Nice Work if you can get it

How do you go about getting a job on the International Olympic Committee? I want to be one of those fellas who travels the globe in style, getting pampered by chambers of commerce, staying in luxury hotels, and being led about town in a police-guided motorcade, from cultural event to cultural event, from restaurant to restaurant, from VIP appointment to VIP appointment.

I've never understood this whole process, anyway: these "competitors" for hosting the Olympic games are huge, well-known cities, after all. What information can the municipal boosters possibly give the committee that's not already in the public domain? (except maybe the size of the caviar platters with which they intend to regale committee members upon their arrival in the proposed venue).

Official 1: Joe, we just got a call from a city called 'New York'; apparently they'd like to host the 2012 summer games.

Official 2: Them and a thousand other cities, Bill -- but go ahead and send a team out there to find out what the city's like : you never know.

The temptation for influence-peddling in the subsequent promotional campaigns is all-too-well documented, after the IOC's recent legal troubles.          

In fact, if you want to see an extemporaneous reenactment of Gogol's "Inspector General," just follow the Chamber of Commerce around in your hometown as they try to ingratiate themselves with the (presumably) haughty IOC official:

Official: Ahem, Gentlemen, I understand that -- ahem, ahem -- your town feels it's worthy to host our Olympic Games -- ahem, ahem.

City Rep: Why, yes, your Excellency. I make so bold as to suggest that --

Official: Silence! You will suggest nothing! I must see for myself. Bell-boy, pack up that caviar and bring me my walking cane -- I shall accompany these 'gentlemen' on a tour of their town -- NO! Not that wooden cane, you idiot, the golden one!

And then, after I've had three days' worth of Thanksgiving dinners and broadway plays and call girls (or whatever), I'd meet the Chamber in the lobby upon checking out from my 5-star penthouse:

Official: Thank you for your courtesy, Gentlemen; you have an excellent town here in -- what did you call it, New York City? In any case, I will be filing a most positive report to the Committee. Good day, Gentlemen.

City Rep: Pray, my good sir, accept this little token of our appreciation for your visit.

whereupon the officious welcoming committee presents me with a bronze thank-you plaque, which I politely turn down:

Official: No, Gentlemen, that might have the appearance of a bribe, which, of course, we are all far above that. Mind you, I can't stop you from anonymously contributing to my son's college savings with Merchant's Bank -- account number 3418-9-120. And should my sister Elma vacation here next summer, I'd be powerless to prevent you from leasing her the suite I just vacated on very favorable terms, indeed.

City Rep: Very good, your Excellency. Thank you, your Excellency.