The Clean Up

                                                                                                                                                     The Clean Up



         “Where is everyone?” 

         Elizabeth plopped on the couch next to her older sister.  She frowned at Kaye who held a book to her nose, curled up on the cream colored couch. Her sister never read, but was always full of energy and laughter.  It made her uneasy. 

         Kaye looked over at her silent sister.  She spoke, as if there was a weight inside that held the words from escape.  “Mark is at basketball, and Lynnette and Julie are in bed.  Mom and Dad are at grandma’s. They should be back soon.”           

         Elizabeth’s mind strained to categorize the information. At grandma’s?  Without us? This was the third time in two weeks.  “Why?” came the question before Elizabeth had the chance to consider if she wanted to know the answer. 

         Kaye gently touched Elizabeth’s arm at her confused expression.  “I think you need to talk to Mom and Dad about why.  It’s not my place.”

         All the information began to sort in her mind and it left her with more questions than answers.  The questions of why they were at Grandma's and why there was so much tension in the home were unsettling.          

         The unsettling questions sent energy into her legs, and in a blur she bolted down the stairs to her bedroom. Her mind raced.  What could be going on?  Why are they talking to grandma alone so much?  Why won’t Kaye tell me?  Does this have anything to do with all the arguing?  She impatiently tugged at her brown curly hair and secured it away in a pony tail. She sat cross-legged, in her fuzzy purple and white socks.  Elizabeth picked up her language arts homework and stared blankly at the mass of words. Unable to concentrate, she closed the book, pulled out a magazine and flipped through the pages aimlessly.  She hoped something would catch her attention and give her relief. Unwanted thoughts or the recent silence treatments or arguments battered into her begrudging mind, and reminded her of the increase in tension in the house she had noticed over the past several months.  Her parents infrequent conversations seemed forced and superficial.  Elizabeth sensed something boiling just underneath the surface that, with great effort, they kept tightly sealed.           

         Elizabeth threw her body back on her pillow.  Out her window, past the window well her father lovingly crafted for her and her sister, she envisioned the brilliance of the stars at their family vacation spot, Bear Lake.  The rhythm of the waves always  comforted her as they rolled bringing in small sea shells for another day of collecting.  The sand slid between her feet and flip flops, delivering its cool wetness with it.  She couldn’t remember a year her family didn’t go to Bear Lake.  She rubbed her arms and remembered the tight sting of warmth that came when sunscreen wasn’t applied as diligently as it should have been.  Cheers resounded in her memories the moment she learned a new trick on the slalom ski.  The thrill was tainted by the recollection that her mother wasn’t in the boat.  Her mother wasn’t at most of the activities that her father arranged, like the swims on Saturday afternoons, horseback rides, and the sleigh rides down the mountain trail which were always fun, but left her  bruised and sore.

         Elizabeth’s smile fell from her face. Her mother’s actions often confused her.  She worked hard--washing, folding and packing clothes, shopping for food, making dozens of cookies, all in preparation for the Bear Lake trip.  Once there, she would wait patiently at the picnic table, happy to hear of the adventures of the day, and ready to play a game of cards with the returning water-skiers.  Mom used her weight as an excuse to not get in the boat or join in most of the activities since Elizabeth could remember.  This excuse frustrated Elizabeth.  Why wouldn’t she diet so that she could join them? Was it she just didn’t want to be there?  She had never even seen her slalom ski.  These thoughts caused a familiar reoccurring pain to surface.

         She turned those thoughts back to the feeling of the camp fires.  The flames warmed her like a soothing bath as she watched them flicker in the night.  The whole family seemed happy at that moment.  Kaye pulled out her guitar to sing.  Elizabeth, proud to knew the alto parts of the song, sang the harmony. She longed to have her family around the campfire now, singing in harmony, but all she could imagine was discord notes.  Elizabeth closed her eyes in an attempt to block out the present and remain in this peaceful memory forever.  But like the waves rolling back and forth on the shore.  Shouts from the neighbor yanked her mind back to last week inducing an unpleasant memory of her mother’s desperate voice asking her father to stay home.  His angry response came back loud and hurtful. 

      “Look I need to go for a walk.  Someone around here should be getting some exercise!” 

        Her father rarely yelled, especially at her mother.  Elizabeth moved closer to hear the argument just as it ended.  Her father was usually quiet and private.  He never revealed much emotion.  Feelings of concern for this man she idolized had always come quickly. What caused him to be so angry?  She didn’t want to feel discord.  He passed Elizabeth in the hall abruptly.  Her mother, following, turned the corner and faced Elizabeth.  She saw such anger in her mother’s face she felt scared.  Her mother’s expression changed the moment she saw Elizabeth. 

        “Im sorry, I didn’t know you were here.”  She reached out to touch Elizabeth, but Elizabeth didn’t want to be touched and jerked away.

         Elizabeth grabbed and old notebook from her bed and shredded old homework pages into the pink garbage can in the corner.  An overwhelming feeling of dread consumed her as she grabbed her crumpled size seven jeans from the floor and hung them in the closet, but the force made the hanger slide and they hit the floor.  Tears filled her blue eyes and she angrily brushed them away.  The premonition of unwanted change hung on her, forcing her down to the floor. These arguments were coming more and more frequent.  Her father was leaving for walks more often.          

         Elizabeth recognized the squeaky groan from the garage door as it closed. 

        They’re home. 

She listened as the hallway floor screeched when they passed to their bedroom one floor above her.  She took the stairs at a much slower pace than usual, less confident as she approached her parents' bedroom door. The flocked gold and white wall paper in her parents' room greeted her as if to say, “Don’t worry, everything is still the same.” 

        Her mother and Kaye sat on the bed.  Kaye held her mother’s hand.  "Elizabeth was asking..." she heard as she opened the door.  She stood at the threshold as her mother and Kaye stared at her in silence. 

         The sound of running water behind the closed bathroom door made Elizabeth wonder what her father could hear.  She straightened her shoulders.

         “What’s going on, Mom?”  The words came out more accusatory than she had intended.  “Why are you going to grandma’s so much?  What are all the secrets about?" Elizabeth stood stiffly by the doorway, arms crossed in an ineffective attempt to protect herself from the answer. 

         She was disarmed when her mother tenderly looked up with eyes overflowing with tears.  Elizabeth’s anger gave way at the tender look her mother gave her.  She was confused by this image of her mother, the powerful, independent, unshakable woman who had run a family of seven with apparent ease and was strong and tough as stone, not a weepy puddle.  Elizabeth walked slowly toward her mother. 

         “What happened, Mom?”  came the now frightened words.  She believed all along that her mother was the cause of the discord.  This new image of her tearful mother, obviously hurting caused her to question. Wasn’t she the one causing this problem?  Was he tired of putting up with her weight problem?  Was it something else?

         “Your father is having an affair,”  she grimaced as if the words themselves caused searing pain.  “We have been going Grandma’s seeking her advice.” 

         Heat began to rise from somewhere in Elizabeth’s legs, up her midsection.  Her stomach wanted to wretch its contents over the tan carpet.  Her throat burned, the flash of red was evident on her face.  Her surroundings clouded as her focus shifted to the door knob to the bathroom.  The sound of whooshing in her ears began as her legs softened underneath her.

      My Dad?  He loves us, right?  Why would he do this to our family?  Is he leaving us? 

      The foundation of her family was rocked.  She reached forward, grasping the bed, hoping to gain control of her shaking legs. The scent of her mother’s favorite body spray drew her down.  Reassurance came with the warmth of her mother’s hand on her leg.  The sound of the water in the bathroom stopped.  Silence filled the space between Elizabeth and the wall her father stood behind.  But it was more.  A barrier of shattered expectations, disappointment, and pain remained.

             Elizabeth shook her head in an attempt to make everything fade away, or at least fall into some kind of order.  Elizabeth’s mouth opened.         

        “What? With who? When?” 

        Elizabeth tried to reconcile her disbelief with this new, and very raw information.

               “I suspected for many years.  I would watch as your father would leave at odd times to go for walks.  He would return different, happy but distracted. His explanations were vague.”  Elizabeth remembered the walks.  “Your sister,” her mother paused as if the words wedged in her throat.  She swallowed hard and looked at Kaye as she continued, “She found them together three weeks ago.”  The glance shared between them was filled with compassion and deep sorrow. 

         Elizabeth’s fury erupted!  Words spewed out a newly formed crater in her mind.  The intensely painful reconstruction of the father she thought she always knew left a feeling of confusion and emptiness. “Why would he do this?  Who is this whore?  Doesn't he know what this will do to the family?”  She spoke intentionally loud enough for her father to hear behind the bathroom door.  She wanted to smack him hard with her words. "How could he be so stupid and selfish?"  She wanted to send words like daggers to his heart and tear a chasm equivalent to the one lacerating her.  The betrayal she felt pounded in her head.  Through all this confusion she heard tender words coming from her mother.

        “Elizabeth, I am partly to blame.  There are some things I need to work on as well.  I haven’t been as affectionate as I should have been.”          

         Elizabeth’s thoughts flashed back and forth. She knew this about her mother but that was no excuse!  Her thoughts seemed to make mush out of her brain.  She couldn’t think. This was not what she had thought or expected. Her father was the one she trusted.  He made her feel like she was his favorite.  He loved the same things she did.  She was just like him. This new revelation of her father battered against her core.

         She looked, really looked into her mother’s wet eyes, and then at Kaye.  Unexpectedly she experienced, just at that moment, an epiphany, a manifestation of truth.  For months she had blamed her mother solely for all the contention between her parents.  The realization hit her that her mother had been living with this knowledge of deceit all along.  Elizabeth’s tears flowed!  It was as if a conduit to her soul opened with pure understanding.  Her mother never told her.  She never let on that Elizabeth's father was living a lie.  She even encouraged their outings to keep the relationship strong between Elizabeth and her father.  Memories of sitting at the wooden kitchen table, playing games with her mother while her father was "on a walk".  Elizabeth realized now where he really was. Her mother was her protector.  She concealed her knowledge of his affair, all in an attempt to preserve the family.  Elizabeth knew her mother would continue to safeguard them, even try to repair the damage to a relationship between Elizabeth and her father.  Her mother wasn’t just a mender of clothes, but one who wove together a life for Elizabeth that would give her the best chance at happiness.  Regardless of the forceful rips and tears in the family fabric, her mother would protect the family.

             Elizabeth walked, as if in a nightmare, back to her room. She was shaken more deeply than she had ever been.  Loyalties to her father were unhinged,  left to be rehung at another date.  All thoughts she believed and understood about him were questioned.  Did he cherish his family? Did he cherish her? If he could do this to her mother..was he the honest loving father she had believed him to be?  And yet she realizes, he is a good man and he does love me, but he did this bad thing.  Stitching these opposing feelings together caused a tightness within.

             The eruption was over,  the mountain of Elizabeth’s life shaped differently. She knew on the outside life would not look much different.  Those who associated with her family at church and her friends at school would not know her world had shifted.          Those that did know would honor her mother’s wish and keep this secret quiet.  To protect all involved, her father, her siblings and Elizabeth.

         The alarm awakened Elizabeth the next morning from a dream about Bear Lake.  The fog in her mind slowly began to lift as she methodically began her morning routine.  Then, like a flashlight in a haunted house, painful memories of her father’s deception came in a caustic stream back to her mind. 

         Her father passed her in the kitchen.  Carnation instant breakfast bubbled in the glass as she stirred.  Elizabeth skipped her dad’s homemade wheat bread.  She didn’t believe she would be able to swallow it this morning.  He knew that she knew, and left without saying a word.

                   The hallway floor creaked as Elizabeth walked to her mother’s bedroom.  Mom sat in her chair with a book.           

         “Hey, I’ll see you after school...I love you Mom.” 

      Words Elizabeth rarely spoke came out like a warm balm on an achey muscle.  She focused in on her mother’s blue eyes. Elizabeth read the compassion her mother felt for her. Tears of gratitude and pain combined in Elizabeth’s eyes as her mother reached out to hold her.  Wrapped in her mother’s ample arms gave Elizabeth reassurance.  The protection and cover of her mother's love would continue to protect and heal the crater, that was left by the deception of her father.  She didn’t know then but one day, all of this destruction would be cleaned up, and forgiveness would be the balm that healed the hole.