Chapter 8

Waking up feeling a little disorientated, I looked around trying to get my bearings. I saw Tracy sitting in a hideous looking chair reading a book. “Tracy?” I croaked.

She jumped up out of the chair coming over to where I was laying. “About time you woke up mister lazy bones,” she said smiling down at me. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a Mack truck. And can you get me some water hun?”

“Not quite that big. But you did get rammed by some young punk kid driving his new BMW birthday present from what I heard. What, is your arm broken and you can’t get it yourself? Oh wait, it is. Guess I can help just this once, lazy.” She says jokingly as she poured me a cup of water.

Taking the cup from her hand I looked at her, “Thanks. How bad was it?” I ask shaking, not wanting to know but needing to know just the same.

“Whiplash, small concussion, a shitload of bruises and three cracked ribs are the minor injuries. The major injury, the reason you needed surgery, was the break in your left arm, one of the bones came through the skin. You’re now the proud owner of two pins and a rod. A real bionic man now," she informed me in a shaky voice.

“We almost lost you. One of the officers said that if either you or the kid had been 2 seconds off in your driving, you…, you…, you wouldn’t be here right now.” Tracy said,
doing her best holding back her tears.

I saw she was having a hard time controlling her emotions. I had to applaud her for taking this the way she was. On the one hand she's making a joke of my injuries and now she's so vulnerable. I'd give her a hug if I was able to, but I just felt numb, no pain or anything. Must be some damn good shit they’re giving me I don’t feel any of that. Laying there letting it all sink in, I asked, “And the kid?”

“Well you’ve heard of BMW safety standards. Tom said both him and his passenger seemed fine and refused treatment but they will probably have some chest bruising from the seat belts. And he broke the phone he was texting on when he hit you.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, “Good, I’m glad they are ok. Too bad about his damn phone.”

Tracy started to laugh wiping away her tears, “Only you would find relief in finding out that the guy who almost killed you was ok, but glad his phone was destroyed in the accident. Now that the bad stuff is outta the way, you gonna tell me about her? And don’t think I won’t hold you to the lunch date you made with me and the girls.”

Remembering all the emails that we exchanged brought a smile to my face. I can see that Tracy is raising an eyebrow slightly, noticing my smile and I started to tell my story.

“I met her online a while back. Just one of those random meetings where I was looking for somebody to chat with. We gotta talkin’ about each other and we realized that we had a lot in common.”

Tracy just sat there watching me, “In all your emails how much do you two know about each other? Do you know each other names? Is she married? Have you told her about your painful past?”

Only Tracy would ever dare bring up the suffering I was put through. “No, have no clue, and no I haven’t told her. Wait there’s more. The last few emails have been getting more into sexual role playing.”

“Oh really? As in you guys were having cyber sex or something else?” She asked sitting there with an odd smile on her face.

“Not quite that far yet, but they started to get provocative in nature, from both ends. And lately my thoughts have been focused on her as a person, not as a cyber persona.” I sighed and let out.

“Wow!” she exclaimed, “but I know you dear. You’re holding something back, what did you do?”

Damn she knows me to well. “Yeah, a couple days ago I responded to the sex email we have going on, and at the end I let it slip I wished she was here in Georgia.”

“I’m scared Tracy. We normally replied to each other within a day. But it’s been a couple of days since I sent the last one. I don’t know if I scared her off or if something happened to her and I’m worried.” I informed her shaking.

“Dan, I don’t know what to say. You don’t know much about her but yet I haven’t seen you act like this since Becky. SHIT, sorry Dan, I didn’t mean to bring that up. I know how you are about that subject”

“It’s ok sexy. I’m trying not to let my past get to me anymore, that’s why it’s called the past.”

Tracy looks over at me giving me a joyful look, “What are you going to do?”

“I have no idea, absolutely no clue.” I said staring out the window.

---------------

What am I gonna do? I sat there, staring at my laptop as though it would lead me to an epiphany. It didn't. How long am I going to sit here staring at this empty screen?

I hadn't heard back from him since his last email and I hadn't figured out what I was going to say in response. I didn't want to talk to Tom about it anymore because he was worried about his friend. I wish I could just go back in time and introduce myself as what I really am.

My fingers absently clicked the keys while my mind wandered.

"Hi, my name is Raven and I'm a nerdy, single woman who lives alone and talks to herself. What do you want from me?"

I stared at the words on the screen, feeling depressed and isolated. That's me, the real me. I'm not the electronic vixen that you're looking for. I let out a frustrated sigh and scratched my scalp with both hands. Why did I do this? Why did I create this fantasy? I'm real with real flaws and he'll expect some perfect woman with perfect breasts, perfect skin, perfect arms and legs with a perfect ass, who's only goal in life is to screw his brains out.

I made myself sick at the thought of it. He doesn't want the real me. He just wants to get off.

I deleted the lines that I had written and closed the laptop. I was angry at myself and I was even more angry that there was no one to blame but me. I created this situation. But I had real feelings. I didn't just think of him as a sexual conquest. I wanted to know him, to learn all of his quirks and... My own thoughts betrayed me and I needed to get out of the house and away from my own self-doubt.

I decided to go for a run to clear my head a little. As I laced up my running shoes, my mind was already back to him. Damn it! Why couldn't I have a name? I put my house key in my pocket and grabbed my iPod. I selected the track list that I made for my runs and stretched a little before taking off down the sidewalk.

You should have known better. You are looking for more than just sex and you have some guy out there thinking that he's gonna score with some online freak. My feet against the pavement created a steady, rhythmic symphony to serve as the backdrop for my discontent.

He's probably not even single. Or he's probably some creep that you'd never even speak to in real life. A sickening thought entered my head and I nearly tripped over my own feet as it forced its way to the front of my mind. What if he's Arnie!? Shit! I bet it is him! I could have died in that moment.

I pushed myself to run even faster, away from my thoughts and away from the possibility that Arnie was stalking me online. You know it's not Arnie. That little voice in my head seemed even smaller in that moment, but I listened to it. Arnie wouldn't know how to carry on the conversations you had in the beginning.

I had to admit, that little voice had a point. You like him. Stop trying to make up reasons to avoid it. Since when did I talk to myself like that? Again, the voice was right and I tried to think about what to do next.

I could take this slower. I could see what he really wants. It'll hurt if all he's after is sex, but at least I'll know where I stand and I can move on. It wasn't the words that he'd used. It was the not knowing his motivations or more about him that was driving me to distraction.

I ran for a few more miles, thinking of how I wanted to respond to him before it finally came to me. I had convinced myself that I didn't want to give up just yet and that I wanted to give him the opportunity to show me a bit more of what he was looking for.

By the time I got back home, I was exhausted. I showered quickly and grabbed something to eat. Sitting back down on my bed, I could feel the tell tale sensation of a Charlie Horse sneaking into my muscles. I stretched them out and began to massage and knead my calves, hoping to keep the pain and spasms at bay. This is when it'd be nice to have you here.

I sighed at my own thoughts. You've completely fallen for the man who has no name.

When my legs felt better, I opened the laptop and pulled up my email. I was surprised to find one from Tom.

**********
Raven,

I know you're still trying to figure things out but I wanted you to know that no matter what you decide, I'm always here for you. I just want you to be happy and seeing you so upset bothers me. I love you like my own sister and I'd do anything for you.

That includes beating your ass for making me go all soft like a Hallmark card and sending you this damned email!

Call me if you need anything,
Tom
**********

I couldn't believe what I was reading. Tom managed to surprise me, make me feel better, make me cry and make me laugh all at once. He meant it. No matter what happens, he'll always be there for me.

I sent him a quick reply, thanking him and threatening to forward his message to everyone in the station. That'll earn me a headlock at the very least! I laughed as my mind recalled the easy nature of our friendship.

Without knowing it, Tom had relaxed me and gave me the support I needed and the gentle push to make a decision. So I started writing.

**********
Highlander35,

It's weird to write that as your name after the way we've talked. I'm sure you can guess my name, but what's yours?

**********

I stared at the screen, completely unsure of what to say next.

What part of Georgia do you live in? No, that's too forward.

I do live in Georgia. Hmm, better, but don't sound too desperate.

Your last message said that you live in Georgia. I live in Georgia too. Not too forward, not too desperate. This works!

I'm curious to learn a little more about you. Can you tell me more about yourself? Are you single? Easy there! Don't just blurt it out!

What made you start chatting with me? Bingo!

I've enjoyed our exchanges and after reading your last email, I just wanted to clear a few things up in my mind. So what's your story in a nutshell? What are you looking for from our future messages? Not bad, not great, but not bad.

I read the words over and over, analyzing and reading between the lines. Just send the damned thing!

**********
Highlander35,

It's weird to write that as your name after the way we've talked. I'm sure you can guess my name, but what's yours?

Your last message said that you live in Georgia. I live in Georgia too.

I'm curious to learn a little more about you. Can you tell me more about yourself? What made you start chatting with me?

I've enjoyed our exchanges and after reading your last email, I just wanted to clear a few things up in my mind. So what's your story in a nutshell? What are you looking for from our future messages?

Raven

**********

Well, if this doesn't scare him away, nothing will. But at least I'll know. I can finally deal with these strong feelings if he replies and breaks my heart.