THE SINGING PIGS

THE SINGING PIGS



A SHORT STORY BY CHARLES E.J. MOULTON





         “What? Singing pigs?”

         Laverne’s gaze projected not only surprise.

         It showed Rover that she thought Rover was putting her on.

         “It doesn’t matter how much your tail is wagging, Rover,” Laverne said. “Anyway, Cocker Spaniels and Poodles don’t mix. You don’t have to impress me with unbelievable stories.”

         Rover eyed heavenward and sighed.

         “I am telling you, Laverne,” Rover spat, wrinkling his nose, “I heard Joe and the other pigs singing.”

         Laverne, the pretty poodle raised her eyebrows and closed her eyes. “And what were they singing?”

         Laverne was bored, waiting for a reply.

         All she wanted was to finish her Chappi and go to bed.

         “They were singing I’ve Got A Loverly Bunch Of Coconuts.”

         There was a long pause. Laverne took a long look at Rover and then started laughing. To the farmer standing across the field hoeing onions, it sounded like a cat spitting furballs. To Rover, it sounded like heaven. Rover was in love.

         Rover would give anything to call Laverne his girlfriend.

         “I am serious. These pigs are really good singers.”

         “Okay, Rover,” Laverne said, tired of having to listen to Rover’s chatter. “Let’s go over and look.”

         Farmer Barnaby took a look at the two canines, put down his hoe and took off his cap. Seeing the two doggies wander off to the barn was like watching a mouse dancing the tango with an octopus. They looked like they were talking, but this was just an illusion. It had to be. Dogs don’t talk. Or do they?

The farmer sighed and shrugged his shoulders, continued his work and forgot about what he he seen.

Soon enough, though, Laverne and Rover were at the barn with their eyes wide open, their jaws down to the floor. There, in the barn, were the six local pigs actually singing I’ve Got A Loverly Bunch Of Coconuts and dancing a choreography to accompany their vocal expertise.

Laverne couldn’t believe her eyes. They were good. They were actually very, very good. “Wow,” she said. “These guys have a great future.”

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Joe, the biggest pig standing in the middle, stopped the singing short and waved his feet around, screaming: “No, no, no. If we want to achieve super stardom, we have to get this choreography right. It is not step, step, kick, plié, turn. It is step, kick, step, plié, turn. Stupid pig.”

Wallie, the youngest pig, shook his head. “I am not willing to work under these conditions, Joe. My agent said I should get another act to work with. I am beginning to believe him. Mean, mean, mean. You stink as a director. My grandma is a better director than you. Pigs know more about show-business.”

Joe sniggered. “Your agent. Oh, yeah? Who is your agent? The toothfairy?”

All the other pigs began laughing and Wallie and Joe laughed with them.

It was obvious that the entire scene had been an act.

“Okay, guys,” Joe laughed. “Let’s stop fooling around. We have work to do.”

“All right,” Wallie filled in. “Here we go. One, Two. Ah, One, Two, Three, Four ...”

And the two dogs heard the pigs singing, saw them dancing and something happened. Something extraordinary. Something ordinary. Something unusual. Something usual. Rover and Laverne fell in love. They looked at each other, sniffed each other’s noses and cuddled.

Right at that moment, Farmer Barnaby came in and witnessed the pigs singing and dancing. The sounds emanating from the farmer’s throat were nothing compared to the laughter that protruded from the farmer’s wife’s mouth.

Soon enough, executives from television stations and circus directors and movie producers and PR-managers and publicity agents and magazine journalists were there scratching their hooves and rubbing their paws. The farmer built a special house for the pigs on the lot and the NEW PIGS ON THE BLOCK became really famous, they released a record album named “YOU PIG – Songs from the Barn” and went on a world tour.

That didn’t matter to Laverne and Rover.

They had the barn to themselves.

And that was good.

After all, they needed the space for their eight little puppies.

These kids were really cute with long floppy, brown ears and white poodle tails.

Ever since the puppies had seen the pigs perform in the barn at a special appearance, they began practicing their favourite song: “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?”

But that is an entirely different story.