Our Wedding Day

...Eight years today...that's how long we would have been married, if she were still alive. Today would have another year to celebrate the day I became a husband to the most beautiful girl in my world. Our wedding anniversary... I wasn't lucky enough to get eight years. We weren't...we didn't even make to the five year mark. Just came up short.

March 5th. I still remember... Jessie and I held the ceremony outdoors. Well, when I say "we" held the event, it was really mostly her who did the planning. Jess and her friend Stephanie, the event planner (not the same Steph I know now). I was really only tasked with an occasional nod to themes, flowers, seating arrangements and several "yes that's fine" remarks. Oh, and showing up for the thing.

Winter still had the day time weather cool, but yet full of sun. You could tell though, that spring was on its way. It was a warmer day then the previous ones, so thinking about it now, it felt like mother nature made the afternoon nice and mild, just for us.

After searching quite a while for a place to hold the wedding and reception (which was an adventure on its own), we finally settled on having it in the back half of our friend's property that overlooked the north end of the bay area. Quite scenic actually.

The ceremony we had was...nice... I mean, I don't really know how to describe it. As far as wedding ceremonies go and having attended others before, ours seemed pretty much the same as any to me. Oh if Jessie were still around, she would be pissed off at me for blending our wedding with the rest. She would have stated our ceremony was spectacular and majestic. And, it was, I guess...it's just, as a guy, I failed to see the correlation between a splendid event and standing in front of a large group of friends and family for an hour; but yeah, I guess it was pretty cool having the whole event outdoors.

She did look very...very beautiful though. My god did Jessie steal by heart, my breaths. Ladies, you make such a fuss in having the perfect dress for your wedding, and I now realize why you do. Words fail, simply fail to describe how ravishing Jessie looked.

I saw her prior to the ceremony - we didn't hold by that tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding, so I was aware of just how amazing Jess looked in her dress. But as the ritual got underway, and her father walked her up the isle, that was something... unforgettable. Lads, you may have seen a bride in her dress a time or two in your lives, but when the women you see is one that's going to be with "you" forever, you'll understand just how heavenly my bride was to me.

My stomach was in knots. But it wasn't nerves over getting married. No, it was 'butterflies' over seeing this absolutely beautiful and graceful woman being led up to me. Knowing that - even though we were already legally married by the court - I was about to be the luckiest man ever to traditionally be wed to this perfect woman.

Her smile was grand, and I assume mine was just as defined. And after a long winded speech by father Garrett, the "I Do" I dos and the ring exchange, we kissed after we were claimed husband and wife...


...There is really a lot more of this day that I remember, but I won't bore you with further details. No one crashed the wedding reception, we all had fun, no one made a fool of themselves, and the few souls that toasted to us were amazing. We thanked everyone for coming and at the end of the night, we headed off to ready for our trip to Spain...

In the years after this day, we had our fights, we had our moments we couldn't stand one another, we found every little utter annoyance, but we loved each other through it all; and there was no doubting that. My wife was frustrating to be with at certain times, annoying and stubborn the others. She was also very smart, caring, warm and one of the most sincerest souls I ever had the pleasure to know. I loved Jessie til the sudden end, and I will always love her and continue hold her memory at the center of my healing heart.

Everytime I meet new people, they tell me that I must have been strong to have gone through the loss of my wife at such a young age. I tell them I wasn't as strong as they think. But it was the memory of Jessie that I held on to, that let me pull out of the noose and step off of the ladder. I am stronger now, but I'm still rebuilding....

I have a friend who has been married for three years now. Already, he has trouble remembering quite a few details about his own wedding. I ask him how he could just forget things like that when it was just a few short years ago. But then it comes to me that when your marriage is still alive, you don't hold on to those little things as well. You sort of take them for granted. "Yeah I think Steph is the one who remembers that," he said to me.

When you lose the people you love however, you tend to recall even the smallest details, in order to keep those memories alive a little bit longer.

I still miss my wife very much, but at times I feel bad that I don't think about her all the time as I use to, like when I was still in the deep dark sorrow. It gets in my head sometimes, and I think that because I love her so much, that I should never stop thinking about her... but I know that's just not what moving forward is about.

Yes I will always miss Jessie, but the fact that I don't think of her as much, means I'm moving on, I'm healing; which is what she would have wanted. To continue with my life.

I will always remember this day in March. It was a nice San Francisco day. The sun was out, the leaves were coming back to the trees, the families had fun, the whole day went without any major hitches...and, Jessie and I were happy knowing that the next phase of our lives was just beginning, as husband and wife...