Stop, Look, and ... Read

Professor Archibald Bloom did not hear the blare of the six o’clock Via Rail passenger train on its way to Toronto. As the conductor would later explain to the police sergeant, “I seen de car about to cross the tracks an I blows me whistle. Instead of hearing the sound I seen dis big balloon float up and in de balloon I seen de words ‘WHOO WHOO’ spelled out -- just like in comic books.



Archibald Bloom was born with a unique talent, although some would have called it an affliction. Nature had endowed Archibald with hearing so acute that he could hear a marshmallow fall to the floor two rooms away. To Archibald, normal sound was painful. He liked to compare silence to a breath of fresh air on a sultry summer night. Nature had provided him with ears to match his talent. As a child he was made to wear earmuffs the size of two cushions whenever he left the house; this strange headgear caused his schoolmates to give him the sobriquet ‘Muffin head’. It hadn’t helped matters that his mother had embroidered ‘left’ and ‘right’ on alternate cushions.

Unencumbered by the distractions of an active social life, he was free to indulge his passion for the science of acoustics for which he obtained a doctorate in physics. Much of his research had required the use of an anechoic chamber (it is said that one can hear ones heartbeat in such a room). to Archibald, retiring to the chamber was like returning to the womb. And so, Archibald settled into the comfortable and sedate university life of teaching and research, devoting every spare minute to finding a way to eradicate sound altogether.

“What do you call it?” whispered Peter Porter, Archibald’s friend and drinking buddy. Peter always whispered when in Archibald’s presence.

“Atonecron,” said Archibald, caressing a black crystal-like device in the palm of his hand.

“What does it do?”

“It absorbs all the sound around it for a hundred yards and projects a holographic bubble in the air; the words one voices are displayed within the bubble. Here let me show you.” Archibald pressed a button on the side of the device. His lips moved, but no sound came out. A holographic bubble appeared above his head and displayed – SEE WHAT I MEAN.

‘WOW!’ spelled the bubble above Peter.

“I’ve also programmed my Atonecron to display onomatopoeia. Watch!” Archibald pressed the button once more; picked up a beaker from the counter and threw it violently to the floor. A holographic bubble rose from the floor and displayed – CRASH, TINKLE, TINKLE.



Jim Fleischman of the Gazette, in an article titled ‘Sweet Silence’, reported that Archibald’s demonstration of the device had been received with considerable enthusiasm by Canadian Acoustics Institute. However, as a result of the professor’s recent encounter with Via Rail, the railway is considering changing all railroad crossing signs to STOP, LOOK AND – READ.