The greatest fear

I’ve started to realize that I’m a nice person. Now, before you get all high and mighty and tell me I’m full of myself, hear me out. I’ve started to realize I’m a nice person, despite my efforts of trying to be an asshole and a douche bag. I don’t want to be a nice person, it’s something that I wish to avoid. Why? Simply because it’s much easier being an asshole than a nice person. Yet, it seems I’m incapable of being an asshole. I’ve tried, I’m still trying, but I’ve realized by now, I’m genuinely a nice person. I will not allow for someone to pay for me, when I know they cannot afford it, I will try my best not to actually hurt someone, despite their views being in conflict with mine. I will try my best to non-verbally appreciate someone who is nice to me, despite me making mean, yet playful comments most of the time at them.

I guess I’ve been trying to fool myself for so many years into thinking that I’m an asshole, that because of that, I do not deserve a companion or a partner. That because of that, people don’t enjoy my company and that I do not deserve the friends that I have. Yet, somehow, I’ve managed to attain all of that, despite my delusions. Am I that transparent? Or are my friends just really that forgiving?

I’m a prideful person and a really stubborn one at that. I keep count on everything, but it’s always biased against me. If I pay for someone’s dinner, I have no care in the world and forget about it the next day. If someone pays me dinner, I will do anything to pay that person back. Some of my friends get really annoyed with me when that happens, as if I do not appreciate their money or kindness. I would pay for them and not care, why would they not be able to pay for me and not care?

I think I’m a complicated person as well, mainly because my views on a lot of stuff has changed drastically over the course of a few years. It’s probably because of the lack of a father figure that I’m influenced easily by the people I like and respect. However, due to the nature of my stubbornness and pride, I would never do something that I truly do not want to do. So in a sense, I’m more of a person who’ll try anything and is open to any opinion, but is able to form his own and holds onto it until it’s disproven.

Furthermore, I feel as if I’m a harshly critical person when it comes to myself. I often feel that I could be so much more of a person than I am right now. Not because I lack confidence or am insecure, it’s quite the opposite. I think I am a respectable person, but I know that I lack something. I have no reason to be alive at all, that is what I hate about myself. I have no dream, no purpose. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. I am not interested in love, not as much that I’d want to spend my whole pursuing it and keeping it. I am not interested in children, this world is way too fucked up to raise any child in. And I am definitely not interested in wealth or fame, simply because there is no point to it when I am death.

Countless times I’ve deluded myself into believing that I do have a dream and that is to enjoy life and everything it brings. To try everything and keep an open mind when it comes to everything. But that’s not a real dream, that more of a virtue. Next, I tried to convince myself that my dream, is to find a dream to have. Pretty pathetic, right? Wanting to have a dream, is a dream? Bullshit. After that, I tried to convince myself that I want to know everything and learn about everything. Learn about history, philosophy, psychology, medicine, art and so on, however, I soon realized that all this knowledge isn’t interesting to have, except if I want to participate in a trivia quiz.

This is how I kept going for years, trying to find something I want, something that I can dream of. Here I am now, with nothing but myself. The greatest fear to have is knowing you have no reason to live, at all. The greatest fear to have is knowing that you are not afraid of death. The greatest fear to have is knowing that any action you perform is useless and baseless. The greatest fear to have is knowing all of this and not knowing what to do next. Yet you keep going.. Without reason.. Without purpose.