a sailors dilemma

A man stands at the railing of a steaming ship. Looking off the stern at a blood red setting sun surrounded by an azure sky dotted with white puffy clouds. he sees the fading rays of the sun bouncing off the waves. Sees the light sparkling off them like a million diamonds. The darker blue of the ocean soaking up the scene reflected in it. His eyes see all this as they have seen it a thousand times before. Always he has thanked who ever is listening to such men for the scene. For the opportunity to be out here in a world that most will never see. For a life that allows him to witness beauty as it was meant to be.
Not today. Today this panorama is seen by his eyes yet it doesn't touch his mind. Doesn't touch his lips in the usual smile. He looks over the edge of the railing. Past it to the oceans surface, white and frothy with the prop wash caused by the powerful vessel. Looks past this and into the depths of the ocean. His eyes cant see past the surface so his mind takes over. Takes him on a journey far below. Deeper and deeper he settles into its cold embrace. His mind sees the countless men that have come to call this there resting place. Passes them on his way deeper to a land strange to man. The darkness engulfs him now, total and complete in its lack of sight. In his mind he floats there, blind and numb.
Now the questions start. Is this the way it was meant to be? Is this the way it ends? Is this better than the pain and anguish of a life gone wrong? The questions, always the questions. Never the answers. Never those. No one seems to have them. no one seems to even care if they are answered. Another question. Is that the hell of it, no one cares to answer them?
His life begins to play in his mind now. Like a movie picture that a novice has pieced together. In disjointed bits and pieces he sees flashes of memories. The feeling each elicit from him run the gambit of human emotion. The joy of seeing a son born. The sadness of losing a mother that was a saint in his eyes. All the good things he has done in his life. followed immediately by what some would consider atrocities. He can feel each one of them and feel the effect they have on him. Smiling one second as he watches himself give an old starving woman money for food. Tears streaming down his face as he remembers a friend hurt that he never even went to see.
More questions. What makes a good man? Is it his actions? His thoughts? What is it that god looks at when you finally meet him face to face? He doesn't know, no one knows. They say they do. They say follow the rules. Follow the book and it will show you the way. Another question. What if that isn't your way? Does god just turn his back on you and leave you to Lucifer for his pleasure.
It all seems too much. One question just begetting another. Is the world better off with him or with out him? Does any one really care. Does it matter at all in the end? Too many questions.
This isn't the first time these questions have come to him. Have had him standing at this same railing. Looking down into this same cold sea. This time is different though. Different in that he is considering actually finding out for the first time. It would be simple, so simple. Lift one leg over the railing. Then the other. Pause for a split second and step off into space. A quick cold splash and it would begin. Watch as the ship sailed off. Feel himself bob in the ships wake. See it get smaller with distance till there was nothing to see but the ocean swells around him. Feel the waters close about his head as he settled into its depths. Feel his lungs burn from the lack of life giving air. Then he would be here. Here where is mind is at now.
So many questions.
In his mind his life comes to its conclusion. Comes to the place he is at now. There is no more. No more because it hasn't happened yet or because there will be no more to happen. Now comes the hardest question of all. Does he turn and go back to his room as he has always done before or step over the railing? The darkness surrounding his mind is complete. The lack of answers just as complete.
His mind mulling over this final question he sees a dim light. A dim light in a place that is impossible for light to be. Curiously he watches it. Watches as it imperceptibly brightens. Slowly coming closer till the darkness runs from it and it engulfs him. A brightness to match any darkness his mind has ever perceived. A form begins to materialize. Slowly coming to focus out of the warm embrace of the light. The figure of a woman, a woman whos beauty matches anything god has ever created. A woman of alabaster skin as smooth as the beaches of a foreign shore. Hair of golden silk flowing down her shoulders and bobbing in the gentle current of an unforgiving ocean. Eyes of a blue to match the clearest of skys after a summers rain. And the smile. Oh the smile. So warm, so friendly and compassionate. He realizes the glow doesn't come from around her but from with in. from a goodness inside her that makes all the darkness in his soul flee as the darkness about him has fled.
She reaches a perfect hand to him. Beckoning him to take it in a life saving embrace. Thoughts of an imperfect world intrude into his mind. Keep his hand by his side. Then that smile, oh that smile widens and he can no longer resist. He reaches out, takes that perfect hand in his. At the moment they touch, that they embrace each other he knows. He knows deep in his soul that it is not his time. That he has much more to do in this life. that all the perceived problems, all the perceived troubles that life has thrown at him pale in comparison to what awaits him. Patience. Patience and perseverance is what it will take. This goddess has given him that strength. Strength of knowing he doesn't walk alone in this madness called life.
Slowly his eyes open. The lovely vision fades from his minds eye as the real world seeps in. he sees the last of the setting sun. magnificent in its glory. Feels it touch his mind like it used to do. Feels his lips curl in a smile as it has in the past. He knows now that this is the last time he will be standing by this railing. Standing here pondering questions with out answers.
He turns just as the sun disappears beyond a horizon he has yet to explore. Explore it he will, he knows that now. There is too much adventure yet to experience in life. too many things to see. She has shown him this with just a touch. A touch and a smile. He makes his way back to his room. A lightness in his step that has been missing for far too long. A smile on his lips that almost seems foreign yet fits there so perfectly. As he lays back on his rack he knows his vision is out there for him. Knows that she will be with him always. If not physically then in his mind and that the darkness will never touch him again.
There is one final question that creeps into his mind as he drifts off to sleep.
Why am I so lucky?