Stefan and Pauli

Pauli stood at her bedroom window, looking down the hillside at the pouring rain. It was the first big thunderstorm of the spring. The wet leaves and branches of the trees were excitedly moving about in the fresh cool air. She welcomed the drips on her face, while she smiled.
"Stefan would love this", she thought as she wondered if she should call him to wake him up to this precious onslaught. Sleep and rain, two of Stefan's favorite things; 'Naaahh, let him sleep. His mind and body needs it." After all, he'd put in another over-time day the day before. Showering in hot water, she washed and conditioned her long, wavy hair, and put it in pony-tail, sprayed herself with body spray and put on a colorful sports outfit.


She strode to the kitchen, poured some coffee, and sat down at her type-writer to get back to her pen pal in England. Her and Mary's correspondence was always the best, even motivating letters back and forth. As it rolled into four months of writing, they came closer and gained trust. She told all about her isolated life that was sheltered nicely by Stefan's protection of her and her own common sense. She didn't consider herself 'spiritual' or 'religious' at all, despite her upbringing. She explored everything and anything she could actively put her hands on, and asked "is this working for me, or is it not?" If not, she switched to a different thing. Stefan's insistence that she finish something weighed heavily upon her. He arrived and made his silly gesture of the beanstalk man, as they walked to her house.


The beanstalk man was there, finally. Hours later, they'd have their shirts and pants off, huffing and puffing about each other. And all that they did that day would matter less, if Pauli could not take not seeing him for the next 12 hours. For she'd be up all night working tirelessly on her own writing and projects. He inhabited a peace inside him that Pauli could only 'dream' about. Her insides were up and down and chaotic all the time. Her head told her one way, her will another. Ohhh, the oxycontin days when my arm was hurting. Which was quite a different experience than what she put up with before and now. Yeah, she could see drugs being effective for sure. A Xanax? No. She'd be too tired to write. Deal with her insides warping and tossing and fluttering about?? Which one was more palpable? She got up to take her Xanax.


She sat down slowly thinking that her PTSD had to trickle on down to him too, and she felt bad about that. "No. I will not give it too much time. These worries, these suspicions have got to go away." She chugged her pill with a shot of tequila. No mixing pills with alcohol, bullshit if he does not prescribe me ativan, for all the pills in the world would not change her. She wished she could hurt her arm again to get oxycontin, to feel real pain. Physical for a change. When she pinched her arm, the chaos was still hovering devilishly in her heart, soul, and mind. Getting up, she forced her way to the book-shelf. Positive thinking, all kinds of stories. Well, that is what Stefan and Mary were for anyway. She enmeshed herself into his life, until it started to go over her head. Enviable health all around her even on social networks, yet she had the determination to deal with it. What choice did she have?


Stefan, on the other hand, was infected at times, she'd hope he could bounce back to his solitary peaceful self once she'd connected with him for a while, heard the exchange of voices, and connected some lost dots in her head, stabilizing herself. Then came hermit time for both. Seemed to work out well for them, to connect that way. Oh gosh, was there humor in the world or on TV without him? Of course, happiness came from the inside. Well, her writing made her feel that way, she thought, waiting for the pill to sink in and do it's work, which in fact, the shot of tequila worked far better. She felt some sense and calmness gathering, tempted to take another one.


She'd do this night and day herself, albeit by 4:00 p.m., she'd be exhausted and afraid to go to sleep once again. Sleep, hunger, eating, even going to the bathroom, were all normal everyday functions that she had problems with. Yet, it all came together when people surrounded her for her well-being, sound selfish? She had to be. To survive. Stefan called as she was doing a project of current news for her volunteer write-up for the community newsletter. It was the pride and joy of her life.


"Pauli want a cracker?" "Pauli want a cracker?" His child-like humor relieved her of the seriousness of her life.
"No but I saw a three-legged pig who would want one."
"That sounds a bit frightening."
"Sure it does, he's a hero for handicapped children."
"Of course he is."


The banter went back and forth, while they figured out their day.


"I'm going to be working on sound effects and meeting Dan at Dick's Diner sometime today. Might hook up with my folks to get a fish sandwich at the fire-hall. Wanna go?"


"Love to, but no sleep last night. Have fun. I am trying to figure out why I hardly know a darn thing about this world. I've been keeping myself captive. Have to do some research today for my next column."


"Cool. Let me know what you come up with."

"Bye bye Pauli."


As five minutes past, she knew that Stefan was getting indwelled by his life, goals, and plans. She admired his tenacity and prideful confident self about the concept of responsibility. A silent angel for sure, that didn't need any credit, but selflessly helped and kept best interests of all people in mind, especially Pauli's and his tight-knit family. How could she be envious when there was more than enough love to go around, when he was faithful and just and fair to her? No, in her best moments, like this one perhaps, the tequila spoke well of him. Ha. She let out a laugh. Yeah, certainly AA for me in future, but perhaps for the better of my well-being!! Katie would be coming soon to help her with her chores. She wanted a maid for a long time, but more-so a girl-friend, who she could share stories and life with. She had two hours of research in local papers and news to reach her deadline of the community newsletter. She stalled playing Forza, and then hopped right on it, the easy way, clicking through the Roku news. Any stories, she could combine? The search started.
her notes-"Volunteers for cerebral palsy kids? Stop and chat with them friendily. You're fortunate to be able to walk, see, hear, feel, smell, open your eyes, and discover your world, as little or mundane or 'normal' as it might seem, your love for your neighbor will be appreciated in one facet or another." After some more research online, she gathered some words for an educational column and found out herself, once again, for the hundredth time, she wasn't alone in her challenges. At all. Yet, she still had to get another shot of tequila, and run to her car for more smokes. Fuck it, going to smoke the electronic.


Far into the next writing project, she felt obsessive about knowing EVERYTHING. But the Higher Power only had the option of doing that, it so discouraged her as she worried about her health. She settled for knowing a little about a lot of things. Why she sampled stuff. In newspapers, magazines, TV, books, anything she could get her hands on. Stefan was her companion, he had just texted he was taking a nap, which delighted her. Naps are good. It was time for another shot and this one did calm her nerves. Perhaps that was all it was, that a shot could do the trick for? Hopefully.


Not wanting to be interrupted in her sampling affairs, she cancelled Katie. What harm could be done so much if she could call warmlines? Not much. Lately, she has been starting to realize and had for a long time that she somewhere along the line, learned, learned-helplessness.
She hated it!!! She was getting up right then to DO SOMETHING herself. She cleaned out a basket, texted Stefan good-night, and laid in bed while she fell asleep. All to start another day tomorrow, where she decided to take a shot as soon as the anxiety arose. Albeit, a peace she hadn't felt in her chest for a long, long time. Go, Stefan, go. Be happy, she sent her thoughts to him, for she loved him and cared deeply for him. She wished a good time with his parents, and DOWN-TIME for him, to find himself. The next time, she'd get into something and not be the storm that had just passed so brilliantly. She had no call on mother nature. She'd get a hold of herself before she created one of her own. Sister nature. The key is treating others well, and not being concerned so much the other way around. God be with me. Praying is for me, and after so long, she tried praying again. And it worked. Thank you Stefan for teaching me Christianity.~~~~~~~~A short-story by Amy A.