Seasons

If you had the chance to go back in time

and change it all... would you take it?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June: He stares at her empty desk and so does everyone else.

July: He doesn't show up at work.

August: While cleaning out her desk, he finds the drawing she made of him two years ago. The nose is a little too big but apart from that, the way she managed to capture him so clearly on that crinkled piece of paper almost makes him shiver. He folds it and puts it in his wallet.

He cleans out the rest of the desk. Her notes, her stapler, her cell phone, her drawing pad (which he keeps for himself), the nail polish, the hair brush, the tooth brush and the small bottle of perfume. With each item removed and thrown away, a little bit of her fades away into nothingness.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If you could choose to go forward in time

to the day you leave... would you do it?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

September: It's been three months and he's learnt how to control himself. Sometimes he slips and it's her name that leaves his lips.

October: As he scrolls through his contacts on his phone he realises with a jolt of his tired heart that he still as her number. He hits call (he must be a masochist). It goes directly to her answering machine and he nearly drops the phone because it's the first time in months that he hears her voice and he didn't realise it would hurt this much. Leave a message, her voice says, and he wishes it were that simple.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If you could choose to end your life

and give it to someone you love... would you do it?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

November: The guilt eats at him and his blue eyes don't sparkle anymore.

December: He wonders if he's a murderer. (He knows he's not fair to himself but there's no one there to tell him otherwise. That used to be her job.)

January: He visits her grave for the first time since the funeral. the headstone is simple but elegant and the fact that her name is engraved in marble makes him realise that she's actually dead. He promises himself that he will never forget her, never let her fade away till she's nothing but a lonely headstone in a landscape of ice and death. He promises to keep her alive, to think of her as if she's still there.

February: He tries hard to fight death but realises that death always wins. She's dead. She's dead. It's been months and everyday everyone forgets a little bit more. He finds it unfair.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

if you could remember everything you ever felt

would you do it? with happiness comes pain

and with beauty comes darkness.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

March: He calls her old number again, needing her voice. His day has been like hell and he hasn't been able to concentrate on anything. He expects her voice but finds nothing. This number is out of service. He drops the phone onto his bed and tries to figure out what to do with himself. This apathy is no good. She wouldn't have wanted it. She, who was so colourful, so strong and so blinding, would have wanted his eyes to sparkle the way they did before. She would have wanted him to smile, at least sometimes. She would have kicked his sorry ass for not continuing to live.

April: He goes to a game with their friends and realises that they miss her too.

May: At work, she's been replaced. And though the woman who's replacing her is perfectly lovely and good at her job, he can't help feeling a sting of hatred towards her. He knows he shouldn't but he can't help it and he spends the day avoiding the woman all together. He'd rather not insult her for something she had nothing to do with. Yet miraculously (he thinks), she seems to understand how brittle the situation is for she says nothing. She just looks around the office at the tense faces of her new co-workers and understands. Somehow, in the midst of all this change and moving on, he finds the time to feel a little grateful for it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

if you could go back in time

a year, to be exact

would you do it?
would you go back in time

to see her one last time

and then

never again?


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June: They light a lone candle on one of the many office desks that day. They sit in silence, all of them, and look at the candle flickering softly. They all remember their own personal relationship with her. Some smile, some don't, some cry discreetely, and some just look at the candle on the desk. Tonight, his eyes do sparkle a little, but it's a spark caused from mainly loss. He wonders how she's doing and if she's waiting for him. A year has passed and somehow it feels like a lifetime. A year has passed since they all lost her and the pain is still fresh. The wound will never heal. But maybe he'll learn to live with it.