A Modern Day Love Story

There was no way we should ever be together. She was way out of my league. I was the quiet geeky kid in high school, and she was a juvenile delinquent. I spent my weekends playing wizards and warlocks, and fantasizing about her. She spent her weekends breaking and entering, and getting into fist fights. I can remember the first time I met her like it was yesterday. I was walking home from school one day and I knew that she would be waiting at the bus stop just like she always was. I was wearing my Flash Gordon running shoes, cut-off jean shorts, and over-sized Fubu sweater. She was wearing a white wedding dress with ketchup smeared down the front, and a Chuck Norris back-pack that she had to have gotten on-line. I tried to play it cool, I kept telling myself not to look over at her but my eyes wouldn't listen, they wandered like an outdoors cat that just heard about a mouse termination down the street. Hopefully she wouldn't notice my gazes. As I walked past her and her friends, I wondered what it would be like to hold her in my arms, and perhaps even fondle her breasts (on top of her top). A wry smile came across my face and I had the kind of boner that doesn't quite give away the plot, its just kind of there enough so that only you notice it, but its not the kind of boner that you must tuck into the top of your waistband for fear of getting noticed. Just when I thought I was in the clear it hit me like a ton of bricks, or more so like one of those novelty anvils that you used to see in Bugs Bunny cartoons...I knew that I was bleeding profusely and was most surely concussed, but I wasn't sure what it was that had just struck me in the back of the head. As I regained semi-consciousness, I noticed what had done the damage, because it was still laying beside me. "Did someone just hit me in the head with a fucking sockeye salmon?" I had to have been more than 50 feet away from them, there's no way they could've launched it that far. As I lay there withering on the ground in pain, struggling to pick up my belongings and dignity, I felt someone step on my foot. I tried to roll  over and protect myself but it was too late, they were all over me like a hooker at a cock-sucking convention, one of them held down both of my legs, and the others had stepped on both of my arms, thus rendering me completely immobile. Then the ring leader appeared. Could it really be that the object of all of my affection had orchestrated this heinous, unwarranted, unprovoked, attack?

"What in the fuck were you looking at back there Short Bus?" She said it in a tone that let me know she meant business. Stern like your Mother after she just caught you watching Bleu Nuit with your pants down. I was struggling to come up with something to say, partly because I still wanted her to know how I felt about her, but mostly because she had now mounted me, and seemed like she was going to spit in my face. "B-B-B-B-But I love you!" Was all I could muster. I'm not sure what hurt more, that fact that she was now laughing so hard at me because of what I had just said, or because she followed up the laughter with what seemed like it must have been a ten-hit combo out of Street Fighter Alpha. I was certain that she had broken my collar bone, jaw, and a minimum of three rib's. I struggled to get her off of me, but she was strong as an ox. I was only 140 pounds soaking wet, and she had to have been pushing 320. I gave up, it was pointless. Just when I thought she had had enough, she decided to leave me with a parting gift. My arms and legs still pinned down by her band of thugs, she worked up the biggest, nastiest loogie that her mouth could muster, and pjgyigiyug (the sound a loogie makes when it leaves a mouth). Direct hit! As much as I did not want her to spit directly into my mouth, the hopeless romantic in me was also a bit curious as to what some of her body fluids might taste like. From what I could tell, she must have eaten a tuna salad for lunch, but there was still the distant, subtle hints of an over-cooked raspberry Pop Tart that must have been breakfast. "You can thank me later, and keep the salmon you fucking Dirt Nugget!" she said as she gave me one final kick to the groin with her steel-toed boots. It was finally over. I was left on the sidewalk looking like one of those rodeo clowns that had just been been mauled by an angry bull. I was possibly as close to death as I'd ever been without actually dying. Every ounce of my being told me that I should hate this girl forever, but for some odd reason, I still found myself oddly attracted to her. I scraped the crusts of blood out of my eyes, regained what little composure I had left, and decided to make my way home.

When I walked through the front door of my house, I was yelled at by my parents for being late for dinner, but they had not yet seen what condition I was in. "Oh my God what happened to you Chip!" Exclaimed my Mother. When I told her the story she was furious, she was just about to call the authorities when I somehow managed to convince her otherwise. "But I love this woman" I told her. "Well I don't care what you think of this little skank, Chip, she needs to be arrested for attempted murder, just look at your fucking face, not to mention your clothes are all torn up, and you still have at least one rib protruding through the skin....matter of fact, I'm not even sure how you're standing here arguing with me about this right now, shouldn't we get you to a hospital? You could probably use a blood transfusion and some Wet Naps or something". We went back and forth for nearly an hour, I'm not sure how I did it, but I somehow managed to convince her not to press charges. I agreed to do her taxes next month, and in exchange, she had agreed to allow me to pursue the worst love connection that mankind had ever seen. My Father took an entirely different approach. While my Mother and I were arguing over our course of action, he just kind of sat there, chipping in occasionally with his two cents worth, clearly paying more attention to The Antique Road Show rather than what was going on in his very living room. That night however, just as I was about to fall into a deep slumber, my bedroom door quietly opened and in came my Father. "Slide over Son, I have something to show you" He reached behind his back and pulled out a massive scrap-book. "I was going to wait until you were a bit older, but I suppose the time has come". Over the course of the next two hours, he proceeded to show me, in great detail, photo's, diagrams, and written how-to memoirs that was basically like 'Chicken Soup for the How to Please a Women's Soul'. It had everything, detailed writings on the proper way to massage a clitoris, sex positions that seemed like they would have been outlawed by the Kama Sutra, open-mouth-but-no-tongue kissing techniques passed down from his great grandfather, and a bunch of other shit that gave me nightmares for the next three weeks. This book was War and Peace BIG. The thing had damn near over 100 chapters. I wondered where he had even hid this street gynecology chronicles for all these years. "Dad, I had absolutely no idea that you may very well be, the most perverted human being I have even met". He put his hand on my shoulder and left me with one more tasty nugget before our Father-Son sexual conversation ended. "Son, I mean no disrespect by this to your Mother, but before her and I got together and had you...I was the fucking man around these parts. I'm not even exaggerating the slightest bit either, I mean, if I had a nickel for every bit of pussy that I have run through in my life, I would have enough money to solve to entire planet's economic crisis. I'm talking about some shit here that you won't even be able to pull off in your wildest fantasies. Don't take this message lightly either, but what I am about to pass onto you, you can't even get at University, fuck that, anywhere". And with that, he opened up my hand and gently placed a small chain and pendant into my palm, the inscription on the pendent read 'The Vagina Destroyer', he then slid the book under my pillow, gave me a kiss on the forehead, and said "Sleep well brave Prince, brush off the savage beating you received today from the woman you love, and go out tomorrow and catch that rainbow!". And just like that he was gone into the night.

I spent the greater parts of the next few weeks plotting on how I could get her to notice me. I still always walked home from school in an alternate direction because she was usually at the bus stop with her thugettes, but soon our paths would cross again, and this time I would be ready. It happened on a Friday afternoon, I was taking my alternate route which just happened to go past a local convenience store, when I noticed that she was out front begging people for change. I was certain that she did not need the money, because I had heard through the branches that her family was quite well-off. I decided that this was as good a time as any, either she was going to kick the ever loving shit out of me again, or I was going to know what it feels like for a man when his testicles drop. I slowly approached but still kept my distance out of fear, when I got within ear shot, I made my move. "Hey you big sexy ball of turbo love, what brings you here, and why are you asking people for money?" She quickly spun around in a flash with a violent crescent kick that easily would have landed on my chin had I been close enough. "You again, didn't you learn you lesson the last time?" She snarled. "Ugh, yeah, I wanted to thank you for that, I thought it was a bit rude how you hit me in the back of the head with that sea creature the other day, and then shit-kicked me, so I wanted to make peace" I said. I took a step in and extended my hand as a sign of peace. She looked at me very hesitantly "Well, normally I would have already beat you up again by this point, but I'll tell you what, I forgot my wallet at home today (hence the begging) but I'll suck your dick behind that dumpster over there if you go into the store and buy me one large bag of ketchup chips, a Snickers bar, three packs of Craven A king-size, this month's Cosmopolitan, one of those shitty toffee bars where every time you eat it you're stuck peeling shit off the roof of your mouth for the rest of the afternoon, a pack of Zig-Zags (white's), a two-liter bottle of cherry Coke, and one of those disgusting corner store hot dogs that seems like its been spinning on its cooker-bars for years. I ran into the store like it was holding the secret for eternal youth, and I rounded up those items faster than Usain Bolt on crystal meth.

"Wow, I never thought you'd actually agree to buy that shit!" She said as she gently grabbed my hand and started leading back behind the store where the dumpster was located. I remember it like it was the last episode of Star Trek the Next Generation, her hand was larger than mine but they both clasped together just right, it kind of looked like an over-sized woolly mammoth was holding hands with an under-sized school girl, but it felt good like the first time you pulled off your big toenail due to an injury that you sustained on it months earlier. Unfortunately, our first sexual dalliance did not go down exactly as I would have liked, but that was only because I barely had enough time to review my Father's gash-manual. In due time I thought. She bent down in front of me, slowly running her hands up the front of my Lee Dungarees, all the while still gazing into my blackened eyes, when she got to my zipper, I lost it. Every part of my being wanted this to be the most sensual, long-lasting, fellatio session in the history of history. The warm feeling of me spraying my man-milk into the crotch of my Fruit of Looms was, at the very least, a huge let down. However I did not receive the reaction from her that I was expecting. "Did you just cum in your knickers you little premature ejaculator?" She queried. "Ugh, no babe, I mean, yes, I mean, I'm not sure, I mean, can we try that again in twenty minutes to an hour?" I sounded like one of those uber smart kids in a spelling bee contest that keeps asking the judges for the root of the word when he clearly doesn't know how to spell the fucking thing in the first place. She just laughed and shook her head. She got up and gave me a bite of her Snickers bar, she even went as far as to wipe the caramel stains from the corner of my mouth. "Oh and by the way, my name is LaShondra, and I think we should stay together until the end of time!" With that we quickly developed our own secret handshake, and gave each other the password to both of our respective Facebook accounts. It seemed like we were just destined to be together after all.

We grew old together, we finish each others sentences now, we had a child together, she likes Jeopardy and I like porn, she votes Conservative and I throw a temper tantrum if she tries to get me to vote, she claims to hate eating lamb but little does she know that I put lamb in the chili every fucking time, she leaves clumps of hair in the toilet rather than putting it in the waste bin directly beside it and I don't do that, she listens to country and I like progressive-techno-trip-hop-ska, she can never decide what to order at the Tim Horton's drive-thru window and we both know she's going to get the exact same thing as last time, she only likes 'chick flicks' and I like movies with blood and explosions, she is fluent in four languages and I barely understand English, she likes working out all the time and I won't jog further than the fridge, and most importantly...she knows that we just go good together and so do I.

Helpful hint for the reader: Every time the man in this story speaks, try to read it in Morgan Freeman's voice, it makes him so much fucking cooler sounding.