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The thoughts that go through our minds as we tackle an examination. |
I am so effing tired God why did I stay up all night watching Sex and the city Damn you Sarah Jessica Parker and your hilarious mishaps I wonder if she’ll ever catch a break And that Samantha, Wowzers! Is there anything she won’t do? Come on man concentrate! You’ve been staring at the same question for 20 minutes now! But at least I was able to name every character from Glee in that time Time well spent Ooh I hope there’s a question on Glee! I wish real life was like an episode of Glee, Minus the whole Teen pregnancy and the other general drama Then we could all just, like spontaneously burst into song That would be so awesome!! I wonder what would happen if I was to start singing right now? Would the rest join in? There’s only one way to find out CONCENTRATE!! Come on man! This is a really important exam! If you don’t pass this You might end up like old man Peters The grumpy hobo who lives down at the Junkyard, Although it would be pretty coolio to live at the Junkyard I could yell at punk kids for playing in my yard, cos I’m mean and stuff ‘Hey, hey… those be my discarded banana peels! Mine!’ And then they’d run away And I’d be all like “Yeah you better run! I am the junk king!” ARRGH CONCENTRATE!! Yes, yes exam Ok Question 1 “How important are elections in a democratic society?” Wow... ok Erm… well… elections erm… are important because… Erm… without an election a woman can’t get pregnant… Yeah that sounds right Thank goodness I saw that documentary On where babies come from… It’s strange, I always thought Vagina was a Japanese car manufacturer Ok next question I am on a roll! ‘Julie buys a cake and divides it into 13 equal pieces Julie takes 2 pieces, while Rosie takes 11’ Jeez Greedy bitch! Eat much? ‘What fraction of the cake does Rosie take?’ Ya know what I think the question should have been, What is the probability that Rosie is morbidly obese? Or even better What fraction of Rosie’s overall body mass is fat? Well, well… I should have known fractions would show up at some point My old foe We meet again! A rivalry which eclipses that of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty Superman and Lex Luther Sigourney Weaver and those pissed off aliens And even the greatest of rivalries… Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan! When are those two gonna get along? I mean big deal, you dated the same guy God get over it! I once knew someone who was dating someone But they were dating someone else at the same time And that person was like already dating some other person And that other person was two timing on another person And that person was dating a monkey… So yeah… It was like a crazy love triangle but it was more like a love… hexagon… …Ok I’ve completely forgotten what I was thinking about before Was it Cher? No, no it was Fractions! Shakes fist! Although Cher is Chertastic ‘Do you believe in life after love?’ Awesome! As soon as I get home… I’m getting’ my Cher groove on! Might even get the wig out … What am I thinking? of course I’m getting the wig out Ok back to the test What? Am I still on the fractions questions? God I hate you fractions! You suck! You suck! you suck! What is the point of them? No one understands them 7 out of 4 people can’t even do fractions anyway So why don’t we just abolish them Like we abolished Tom Sellick’s moustache Even better lets just abolish maths all together I mean all I remember from Maths lessons Is how to write Boobies on a calculator God, please let there be a question On how to write boobies on a calculator! Do you know what? I’m gonna guess Using my immense guesstimation skills I mean I did correctly guess the real age of Frankie Muniz 43 Ok I’m gonna say the answer is… Erm… 3 er.. with a little line underneath it, with a 7 underneath that… With… erm… one of those division sign things below that And a letter Q beside that Oh and the McDonalds logo above the 3 Yeah! That looks like the answer a real mathematician would give! I wonder if I’d have paid more attention in class Instead of staring at Lucy’s super awesome boobies, I would have been a slightly more capable of answering this question And pretty much any other Maths question for that matter… … aww boobies I wonder why there’s so many different names for boobies? I mean there’s Boobs, breasts, bosoms, breasticles, chesticles, jugs, thingamajugs honkers, knockers, bazungers, bazoomas, Kerplunk, Jenga, Buckaroo, Monopoly, Yahtzee… Wait, no, those are board games Bridget Jones’ diary, Down with love? No those are Renee Zellwegger films Although Zellwegger is another name for boobies I wonder what ever happened to Renee Zellwegger? You don’t see her much these days …And her incredibly husky voice I wish I had a husky voice Cos then I could like Go into a bar and order a beer or a cosmopolitan Like a tough husky voiced man Instead of my normal high pitched girly voice Then they’d serve me! … I guess it would probably help if I could see over the counter as well though Damn you puberty! But then again Tom Cruise always gets served and he’s like 5 foot And that’s even when he’s on tip toes Which is like… all the time I wonder what his secret is? Charisma?… or maybe a Fake moustache! That’s it! … Ok back to the exam Question 3 “Who was the first astronaut to walk on the moon?” I know this one!! Ok it’s something Armstrong Now which one is it? Is it Louis Armstrong? Or Neil Armstrong? Arrgh! I always get this mixed up! But at least I don’t confuse him with Lance Armstrong Like some people do I mean how stupid do you have to be? Everybody knows that he’s that trumpet guy! That’s it! Lance Armstrong rocks out on the trumpet Neil Armstrong is a 7 time Tour de France winner And Louis Armstrong was the first person to walk on the mother-fudging moon Hells yeah!! Miss Marple eat your heart out That’s how we answer an exam question in my neighbourhood, Biatch! Do I need to show my workings? I’ll show them anyway Stop writing now please, put down your pens, close your answer book and sit quietly while your papers are collected What? Already? But it’s only been… an hour?! I only answered three questions! Three!! There are more police academy films than that! My parents are gonna kill me! Oh well On the up side ‘I am the Junk King’ |