Life As We Know It.

The early morning sunlight rose without recognition, much like my life. If I could only have the courage to face my life I would see just how miserable I had become. It is so much easier to pretend that my marriage was great and that my husband’s acts of control and manipulation were in fact acts of love. But let’s face it, if you truly love someone then you do not go out of your way to break them down on a daily bases and then act as if you are doing them a favor.
The house is quiet and the kids are off to school. Reaching for my favorite coffee mug with the brown stripes and bold earth tones, coffee seems to be my one indulgences that I savor each morning when the rush to get the kids up and out the door is finally over. I can face the mornings much better with a cup of coffee. Reflecting back on the events of the past few days I can see now what I should have done a long time ago….
The phone rings and I know without looking who the caller is. Taking a deep breath I reach for the phone. Talking to my husband has become strained and something I dread. Where once I could not wait to talk to him I now know the outcome of nearly every conversation we are going to have. What are you doing? What are you doing that? Why do you do it like this? Why are you not doing this? You should have done this already. I feel as if nothing I do is right and no matter what I have done or I am fixing to do is enough. I am so tired of doing everything and yet he acts as if I do nothing all day long. It helps that he is working out of state now but make no mistake he still controls everything I do, even from hundreds of miles away. Take away the fact that yes, I allowed him to have this control over me. It developed over time. My losing my independence and self will. It started out slowly, just a few comments over time. A few fights over silly things. Like the time I moved the salt and pepper shaker or the time the boys broke a Styrofoam cooler. I should have seen it then, the anger and control that my husband excreted over his family all hidden under the pretence of love. If I had been stronger, if I had seen what I see now, would I have stayed as long as I did? At what cost was it worth staying when every day I walked on eggshells. Never know what would set him off and acting as a go between with the children. The silent whispers of “be good… he is in one of his moods today”. That is just wrong on so many levels. The lessons I was passing on to my children will go with them forever. The cycle of abuse and control may very well be passed on from one generation to the next and I am at fault for allowing it to go on.
Signs of abuse and control issues began shortly after the wedding vows were exchanged. With both of us bring small children into the marriage, it was easy to chalk something’s up to differences in child rearing but in fact it had nothing to do with the children and everything to do with power and insecurities, both his and mine. While it would be easy to place the blame squarely on his shoulders, the truth is I allowed him the control over me, for a person only has as much power over you, as you allow them to have.
Looking back I can see the mistakes I made and the person I wanted him to be were not in fact very realistic. Too many fairytales and movies allowed me to believe in a happy ever after. This time I am under no illusions as to how human nature really is and how I must take control of my own actions, feelings, and desires if I am ever to be happy again. While my innocents may be lost I am still optimistic that life is still an adventure worth putting all my heart and soul into. This is just a new chapter in my never ending story.
The stress from the ongoing divorce is noticeable in the little things. I am a lot quieter now, often reflecting on the past or worried about what he is going to start next. I do not understand how someone who claimes to love you can go out of their way to hurt you. Whule it was I who walked away from our marriage of 18 years I was more than fair in what I was willing to give up. Knowing how he feels about money and everything (he) worked for I made it (at least to ) as easy as I could for him to sign the divorce papers. I did not ask for the house or maintenance which I was entitled to nor did I ask for any other proberty cars, boats etc. than what I had already taken. In face a lot of the things that were mine I ended up walking away from because it caused him so much discomfort and stree, and in the end he still just wants to make things as hard on me as possible.