Top 10 Reasons Why Patty Never Called Me

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Isn’t it funny how over time one’s writing can change? I used to write mostly poetry and short stories. Now primarily what I write are these weird, lonely, little non-fiction blurbs about myself. I don’t necessarily mind this morphing of my writing style. If that is the direction my proverbial muse wants to take me in, then so be it. I will spice this “blurb” up with a David Letterman style Top Ten List toward the end. Gotta mix things up right?

And so, dear reader, join me where I am “currently,” and that is the Queens Galley in Kingston, New York. The Galley is a soup kitchen. I am there volunteering. Lunch is over, so now it’s slow. After lunch I like to wrap silverware. It is my favorite job. It’s easy and peaceful and I get to sit while I do it.

I go to do that task and find a young lady just sitting down to wrap the silverware herself. I ask her if I may join her. She says yes.

It is only then that I realize she has a mental disability. ARC sometimes brings around some of their people to help after lunch to wrap silverware, to sweep and mop the floors, to clean the tables…You know, the simple stuff.

She has a Winnie-the-Pooh T-shirt on. We begin to discuss Pooh. As we are engaging in our intellectual conversation, another woman (she’s younger than me, but in my ballpark), who I assume is the young girl’s supervisor, comes over and sits with us. We cover Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore, Christopher Robin and such. The older woman doesn’t know Pooh, but she seems amused by our conversation.

The three of us chit-chat about this and that. I introduce myself and get their names. The young girl is Ashley; the supervisor’s name is Patty. Patty asks me some questions. She asks me how long I’ve been coming here. She asks me what I do. I ask her about her job. It is all very pleasant and normal.

A large delivery load comes in, so I stop wrapping silverware and I leave them to go help with that. After pulling all of the food and produce out of the boxes, I begin to fold the cardboard up for disposal. As I’m doing this Patty moves within talking distance to me. I don’t think anything of this and we continue to talk and joke around some more.

I finish flattening the cardboard and begin to take it out to the dumpster. While I’m doing this Patty “catches” me alone outside. She asks me for my phone number.

I am instantly alarmed. I think that I’m in trouble for talking to Ashley, but I can’t think of anything inappropriate I said to her. I ask Patty why she wants my number. She is holding her cards close to her, which makes me even more scared. I ask her again and she says “I want to discuss some things with you.”

And then, finally, it dawns upon me. Perhaps she asking me for my number for an entirely other reason than to reprimand me. This does not make me any less nervous, only more so. Women never express any interest in me. I haven’t been on a date in well over two years, and that doesn’t really count because that was when I was with my wife.

Despite my nervousness there is something about the moment that makes me want to go to goofy Andy Land. I want to say “Are you kidding? Hell yeah, you can have my number.” Then I would repeat it three times to make sure she had it straight. “And Patty you can call me ANYTIME, including three o’clock in the morning if you want.” But I don’t, I can’t seem to be able to wrap my mind around her asking me for my number. In fact, during this whole exchange I have this pained, confused look on my face. It’s probably how I look when I’m constipated. I’m very smooth.

Tentatively, I give her my number. She thanks me and then she and Ashley leave back to their house.

So what happened you ask? I know I have you, dear reader, in the palm of my hand with my gripping tale of potential romance. So what happened, you ask again?

She didn’t call.

Anyway, the following is my list of Top Ten Reasons Why Patty Never Called Me.

10) Just as she was dialing my number she died, sadly and ironically enough, of loneliness.

9) She decided she didn’t want to use up her cell phone minutes.

8) Her husband convinced her that calling me would be a bad idea.

7) She watched the movie Swingers that night, and realized that if she waited more than 7 days to call me, her beautiful baby, that would be so money.

6) Ashley convinced her that calling me would be a bad idea.

5) I was so shocked a woman asked me for my number, I gave it to her wrong.

4) Her vacation plans fell through, so her wanting to ask me if I’d swing by and water her plants while she was gone, became moot.

3) She just plum forgot.

2) She was going to call me, but then she came to her fucking senses.

1) I’m delusional. I just dreamed the whole thing up.

Of all of these I think I like 1 the best. It has so much potential. Now I can put my over active imagination to good use. In my mind tonight I’m going to have Patty call me. Our conversation is going to sparkle. We are so going to hit it off.

I may even add to this piece the Top Ten Things We Might Do On Our Imaginary First Date. Stay tuned, dear reader, and I will tell you how all that goes too. And then? Well, eventually I’m going to score with her, naturally. I mean why not treat myself right? The only thing holding me back is my mind.

So, stick around if you want, and I’ll give you all the imaginary details of how that amorous encounter goes down too.