Journal Entries - Feb. 2011

02-13-11 Sunday

The timing was just unbelievable. And as I gulped my own heart back down from my throat, as you told me everything I’d ever wished you’d say all at once, I really knew then that it would still be awhile before you’d be strong enough to sort out what you could realistically follow through on. And while I kept finding myself at a loss for words then, on the phone with you a week ago, I’ve had enough time by now to be knocked down several times over by all my waves of ramblings… but with nowhere for most of them to go. Because it’s just the nature of love to be everything and nothing all at once… as you take it for granted while it ungraciously splits your soul.

Can’t fault you for loving her. Can’t fault you for not knowing just what you were doing and how it all is supposed to work best. Not that I even know. But just that you haven’t been there and back with quite as many as I have, from what I understand. Naturally the next one after the “evil wife” was going to take your heart. But you sure did give it away easily, didn’t you. And as always – why is it so easy for you to give away to “everyone else,” but not to me… even as you tell me how much you always did love me too.

Looking at my little black and white pictures in the yearbook for years afterwards, and missing me – did you really do that, too?? Hard to believe you couldn’t just stand up for what you knew inside to be true so long ago. You said you were so sorry for hurting me – that’s the first time you’ve ever really said it like that… it melted me. Made it so much easier to take, after all this time. I know you wouldn’t hurt me now… on purpose… truly didn’t mean to back then. But – you did hurt me. You are hurting me right now. How can you call me, want me to come out there so far away to see you now after “she’s” gone… and then today, still be missing her? Because it’s only been a week, right… and you called me the day she left, needing a friend. But we’ve never only been “just friends.” So naturally there was going to be some cross-over… just wish you could have a better way of moderating yourself, so that I didn’t have to do it so much. I can be that “friend,” sure… but God… can’t help that I have feelings, too. Can’t help that my feelings for you are so old and so deep.

Trying hard to give you the time you now have realized you need. Even though it’s about to kill me in the process… well, maybe not quite so much now as in times before. Maybe just because I sorta know what to expect from you now… and it’s not all bad. Just to me, since it’s been SOOO LONG – it feels like a slow and painful torture.

Part of me just wants to hate you right now, too… because how did you NOT expect me to feel this way?? Or maybe you just expected me to deal with it again… I don’t know.


02-19-11 Saturday

Fuck you. Just like that. But honestly, what did I really figure would happen, considering our history… how many times you’ve done this to me in the past, how many times I’ve dealt with it, given a good reason for it, and gone on. But not this time. Although I still don’t “hate” you, but I almost wish I did… wish I could. What I realize now, though, is just how troubled you really are… how unstable… and it’s really sad. Sad because I wanted to believe you came out of what you did as a child, less scarred than you truly are… sad that you didn’t… sad that I know you’re scared and hurting inside. But you block it, when you want to, so efficiently… you pull me in, need me – then shut me back out. Apparently this will continue if I let it – this has been our pattern… You can’t have it both ways, although when you are desperate, of course you will try, not even seeing that you are. But… it is sad for me to reach this place with you once more, and to know, in myself, that it probably isn’t ever going to change. Not unless you wanted to see that it needed changing, and were willing to make the effort… and I really don’t think you are willing to go there.

And somehow, especially, not with me… not after this last time here… not after I can see now how you have strangely (but not so) grouped me in with the people and thought processes from your past that deeply elicit one powerful subconscious response from you – resist!! Makes sense in a sad, old sort of way. My presence takes you both to a soothing and open place in your mind, and also to an ancient graveyard of sorts that has been walled off from yourself, and from the rest of humanity, as well…