Bad Ass Turkey

This recipe has been in my family for a generation. That's it, one generation. Actually, not even that long, but it's one that will surely please anyone who uses it.


Recipe from a place where no one goes as most people fear to tread, deep down inside the brain of:

Martin Zepeda


The hardest part about Thanksgiving is hunting wild turkeys. Identifying a wild turkey is always important, and if you don't know what to look for it makes it hard to hunt.

Like most birds and certain humans, males are prettier for a few reasons, one of which is that God made them that way, and that's all you need to know. Accept it, God got it right so don't even ask why. I said don't, hush please.


Most of the time I like to use bait rather than shooting turkeys, as shooting is always very messy. The best bait to use is in liquid form, sold in liquor stores through the country, you will recognize it by the turkey on the label. Should you not be able to find it, any bottle found at any liquor store will work.

Keep in mind wild turkey bait can be tricky to use, therefore you must drink some yourself to make sure it's not spoiled or a bad batch. Share with friends, wife, lovers, friends of lovers, lovers of friends, wife's lovers, wives of friends, wife and lovers, or any combination thereof and anyone willing to listen to your drunken slurs in the woods.

After you have caught your turkey you need to choke it as you would a chicken, by grabbing the neck and twist while pulling. That always works for me.


Once you have mastered the catch and choke method, you are ready to remove the feathers from the turkey. That works best by having someone else do it for you, so hire someone by going to your neighborhood 7-11 convenience store's parking lot to hire a day laborer and pay them $120 to do it for you. While they're at it, have them gut it so it's ready for you to cook. You don't want to do that while nursing a hangover anyway.

Here is the recipe you've been waiting for:

In a bowl, mix the following:

Italian seasoning
garlic powder
onion powder
cumin
celery seed
bay leaves
pepper
salt


Feel free to add anything in your cupboard you feel will taste yummy. One thing about cooking is that you can mix and match cultures, tastes, and remember that anything goes. The sky's the limit when it comes to mixing spices in food.

Mix dry ingredients with your fingers and place to one side

Add a spoon of flour to a large oven bag and shake a few minutes until most of the flour has landed all over your face, floor, and kitchen counter. Place another spoon of flour, this time hold the bad closed with your hands and shake to distribute the flour throughout the bag

Place bag in roast pan

Place turkey breast side down (trust me, I know what I'm doing)

Add the following wet ingredients to turkey inside bag:

1 12 oz bottle of dark beer. Stay thirsty my friend
12 ounces of orange juice, such as orange juice
6 ounces of tomato juice or vegetable juice cocktail

Swish wet ingredients around inside the bag to ensure wetness is well distributed throughout turkey

Add the dry ingredients to wet turkey with your hand, rubbing dry ingredients all over the turkey. Yes it's messy but it's well worth it

Place turkey in fridge for 12 hours to marinate

Doing all that work can be exhausting, and you have worked up a wild thirst. What better product to quench that thirst than a spiked sports drink, found only at your local liquor store. Go ahead and quench your thirst to your heart's content, and polish off the last of the wild turkey bait that may be left in the bottle. If bottle is empty you didn't buy a big enough bottle, so you will need to run to the store to buy more. Do it right this time and buy in bulk. Barrels work in my house.

After 12 hours have past, turn turkey over so the pop up button on breast is facing up

Place back in fridge for another 12 hours

If you bought a big enough bottle of turkey bait, you will want to finish it at this time. You will find that you will want to get friendly with your loved one, or anyone else who may be in the room with you. You will also find that your loved one, or anyone else who may be in the room with you, will want to take advantage of you because of your present state of weakness. Let your mate do whatever is necessary to keep the love alive. Let's face it, we're not getting any younger and it would be difficult to start dating this late in the game. We wouldn't know what to do in the new age of dating anyway, so have at and go with the flow. That and your motor skills are nowhere near what is needed to fight off anyone anyway.


Preheat oven to 350°, place turkey in oven and cook following weight cooking chart - for 14 lbs turkey should be at 350° for 3 to 3½ hours. The temperature of the turkey should be about 180° when fully cooked

Let turkey rest for about 15 minutes or so

While turkey rests, strain meat drippings into a saucepan and heat to almost a boil. In a small mixing bowl filled to about half with cold water, add 2 teaspoons of corn starch and stir so all of the corn starch has dissolved. Add to hot drippings while stirring to make sure all is dissolved into drippings without lumps until thickened. That's your gravy, which is better than any gravy you have ever tasted in your life.

That's it, you are now ready to enjoy the turkey, so sit at the table with your family and enjoy the meal you created. Eat as much as you want, you've worked up a big appetite.