A READING OF A WILL

You are all here today for the reading of Frank Avery’s last will and testament:
         
To my granddaughter, Ellen:  You patiently sat by my bed and held my hand. I overheard your phone conversation with your friend.  She told you she received a big inheritance when she sat by her grandfather’s bed. Ellen, I have two pieces of advice for you: 1) Do not listen to a 14 year old girl.  2) The next time you decide to earn money off of someone dying, make sure they can’t hear you.

To my brother, Phil:  I liked you better as a kid.  You were smart and had a very bright future ahead of you.  You could have been a multimillionaire by now except for the growth that is continually on your arm that manages to suck not only the life out of you but every cent that you’ve ever made:  I’m giving you my sympathy.

As for my sister-in-law:  I still remember the day Phil brought you home to meet Mom.  I knew two things:  (1) Phil just made the worst mistake of his life. (2) Thank God I didn’t go out with him that weekend (It could have been me!).  I appreciate you coming to the hospital every day.  I heard one of the nurses say that they never saw such a devoted family member.  Obviously they didn’t see you going through my wallet!

To Harold, my older brother:  The only reason why you would out live me is for spite.  You always were an all or nothing guy, so since you can’t have it all, guess what I left you!

To Jasper and Alice, my devoted servants:  My late wife, Eleanor, thought that you were the best employees that we ever hired.  I loved her dearly and miss her every day but she did have one flaw:  She was a bad judge of character.

I know about the watered down scotch, the silverware being pawned, and several other mysterious disappearances and events over the years.  Do you remember the vacation that we gave you 6 years ago?  I updated the security system by adding cameras to every nook and cranny.  You might be noticing that Phil’s wife is looking a little pale.  I don’t think prison has a spa but you’re pretty so I presume you’ll do alright.

I guess you’re all wondering who gets it all.  Fortunately, I had time before my death to think about it and here’s what I came up with:

The paintings are going to the museum and the furniture will be auctioned off tomorrow with the other household effects. If you’re a member of the family, you have to pay three times the highest bid on the item.  As for the cash, Mr. Brooks, my solicitor, has done an excellent job of carrying out my wishes. 

I remember that old saying about not being able to take it with you when you’re gone but I made sure that neither can any of you!