Don't Forget the Hushpuppies!

         Fish and chips, my bodacious half Brit wife was having an uncontrollable hankering for them. Being the wonderful thoughtful husband that I am, I took my fiery Brooke out to the Uncle Arthur’s for dinner. It was my treat.

         The place was packed. Brooke happily tapped my shoulder, “Don’t forget the hushpuppies!” She scurried away and claimed one of the few remaining booths. I gazed around the busy fast food restaurant in total disbelief as I stood in line. I had seen it crazy like this on a Friday night, but on a Monday? It officially became a circus as a man walked in and thundered boisterously, “I know you are here! Show yourself!”

         You could’ve heard a gnat buzzing around at 10,000 feet. Family members that were ignoring one another put their cellphones down and looked curiously at the man. Some patrons looked at him and then slowly looked around the room while others put their hands over their mouths to hide the snickers; a few protective parents slowly cuddled their children into themselves.

         I glanced over my shoulder and looked at my wife. I slowly reached behind me for my crony USN issued 9MM, she shook her ginger head. I nodded in return, stopped, and studied the man.

         Did he escape Dorkham Asylum which lay on the other side of Gotham? Was he homeless? Was he on drugs? He didn’t seem fazed that there were nearly 60 people inside the building. The man slowly turned around and repeated, “I know you are here! Show yourself!”

         ‘The Employees Only’ door opened up. His eyes narrowed as the Uncle Arthur’s mascot stepped out. The clueless pirate began to happily talk, “Ahoy me hearties! It’s the scourge of the seven seas, Cap’n Arthur! Now mateys, let’s hoist the Jolly Roger and pilfer some delicious grub!”

         I could see the man’s blood pressure boiling as the pirate continued to talk. He gnashed his teeth together and thundered as he pointed his stern finger, “YOU!” The corsair didn’t have time to reply before the man tackled him.

         “Blimey! Get this scallywag off of me!” the Cap’n exclaimed as the cheering crowd forgot about their food as he and the stranger wrestled around on the tiled floor. They continued as ‘The Employees Only’ door slowly once again opened. A guilty looking freckle faced boy looked down at the chaotic scene.

         I saw the teen swallow hard. The nervous kid looked around for the nearest exit and closed the door. He tip toed through the rabid mob. He took one last glance back as he sensed his freedom, only to see my official US Navy ID card in his face.

         He dropped a colorful expletive and hung his head. I grabbed him by the shoulder and escorted him to the melee. My wife saw me coming with the kid and whipped out her Company (CIA) 9MM, stopping the fight. The gasping crowd went silent. I push the kid forward and told everyone that I was with the US Navy and their show was over.

         The pudgy manager, who had been tucked away in his tiny office, conveniently came out. “What’s going on here!” he demanded.

         “I don’t know George! He attacked me for no reason!” Cap’n Arthur exclaimed as he fixed his askew pirate hat.

         “You know full well what you did!” the angry man fired back, sticking that stern finger at him once again. “Don’t deny it! You did it!”

         “No I didn’t!”

         “Oh bugger!” my frustrated wife chimed in. “Will you two get your knickers out of a wad and stop acting like children!”

         The kid confessed, “I did it,” as he raised his hand. “I’m the one.” The boy recounted the incident. He was dressed as Cap’n Arthur doing his duty of promoting the fish ‘n chips joint. He was holding an Uncle Arthur’s sign when a brisk wind caught it, sending it towards the man’s car; scratching his new paint job. The boy didn’t think anyone saw him, picked up the sign, and walked back to end his shift.

         Everything was reconciled, the man apologized, the kid apologized, the rotund manager apologized. Amused patrons went back to eating their dinners. The French fries were cold, cold drinks were warm, and the ice cream melted; however, the people did have their dinner and a show.

         Twenty minutes later our order was complete. I thanked the girl behind the counter, took the tray, and walked over to my famished wife. I set the tray down, sat across from my mate, and we grabbed our food. Brooke tilted her fiery head, suddenly looking sad. She stuck her bottom lip out and pouted, “You forgot my hushpuppies…”