Modern mom

"MOOMMMM!" "MUMMY!!!!" "MAMA!!!"



My brightest blessings that I am grateful for every day are screaming from where I have placed them, baby gate up, with threats to remove small comforts, ensuring the baby gate - and the children within - remain securely placed. Silently, the man I said vows to short years before begins loading the dishwasher, the tension between us palpable, the kind you could cut with a knife.



The crying does not stop. Screams, shouts, and calls reach me and eat at me. I am not deaf to them, but feel powerless to stop this behaviour which is out of control. I feel the weight of centuries of mothers looking over my shoulder, judging, and finding me failing. My children should not be acting like this. Every generation, every culture including my own, knows how to fix it - how to make my problems disappear - and each solution is remarkably different than the last. Choosing a method is like playing a game of Russian roulette, and I am not a fan of gambling. So, I use what worked with me, trying to stay away from what is now considered "dangerous", "unsupportive" and "aggressive" and trying to move to "nurturing" "positive" "attentive"...and loving, which is what my heart wants most of all. I recognize I "can't give in to tantrums". I remember crying myself to sleep as a child. Didn't really hurt, but then  did it help? There is no point living in the past, but sometimes I wish I had the definitive answer.



I am a mother living in the "modern age" of "convenience", where I struggle to find the time to cook alternatives to spam and KD. To ensure my kids have three meals, two snacks, grains, protein in the form of milk and meat products, adequate iron, enough vitamin D, and a full rainbow of vegetables and fruits each day. I oversee my ambivalent partner's attempts to meet these standards in their lunch kits each day, before I turn my back on them and walk out the door, leaving their care to some stranger who appear to have greater qualifications than the husband I married, in raising my children. I walk out the door because I am absolutely committed to raising my children, but my heart yearns to raise them face to face, instead of the vicarious trap I now find myself in.



I am a "modern mom" working full time to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. Ten years later, I am still paying off my student loan. My bank owns my two bedroom home and half of our van, the only vehicle we own. We live modestly, and paycheque to paycheque. I pay my taxes, my phone, my internet, my hydro, my bank, my bills. And the full cost of the fees to have someone else raise my children from 9 to 5.



I leave my children and walk into town to my work.My government has, for decades, implemented "cost cutting measures" across the board to achieve a balanced budget, at my expense. My workload is twice what it should be, and every day when I leave my office with my work unfinished, I recognize that it is my licence on the line for all the things left undone. I feel the weight of the responsibility of my shoulders as I head to the daycare to pick up my children. I listen to the day care teacher as she tells me what was forgotten when my husband dropped them off earlier that day. I wrestle them into the van then wrestle them into the house so I can make supper. I so badly want to stand outside with my toddler so he can "go bike!!!" , but I have not got the wherewithal to figure out how I can do that, decompress from work, and make supper. I let my eldest turn the TV on to have a game, and before I know it, supper has been eaten, and the bedtime routine begins. And here we are, with the screams. And the guilt, and the despair.



Each time I read an article about the state of parenting these days, I get angry. It takes a village, but the village has turned aside and we live on our own island. Despite the support around me, I am a mother who is incredibly alone, who makes a decent wage but that is taxed, insured, benefitted, EI'd, pensioned, mortgaged (still cheaper than rent) and billed to death.  Who can't afford a babysitter in the evening and who wouldn't want to because these are the only few hours I get with my kids, but the expense is that most days, I am too exhausted to make the most of it. I am a mom who zones out on the computer because I can't sleep - the kids are not asleep - and keeps hoping that the answer to my problems can be found on Google.



I am a mum who is finally recognizing that I don't own all the blame for this. Our society is what we have made it, and I am a part of it. I feel alone in this, but I am not. I see a note on Facebook, read a blog, and hear the despair just touching other mums trying to do, and be, everything for everyone.



I feel alone, but I am not alone. So I am sharing my story, my struggles, in the eternal hope for a brighter future.