Would Ya Look at them Melons

Lor' luv a duck! Alwight Geeeeezer!?

How 'as yaaahr day been? Let me tell yew abaaaht me day… i' was a complete Weston-Super-Mare if I’m 'onest! Thee ain’t gonna adam n eve it!
I 'ad ter be awake befawer it stopped being gorky park because I 'ad ter pick up today’s delivery from da depot befawer 5am. So I put me Bill Roffie in me thermos an' 'opped in me slice pan ready ter go. All ov a sudden da gasket goes.

So there I was, in da freezin' cold, spanner in one 'and, wrench in da uvver, when da Missus comes out! No I’m not having a bubble bath! She started goin' on abaaaht dis an' hat – really 'avin' a go, yew know! I was abaaaht ter fight me corner when da slice pan started up. Lucky that. So off I wen' an' started on me trip ter da depot. Nuff said, right?

I got ter da depot alright. A bi' ov traffic, not an' all much buvver really. I gets there an' there 'as been a mix up wiv da deliveries! So, whereas I’m fnkin' I’m gon'a be deliverin' wood an' nails ter Croydon. Oh no mate! I’m down ter delivery melons ter some village in da middle ov nowhere. No, I don’t mean 'em kind ov melons either. I mean actual watermelons! Yeah mate yeah, I didn’t adam n eve i' either.

So I set off. No choice really, need da bread and honey innit. The drive an' allk literally fawerver. I stopped at a shop on me way. I wasn’t sure where I was at what poin' – everyone was really weird. They clearly know I wasn’t from round there! I thought nothin' ov i' as I drove da rest ov da way wiv da melons. I got ter da village, only ter discover what da entire village was flooded. I thought i' was only a bi' ov water but i' didn’t take long ter figure aaaht what da water came up ter da top ov me slice pan tyres. I 'i' somethin' an' all ov a sudden da backdoors ov me van flew open an' all 200 ov da melons fell aaaht ov da slice pan an' wen' bloody every where! I 'ad no idea what melons floated. But they do!
Can yew imagine? They floated up an' down all da fields ov wheat. Ahh mate, I was there fer 'aaahrs 'ryin' ter collect all deese melons. Did I men'ion there was 200 ov da buggers? No one else was in sight either so I 'ad ter pick 'em all up on me Jack Jones.

Turns out, one ov da little bin lids outside what shop I stopped at, unlocked da slice pan doors an' loosened all me melons. So as soon as I 'it whateva i' was I 'it, da melons pushed da bleedin' doors open.

Anyway, afta tha’ day I’m ready fer a jet fighter. What yew drinkin’? Lets get on it, yeeeah?! Know what I mean?