to him laying above the covers and turn on my side. I move closer, pressing my face against his back then after taking a second to think about what exactly I was doing I wrap my arm around his waist just trying to focus on the sound of his breathing.
“You shouldn’t do that.” He says softly and I feel that lump again, but I don’t cry. “You should leave.”
“I’m staying.” I say holding onto him tighter and I feel him sigh underneath me. I close my eyes and pray that he doesn’t try to throw me out. After a few moments of silence he speaks once more, his words barely above a whisper.
“Why?” He asks and I try to think of an answer but I don’t really I have a good one at this point. So when I respond I respond honestly, the first thing that comes to mind and feels right.
“Because I want to.” I expect him to get up, tell me to leave because that answer is ridiculous and provides no real reason, but he doesn’t. He keeps quiet for a little bit longer, so long in fact I swore he’s fallen asleep, but then I feel it, his hand grabbing my arm pulling it tighter around him so there’s zero space between us now.
“Thank you Carter.” He says and I sigh, smiling slightly into his back getting comfortable knowing I’ve made the right choice despite everyone’s objections.
“You’re welcome Jack.”