Always Smiling

I see them every day now. I think of them as the Smile Zombies. They seem to enjoy each other’s company more than the company of us unenlightened folks. I guess they don’t want anyone around harshing their buzz. No wet blankets allowed, thank you. It gets to the point where you can’t stand to see their stupid smiling faces. If what they’ve got is happiness, I want no part of it. Me and my misery are doing just fine. It’s hard to believe that that damn gadget only hit the market six months ago. They said it was guaranteed to make all of your worries disappear.

Why be sad when you can smile instead?

Great slogan. When I saw the first Smile-A-Tron commercial I assumed it was a load of bunk, like that infomercial they used to run for the Cray-Zee Knife. In the infomercial some British guy would tell you how the knife could cut through a pineapple like it was cutting through butter. Preparing dinner would be so easy once you had that wacky knife, which could be yours for three easy payments of nine ninety-nine, shipping and handling not included. My cousin Fred gave me one of those things for Christmas one year; the damn thing couldn’t cut a strawberry in half, much less a pineapple.

In the weeks leading up to the public release of the Smile-A-Tron the press couldn’t stop talking about it. The fawned over the new wonder gadget. They marveled at its slim, sleek design. It looked kind of like the old smartphones they used to have back in the Stone Age. They called it a “retro look”.

Not all news outlets were crazy about it, though. Dan Rather let it be known that he thought the device would just give people a false sense of happiness, and rob us of the true joy and pleasures that come along with perseverance over pain and adversity. I’m talking about the flesh and blood Dan Rather on Network 5, not the hologram of his great-grandfather they have doing the nightly news on Network 2.

Then the big day arrived, when the Smile-A-Tron could finally be purchased at your local Mega Mart for the low price of three hundred New Dollars, plus tax. And to tell you the truth, it was just like any other day for me. I went to work like I always do, and after work I went home. I didn’t see a single smiling moonface all day long. It took a few days before I started noticing the Smile Zombies. Just a few at first, usually travelling solo. After a couple of weeks I started seeing them more often, and in ever larger groups. Now it’s not unusual to see a dozen or more of the bastards walking down the street together, all of them smiling like this is the greatest day of their lives, smiling so wide that you can’t help wondering if it hurts their face. I have seen the face of progress, and its face is locked in a smile.

It’s enough to grate on your nerves. It’s enough to make a fella want to climb a clock tower and start picking off every smiling person they see. I would do it myself if I weren’t such a coward.

Man, I think I’m starting to crack up here. I probably sound like a loon. Fine, then I’m a loon. I’d rather be that than a Smile Zombie. It’s not right to be happy all the time. It’s against nature, or something like that. So yeah, I’ll make peace with my demons and learn to live with them. But I’ll keep them close; they’re like old friends of mine. I will not be buying one of those gadgets. I will not become a dazed, smiling fool.

It’s late, and I’m tired. Please, just no more smiling faces today. I don’t ask for much. Let me just make it home without seeing another smiling face, and I will be happy.