Memories Best Unspoken

         She didn't know what happened. A full month was gone from her mind. She only had what people told her, which she knew immediately were lies. But for a year that is all she knew.
"You were just in the hospital. You were very good and all you did was sleep, eat, and watch stuff on the hospital television. I swear that's it."
This is what everyone told her. Word for word, but she knew she went mad, she knew she did more. And she eventually proved herself right.


         3 years later her mother passes away from brain cancer. She has to go through all of her belongings, including everything in the dark, dingy, basement.
         She wasn't very fond of the basement. It gave her anxiety, and she always thought she saw things moving or heard voices in the corner, but she couldn't do anything about it.
         So she proceeded to walk down to the basement and go through everything.
         There wasn't much anymore. A lot of things her mom already went through a couple years back when they were first told about her cancer. When they were told it was gone, she stopped going through all her things. But just 4 months ago she started getting sick again and died very quickly.
         She started with the simple things. Clothes, movies, photos, etc. Then she started on the boxes that were labeled "Misc.", "Keep out", "Nothing important". Her mother was very weird about a lot of things. She did not like it when people saw her vulnerable, or to let people see her in need. A lot of those boxes contained things such as letters to her mother asking for money, old journals, or files about her health.
         But there was one box in particular that made the girl very confused. It seemed to be filled with random items. A gown from what it looked like a hospital, a knife, random locks of hair taped together, a journal, and a hospital bracelet. She read the bracelet, and in print was her name.
         She realized this must've been all the stuff from when she was in the hospital. She was not very surprised that her mother didn't tell her about all of this stuff but she was angry. She could've known what happened that month that she had forgotten but her mother was keeping her from the memory.
         She looked at all the stuff sitting in her lap. The knife had a little dry blood on it, as did the gown. The hair looked like it had been ripped from someone's head. And that someone was she. It explained why after she came home from the hospital, she has bits and pieces of hair missing all over her head. The bracelet looked old and beaten up, and the journal looked worn.
         Even though everything felt familiar, she still couldn't remember everything.
         Tears were forming in her eyes. She didn't know completely why but it felt like a mixture of reasons.
         Then she opened the journal.
         Now, the girl knew why she went into the hospital. After talking to who she thought was a friend of her mom's who claimed they were visiting her mother from another state, and having a conversation for about 3 hours with them, her mom came home and found her sitting on the couch talking to no one.
         She still to this day thought someone was there, but there was no one. And during the period of talking to this person, she grabbed a knife close to her and started cutting up her arm.
         After that, everything went blank.




         1st entry
October 2nd 2010


         I am very scared. The woman told me I was in trouble because I shouldn't have talked to that person. She told me I was going to get in trouble but I didn't listen. Now the people in the place with the white rooms are telling me I am going to stay here a while and all they gave me was this journal.
         I didn't know this person was part of the woman's world. They told me that they were a friend of my mother, but my mom didn't see them and she screamed when she came into the house. I think the person made me hurt myself.




         2nd entry
         October 7th 2010


         I hurt someone today. We were at group and someone was talking about their life at home. Something in my mind, I'm not sure what, was telling me I should hurt them and that they were evil. Mrs. Rainlock told me that was no excuse. I had hit them with a book multiple times. I had to apologize even though I'm still not sure they weren't evil.
         They keep telling me I am not going to get better if I keep hurting people but I don't know what I am getting better from. They still won't tell me.
         For now they say I just need to do as they say and take the pills they give me and stay "calm".




         3rd entry
         October 10th 2010


         I haven't heard the voices for a couple of days but I still see things moving. Sometimes I just watch them and nothing else and then I get in trouble. Mrs. Rainlock tells me to just ignore them and they will go away but I have tried and it just makes it worse. The doctors keep giving me more and more medicine and I don't like it because they keep making me feel nothing. Which I think is what the doctors are going for but what kind of person am I suppose to be if I can't feel sad or happy? I don't want to be a robot. I want to be human.




         4th entry
         October 18th 2010
         They took me off some of the medicine when I told them I couldn't feel anything and the moving wouldn't stop. They put me on some new stuff but it just makes me feel so sad. I'm starting to wonder what they are trying to accomplish with these sad pills. I'm not sure what to do or say. I started lying to everyone. Saying I was happy and feeling better. I'm not sure what will come of this but I want to go home. I haven't seen the woman in a couple of days and that worries me because she is supposed to keep me safe. I hope everything is all right.




         5th entry
         October 23rd 2010


         My mom came to visit me today. She explained to me that there is something "psychologically" wrong with me and that is why I am here. I'm not sure what that means but I believe it has something to do with my mind. She said they would keep me here for a couple of more days and try some more pills on me to make sure I am okay. When I asked her why I needed to take these pills, she started to cry. I couldn't make her stop and then I started to cry, then Mrs. Rainlock came in and told my mom to leave. When I couldn't stop crying, she started to yell at me which made things worse and then the voices started again.
         "Hurt her."
"Make her be quiet."
"She's evil."
"She needs to die."
I then slapped Mrs. Rainlock and then the big men put me in the "Quiet room" for a couple of hours.




         6th entry
         October 29th 2010


          The doctors said I get to go home soon. I am very happy about this. I've been here for almost a month I think. I'm not quite sure. I'm starting to lose some of my memories but the doctor said this is normal with the medication I am taking. I am feeling better and pure. I haven't heard voices or seen any movement and Mrs. Rainlock said I am improving tremendously. I just really hope my mom has stopped crying.




         7th entry
         October 31st 2010


         I am going home today. I forgot a lot of what has happened in the last month but all I know now is that I am better and I finally get to get back to my life. My mom will be here soon. My mom said she would take everything I had in the hospital and burn it. I think she wants to do this so we can forget. She seemed angry when she said it. I think I am okay with this. I really don't want to remember any of this experience.




         She closed the journal and was crying. She now understood why her mom kept this from her. She had forgotten all about her "disorder", but now it explains a lot of things that has happened to her since then. She just listened to everyone when they told her it was for the best if she just took the medicine and saw that doctor and listened to that psychiatrist.
That still didn't make her feel any better about the situation. But there was nothing she could do about it now.
Her mom must've forgotten to burn the stuff when everything about the cancer came up. So she got up, wiped off her tears, put everything back into the box and burned everything in the fire pit.
She never talked about it again.