Away With The Fairies: Episode 1

Away With The Fairies
Episode 1: Friends Reunited


SCENE 1. INT. NICELY DECORATED FLAT. DAY

ALEX’S GIRLFRIEND SARAH IS CLEANING HER FLAT. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

SARAH
Come in

ALEX BOUNDS THROUGH THE DOOR LIKE AN EXCITED PUPPY.

ALEX (excitedly)
Hello Sarah, my love!

HE HUGS AND KISSES HER. SHE PUSHES HIM OFF.

SARAH (with frustration)
Please Alex, sit down. We need to talk.

THEY BOTH SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA. ALEX HAS A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.

ALEX
Of course baby, we can talk about whatever you want. As long as I can hear your beautiful voice I don’t mind.

SARAH
Well...that’s very kind and sweet of you Alex but I’m afraid. Well I don’t know how to say this but...I’ve found someone else.

ALEX LOOKS WITH DISBELIEF

ALEX
What?

HE LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AS IF IT’S A JOKE


ALEX
You’re kidding right? Is this one of your deadpan jokes like that one about the dead baby...because I liked those jokes, please tell me this is a joke Sarah. Please.


SARAH
It’s not a joke Alex. It’s not you it’s me...

ALEX (interrupting)
But...

SARAH TRIES TO ASSERT HER AUTHORITY

SARAH
Just listen. Don’t get me wrong I think you’re a nice guy and sweet but I’m just not sure we’re right for each other.

ALEX
What do you mean? We went to that play together last week, you know the one were all the cast were prisoners. You enjoyed that, didn’t you?

SARAH
It wasn’t that great

ALEX
Well I thought that biker guy was great as the Queen of Hearts. You could really feel his anger at that lesbian murderer as Alice.

SARAH
Look, His name’s Jamie. I met him at my yoga class. He’s a really cool and nice guy and he’s interested in all the things I like. I mean, he likes French literature, yoga. He’s a buddhist as well.

ALEX TURNS ANGRY

ALEX
Oh of course he is. Those types are always like that. I bet he’s a veggie as well and has his own fucking espresso machine.

SARAH
Well, as a matter of fact he does and he’s vegan but that’s not the point. It’s just...he’s more...cultured than you.

ALEX
I can do culture. Remember when I took you to that wildlife photography exhibition and remember that banksy I found.

SARAH
I’m pretty sure banksy doesn’t draw penises on tory election posters Alex.

ALEX (interrupting)
What job does this bastard have anyway? I bet he’s in a band or something.

SARAH
He’s a graphic designer and he plays the piano. But...

ALEX
That’s not even a real job and anyone who plays the piano is.... I don’t know but he’s still a twat.

SARAH
I can’t do this Alex. Sometimes you can be the nicest guy in the world and then at other times you become this hate filled, cynical aggressive prick.

ALEX
I can’t help myself...

SARAH
Well I’ve moved on now, and so should you. We’ve drifted apart like tectonic plates and it’s best that we just end it now before it turns into an earthquake.

ALEX PAUSES FOR A MINUTE AND LOOKS DOWN AS IF TO SAY YOU’RE RIGHT. HE BEGINS TO WALK TO THE DOOR AND TURNS ROUND.

ALEX
You don’t get earthquakes on constructive plate boundaries anyway. We should be like a destructive boundary

HE MESHES HIS FINGERS TOGETHER

ALEX
Then we can erupt and burn with passion.

SARAH
Just go Alex

ALEX REALISES HE’S BEEN DEFEATED AND LEAVES



2 DAYS LATER

SCENE 2. INT. MEETING ROOM. DAY

ALEX IS SITTING DISHEVELED IN A MEETING ROOM WITH SEVERAL EXECUTIVES. THE BOSS IS GIVING A PRESENTATION.

BOSS (to the group)
This business is like a penis. It keeps growing and growing until we ejaculate out so much insurance that the little old ladies asking for home insurance are covered in money semen. However

HE FLIPS OVER ANOTHER SHEET OF PAPER AND DRAWS A FLACCID PENIS

BOSS
At the moment our business is floppy, it still works but it doesn’t have the same amount of thrust as it did. We need viagra to get this business going and guess who the viagra is? You. The staff together we can make this business the best in the world. We can do it!

THE GROUP REPLY “YES” AND CLAP HIM. ALEX GIVES THE BOSS THE MIDDLE FINGER

BOSS
Right now Alex is going to give his presentation on how we can improve our motivation and dedication.

ALEX SITS TO ATTENTION

ALEX
What?

BOSS
Your presentation? Remember? Go on...

ALEX
Right...

ALEX GOES OVER TO THE FLIP BOARD



ALEX
Well to be frank I haven’t got a presentation. But who the fuck cares?

ALEX STANDS ON THE TABLE

ALEX
Ha, look at you all. Grey suited secretary fucking twats and you know what. Fuck you all. I couldn’t care less about this poxy business’s motivation or dedication. For all I care all of you could be replaced by monkeys and this shitty business wouldn’t be any worse off. I am fed up with this world, maybe I can find a balloon and fly all over the world and find some magical island populated by talking frogs and naked women. Yeah that’s right. I’m moving on, I’m leaving this dump and I’m going to find a new life. I could become whoever I fucking well want and you know what? I’m gonna enjoy it, I’m gonna get a girlfriend and have crazy explorational sex with telephones and those little forks you get at the chip shop and then I’ll have a kid and call it Rambo and I’m gonna fuck you all up you wankers!

HE STARTS KICKING PAPER OFF THE DESK AND LAUGHING MANICALLY

THE BOSS CALLS SECURITY IN AND THEY DRAG ALEX OFF THE TABLE AND OUT OF THE DOOR

ALEX
You can’t silence me! I’m raging against the machine I’m...

THE SECURITY MAN PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE

THE SECURITY PEOPLE DRAG ALEX OUT OF SIGHT

THE BOSS STANDS UP, SHOCKED BY WHAT’S JUST HAPPENED

BOSS
Who wants muffins?

THE BUSINESS MEN CHEER

CUT TO ALEX BEING DRAGGED ONTO THE STREET BY THE SECURITY GUARDS. THEY DROP HIM IN THE ROAD AND GO BACK INTO THE BUILDING.

ALEX STANDS UP AND LOOKS BACK AT THE OFFICE BUILDING.

ALEX
Does this mean I’m fired?

SCENE 3. EXT. STREETS. DAY

MONTAGE OF ALEX WALKING SLOWLY DOWN THE STEET TO MUSIC

HE IS PESTERED BY A HOMELESS MAN

HE IS THEN PESTERED BY AS RELIGIOUS PREACHER, ALEX SNAPS AND RIPS UP HIS BOOKLETS.

IT STARTS RAINING AND A CAR DRIVES THROUGH A PUDDLE COVERING ALEX IN WATER.

HE SEES FIRE TRUCKS WITH THEIR SIRENS DRIVE QUICKLY ALONG THE STREET.

THE MONTAGE ENDS WITH HIM SITTING WALKING TOWARDS HIS BLOCK OF FLATS WHICH ARE ON FIRE. HE STANDS THERE IN SHOCK.


SCENE 4. EXT. NEXT TO THE BURNING BUILDING. DAY

ALEX RUNS UP TO ONE OF THE BUILDING’S RESIDENTS OUTSIDE THE BUILDING

ALEX
What the hell happened?

RESIDENT
The old woman in number 34 left some oil in her pan and it exploded basicaly.

ALEX
Number 34? Shit! I live next to her! Mrs. Muguire you bitch!

ALEX PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HEAD


ALEX
My flat...It’s destroyed isn’t it.

RESIDENT
Well the whole 5th floor caught fire so I guess so.

ALEX STANDS THERE IN DISBELIEF

ALEX
What the hell is going on? First my girlfriend leaves me, then I lose my job and now this. What’s superman got against me?

HE SITS ON THE PAVEMENT

ALEX
What’s the point? What can I do? No money, no house, no friends.

HE LOOKS UP TO SEE THE OTHER RESIDENT HAS GONE

ALEX (to himself)
Don’t blame you mate, no one wants to be with me.

HE LIES BACK ON THE FLOOR UNTIL HE REALISES SOMETHING

ALEX
Hang on!

HE JUMPS BACK UP

ALEX
Insurance! I’ve got insurance. Yes! I can claim insurance. Thank fuck for that. Thank you direct line!

HE KISSES THE PAVEMENT AND RUNS DOWN THE STREET.

ALEX (shouting)
Thank god for capitalism!

SCENE 4. INT. INSURANCE OFFICE. EVENING

ALEX IS SITTING IN A CLEAN OFFICE WITH AN INSURANCE SALES CLERK OPPOSITE HIM.

ANNE(with authority)
No!

ALEX
What?

ANNE
We can’t give you the money Mr. Richardson. You don’t have any insurance.

ALEX
Well yeah I do, I spent half an hour filling out the form. I do have insurance and I am demanding it now woman!

ANNE
We have no record of any Alex Richardson ever getting any home insurance from us. We cannot give you the money.

ALEX
But the form...Maybe I imagined it? Oh...I think that may have been a dream.

ALEX GETS UP AND STARTS BEGGING NEXT TO HER

ALEX
Please give me the money. I literally have nothing. I swear on my mother’s life.

HE STARTS CRYING

ALEX
Please

THE CLERK LOOKS AT HIM WEIRDLY

ANNE
What? Literally nothing. No bank savings, credit cards, not even any money in your wallet. Surely you’ve got life savings or something.

ALEX ANGRILY GETS OUT AND OPENS HIS BARE WALLET

ALEX (shouting)
Nothing! Nothing! I spent so much fucking money in starbucks for lunch and by god it’s come back to bite me on the arse. £2 for a styrofoam cup of coffee that tastes like dog piss. Cappuccino? Crapuccino more like. £2? That’s crazy, and then I spent my bank savings on a sofa. A stupid white sofa and a fish tank.

ALEX SITS DOWN CALMLY

ALEX (looking down)
I never got the chance to buy the fish

HE LOOKS AT HER NAME BADGE

ALEX
Anne. Please, I need some money.

ANNE
Whilst I sympathise with your situation Mr. Richardson I can’t just hand out money willy nilly. I’d get fired.

ALEX
Oh come on, I’ve sold insurance for 3 years I know you’re all crooks swindling old women and baffling them with made up words like “no claims bonus” and shitty advertising thought up by art graduates that sit there drinking piss whilst tapping away on their fucking apple computers. Please, If you have any heart you’d give me the money for my flat.

ANNE GETS OUT OF HER CHAIR

ANNE
For the last time, I can’t just give you the money. This meeting is over.

ALEX STANDS UP AND INTERRUPTS ANNE LEAVING

ALEX (without thinking)
I’ll let you look at my dick...

ANNE
Go home Mr. Richardson.

ALEX STANDS THERE IN DISBELIEF BEFORE STORMING OUT OF THE OFFICE.

ALEX (shouting whilst throwing paper off her desk)
I don’t have a home you callous wino!


SCENE 5. EXT. STREET CORNER IN THE RAIN. NIGHT

ALEX IS SITTING ON THE STREET CORNER TALKING TO HIMSELF DRUNKENLY

ALEX
What the hell’s happened to me? This morning I was somebody, at the top of my game. Now I’m sat here drinking shitty whisky monologuing to myself in the rain like a bum.

HE PAUSES

ALEX
What’s the point? What is the point? I’ve got nothing to live for now, no job, no money, no friends. I’m a dingleberry hanging onto the gooch hair of society.

HE LOOKS OUT INTO THE ROAD

ALEX
Maybe I could end it all? End my shallow puddle of a life and live on that magical island with talking frogs and naked women. Maybe I could marry an angel and have Rambo, our child. Yeah, that sounds good.

A CAR COMES DOWN THE LONLEY STREET

ALEX
Ok Alex. Here it goes. I’m coming Rambo!

ALEX STANDS UP. WHEN THE CAR COMES TOWARDS ALEX HE STEPS IN FRONT OF THE CAR.

THE CAR RUNS HIM OVER AND ALEX IS THROWN INTO THE ROAD. WILL GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND RUNS OVER TO ALEX’S BODY.

WILL (worrying to himself)
Oh my god, please don’t be dead. I’m too cool to go to prison. I’ll be pounced on faster than Channel 5 on Big Brother.

ALEX MUMBLES SOMETHING

WILL (with relief)
Oh thank God, Are you alright mate?

ALEX SHUFFLES ROUND ON THE FLOOR

ALEX (unintelligibly)
Oh balls, I’m not dead

WILL PAUSES

WILL
Hang on. I recognise that voice....Alex? Alex Richardson?

ALEX SITS UP

ALEX
Will Cooper? Is that you?

WILL
Hahaaa, Alex my man.

HE HELPS HIM GET UP

WILL
I haven’t seen you since uni. Why the hell are you trying to kill yourself?

ALEX (miserably)
Long story, how warm is your car?

WILL LOOKS AT HIM SYMPATHETICALLY

WILL
Very, come on. I’ll take you back to my place.

ALEX
Oh man, thanks Will.

WILL HELPS ALEX INTO HIS CAR AND THEY DRIVE OFF

SCENE 6. INT. WILL’S FLAT. NIGHT

WILL AND ALEX ENTER

WILL
You want anything to drink?

ALEX HOLDS HIS HEAD

ALEX
No thanks. Christ, my head. Feels like there’s millions of angry beavers in there chewing their way through my skull.

WILL
Well thankfully I was driving slowly. What the hell were you doing Alex? I always thought you were happy at uni. I mean you often got angry when you were drunk but...What the fuck happened?

ALEX SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA WITH WILL

ALEX
Well, it all started a 2 days ago when my girlfriend left me, then today I lost my job stupidly and then my flat burnt down and I couldn’t get any money at all. I’ve got nothing.

ALEX REALISES SOMETHING

ALEX
Will, can I ask you something?

WILL (unsure)
err yeah, go ahead

ALEX
Can I stay here, please? I have literally nowhere else to go, and your flat is like a palace compared to mine. Mine smelt of fish and pancakes. Please? I like fish and pancakes but together they offended my nose.

WILL THINKS FOR A MINUTE

WILL
Well...

ALEX TRIES TO DO SOME PUPPY EYES BUT FAILS MISERABLY

WILL
Fine, I guess you can stay for a few days.

ALEX JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT

ALEX
Thanks Will, You’re the greatest.

WILL IS SHOCKED AT ALEX’S SUDDEN BURST OF ENERGY. ALEX STARTS BOUNCING ROUND THE FLAT

ALEX PICKS UP AN EXPENSIVE LOOKING STATUE

ALEX
What’s this

WILL GETS UP TO TRY AND STOP ALEX BREAKING IT

WILL
Be careful with that! That’s a very expensive marble bust of Apollo that I bought from an artist friend of mine!

ALEX BREAKS THE STATUES NOSE

ALEX
Oops. Hey Will, My statue has no nose How does it smell?

WILL (trying to mask his annoyance)
I guess I can always glue it back on...

ALEX BOUNCES OUT OF THE ROOM AND INTO WILLS BEDROOM. THE AUDIENCE HEARS HIM LAUGHING AT SOMETHING

WILL
What is it?

WILL RUSHES IN SHOWING ALEX LAUGHING AT A NAKED GREEK STYLE STATUE

ALEX
I didn’t realise you swung that way.

WILL
I don’t, I’ve got a girlfriend it’s just that I like the...chest...

ALEX
That’s a bit gay. Oh by the way Will, where am I sleeping?

WILL
Well you can sleep on the sofa if you want I guess

ALEX
Oh come on Will, I nearly killed myself today. I’m mentally unstable Can’t I sleep in your bed?

WILL LOOKS UNSURE

WILL
Well what if...

ALEX
What?

WILL
You won’t piss the bed will you?

ALEX IS SLIGHTLY INSULTED

ALEX
I’m not a kid Will, I can perfectly control my bowels thank you very much.

WILL
Well you didn’t control them very well at the Christmas disco at uni did you? That poor child was scarred for life!

ALEX
I’ve moved on since then, and anyway I thought the child was a toilet and I was very drunk.

WILL
Fine you can sleep in my bed. But only for tonight!

ALEX JUMPS ON THE BED AND SMILES UP AT WILL WHO GRIMACES BACK.

SCENE 7. INT. WILL’S FLAT. DAY

WILL BLEARILY GETS UP OFF THE SOFA. HE RUBS HIS EYES AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND SEES ALEX READING SOMETHING.

WILL
What are you reading Alex?

ALEX
I dunno, some play thing.

WILL SNATCHES IT OUT OF ALEX’S HANDS

WILL
You can’t read that! That’s private!

ALEX
Why can’t I read it? It was quite good.

WILL
Because it’s not finished and I don’t want you telling people the story of my play.

ALEX
Your play? You wrote it?

WILL
Yeah, that’s my job. I’m a playwright.

ALEX
What, like Shakespeare?

WILL
Well yes, you know not all plays are written by Shakespeare right?

ALEX (sarcastically)
Well durrr. I’m not a complete idiot you know.

WILL
But you actually liked the play? What was your favourite bit?

ALEX THINKS FOR A BIT

ALEX
Probably the bit when the dinosaur ate king kong

WILL (shocked)
What?

HE FLICKS THROUGH THE MANUSCRIPT AND STOPS ON A PAGE. THERE IS A CRUDE DRAWING OF A DINOSAUR WITH A MONKEY IN IT’S MOUTH

WILL
Have you doodled on my manuscript? My priceless manuscript of which there is only one in the world?

ALEX
You’re making it sound worse than it actually is. I mean, look at the shading on the dinosaur. It puts Monet to shame.

WILL (trying not to get mad)
It’s fine, you’re going through a tough time at the moment.

WILL GOES INTO THE CUPBOARD AND SLAMS IT SHUT ANGRILY

WILL (through his teeth)
Have you eaten all the nutella?

ALEX WIPES THE REMNANTS OF CHOCOLATE FROM HIS MOUTH

ALEX
No...

WILL TAKES A DEEP BREATH IN AS IF TO CALM HIMSELF DOWN

WILL
Look, if this arrangement is going to work we need some rules. You can’t just go around taking all of my stuff and eating all the nutella.

ALEX
Look, I’ll buy more nutella if you want it that much.

WILL
You can’t, you have no money. Ok listen. Number 1. Don’t break anything

ALEX
Suppose that’s fair enough

WILL
Don’t go rooting through my personal possessions

ALEX
Why, are you hiding porn?

WILL
And thirdly don’t have a house party here without telling me.

ALEX
Sure thing, partner

WILL
Don’t say that ever again

ALEX (with a smug expression on his face)
Sure thing, partner

WILL SHAKES HIS HEAD. ALEX STARTS PLAYING WITH HIS TOAST MAKING IT LOOK LIKE BOTH SLICES ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION

WILL
Anyway, I’m busy this evening. I’ve got a few friends coming round and we’re having a book club meeting so you’re welcome to join in if you want but if not, can you not disturb us.

ALEX LOOKS UP FROM PLAYING WITH HIS TOAST

ALEX
Don’t worry about a thing Will, I’ll be good as gold. You won’t even know I’m there.

WILL
Well you’d better be. Otherwise there’ll be trouble.

ALEX
What are you doing now?

WILL
Well after breakfast I usually go to the Java Bean and write for a bit. Why do you want to come with?

ALEX
Well I’ve got nothing better to do

WILL
You know, you could get a new job

ALEX
Exactly I’ve got nothing better to do

WILL (Groaning)
Ugh

SCENE 8. INT. JAVA BEAN CAFE. DAY

WILL AND ALEX ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WITH COFFEE. WILL IS BUSY WRITING AT THE TABLE.

ALEX
This place is well nice Will, and the coffee is superb. Better than that starbucks piss I used to drink.

WILL
I know, plus the muffins are orgasmic.

ALEX
Do girls come here? I mean hot girls, not Maureen over there

ALEX POINTS TO THE OLD WOMAN AT THE COUNTER


WILL
Obviously, this is a coffee shop. Girls love coffee shops...I think. Anyway I thought you said you were going to try and get it back together with your old girlfriend.

ALEX
I’m not sure, maybe our love was not meant to be. Maybe cupid is sitting up there on his cloud looking down on me and thinking “you’re better than her Alex, you can do so much better” So maybe that’s why she’s got rid of me and gone for Jamie.

WILL LOOKS UP FROM HIS WORK

WILL
Jamie? I know a Jamie. Do you know his last name?

ALEX
Nope, but I do know that he’s a twatty vegan who plays piano.

WILL SITS THERE EXPRESSIONLESS

ALEX
What’s the matter?

WILL
If you’re talking about who I think you’re talking about then we may have a bit of a problem tonight.

ALEX
Why? Do you know him?

WILL NODS HIS HEAD ANXIOUSLY

WILL
He’s coming to my book club meeting today and he said he would be bringing his new girlfriend along.

ALEX LOOKS OVERJOYED

ALEX
Yes!

WILL (confused)
What? But I thought...

ALEX
This means I can weasel back in with her.

WILL
Weasel? doesn’t sound very romantic. Do you basically mean stalking?

ALEX
Partially, but this means I can still have a chance, I mean she can’t love this Jamie bloke I mean they’ve been going out for about 2 days.

WILL
Well how long had you been going out with her?

ALEX
2 years

WILL
Wow, that’s not bad. I’m impressed. I mean at uni you were hardly Romeo were you? I mean remember Suzi? I don’t think she ever recovered from that pedalo crash.

ALEX
God, don’t remind me. I had no idea that pedalos could go so quickly.

WILL (laughing)
And then you went out with fat Rachel

ALEX (angrily)
Hey that’s an urban myth like alligators in the sewers or Michael Jackson’s nose. Anyway, who are you going out with? You said you had a woman.

WILL
Her name’s Hollie. She’s Scottish and she’s a poet. We’ve been going out for a while

ALEX
Sounds like you’re going out with Robbie Burns? Is she any good?


WILL (unsure)
Well...

THEY GET UP TO LEAVE. WILL DROPS SOME MONEY ON THE TABLE

ALEX (jokingly)
You don’t like it do you, you think her poetry's shit.

WILL (hesitating)
No...I mean...It’s different and...she has her own unique style.

THEY GO OUT OF THE CAFE

ALEX
Sure, sure I believe you. You dirty boy!

SCENE 8. INT. WILL’S FLAT. EVENING

WILL IS SORTING OUT THE LIVING ROOM CUSHIONS WHEN ALEX COMES THROUGH THE DOOR.

ALEX (offscreen)
Hi honey, I’m home

WILL
Have you got the shopping?

ALEX MOVES INTO THE LIVING ROOM

ALEX
Hell yeah, however I did lose your list so I had to make some of it up.

WILL (skeptically)
Make some of it up?

ALEX
Well I thought, What would book club people like to drink and so I got this

HE GETS A BOTTLE OUT OF THE PLASTIC BAG

WILL
What’s this?

ALEX
Wine

WILL
Well I can see that, what type?

ALEX
Dunno

HE LOOKS AT THE LABEL

ALEX
Chateau Ølsen Sauvignon Blanc. Is that good?

WILL
Ølsen?

ALEX
Yeah, It’s Danish I think. I thought we should try something new

WILL IS CONFUSED

WILL
Why did you buy Danish wine? What’s wrong with French or Italian. You know, normal wines? That’s like buying Israeli pork or Indian beef, you just don’t do that.

ALEX
I thought you liked to buy Danish. I mean, you’ve got Danish bacon in the fridge. What’s wrong with Danish wine?

WILL (sarcastically)
Have you heard anyone ever day “ooh I’d love some Danish wine, some Danish wine would certainly make this party liven up. You can’t beat Danish wine!” I don’t even have Danish bacon!

ALEX
Sorry Oz, I’m more of a beer drinker than a wine drinker. How am I supposed to know?

WILL (reservedly)
It’s fine, your head’s still not right after the accident...What else have you got? Italian vodka? Spanish cider?

ALEX GETS OUT ANOTHER BOTTLE

ALEX
I got this cool stuff in this green bottle. They say it makes you forget.

WILL
Please tell me you haven’t brought absinthe...

ALEX
That’s it. Absinthe. It looks cool.

WILL
Jesus Christ Alex, It’s like 50% alcohol!

ALEX (holding an absinthe spoon)
It even comes with a free spoon

WILL SNATCHES THE BOTTLE OFF ALEX

WILL
No, we can’t drink this. You’ll kill everyone.

ALEX SNATCHES THE BOTTLE BACK

ALEX
Fine then, I’ll have it myself. You can keep your girls drink. This is the stuff men drink.

HE POURS A SMALL AMOUNT OF ABSINTHE INTO A GLASS. HE DRINKS IT AND RECOILS IN DISGUST.

ALEX (in a croaky voice)
wow, that’s strong. I think I’m on the moon, Will. Get me my space trousers.

WILL
Please don’t tell me you’re drunk. What else have you got? Did you get the dips?

ALEX
Fish paste is a dip isn’t it?

WILL
Right I’ll take that as a no.

THE DOORBELL RINGS

WILL
Oh cock, they’re here early. Get rid of the bags and that bloody absinthe Alex!

ALEX (drunkenly)
What ever you say, Wilhiem

WILL HURRIEDLY GOES OVER TO OPEN THE DOOR. HOLLIE IS ON THE OTHER SIDE.

HOLLIE
Hey Will

THEY KISS LIGHTLY

HOLLIE
How are you?

WILL
I’m fine

ALEX STUMBLES INTO VIEW HOLDING A LITTLE PLATE OF FISH PASTE. WILL GRABS HIM AND PULLS HIM OVER.

WILL
This is Alex, my old friend from uni. He’s staying with me for a while as...well he’s not been having a great time at the moment.

HOLLIE (curiously)
Why? What happened?

ALEX
I jumped in front of his car and tried to kill myself. But anywho, you must either be Hollie or a prostitute, hello.

ALEX EXTENDS HIS HAND AS IF TO SHAKE HANDS

WILL CRINGES AND HOLLIE LOOKS SLIGHTLY OUTRAGED

ALEX
I meant that by the way you kissed him upon entering. Not that you look like a lady of the night. I...

HE HOLDS OUT HIS GLASS OF ABSINTHE

ALEX
Would you like some Green Fairy? It tastes like death.

HOLLIE (unimpressed)
Erm...I’m ok thanks.

WILL GESTURES FOR HOLLIE TO SIT DOWN IN THE LOUNGE

WILL
Why don’t you sit down, Hollie. I just need to have a little chat with Alex

HOLLIE
Yeah, I think I might

HOLLIE GOES AND SITS IN THE LOUNGE. WILL DRAGS ALEX INTO THE KITCHEN

WILL
What are you doing Alex? Are you alright? You tried to kill yourself yesterday and I’m not sure drinking copious amounts of ridiculously strong alcohol is the best idea.

ALEX
I’m fine Will, it was a minor faux pas on my part. I mean I was just trying to be friendly.

WILL
Nope, don’t worry it’s fine. You may have just grossly offended my girlfriend but don’t worry. I’m sure it can’t get any worse.

THE DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

WILL (sarcastically)
Fantastic, more people for you to offend

WILL GOES OVER TO THE DOOR. ALEX GOES OVER TO HOLLIE AND OFFERS HER A LITTLE PLATE OF FISH PASTE

ALEX
Fish paste, madame?

WILL OPENS THE DOOR.

ISIS, FABIO AND THOM ENTER

WILL (enthusiastically)
Aha, the cavalry has arrived

THOM (in a posh accent)
What ho old chap

HE SLAPS WILL ON THE BACK

ALEX STANDS THERE LOOKING WEIRDLY AT WILL. ISIS SMILES AT ALEX

ALEX
I don’t think it’s a good idea to call your guests horses is it Will? Fish paste anyone?

WILL LOOKS ROUND AT ALEX AND SCOWLS. HE TURNS BACK AND GOES BACK TO BEING SMILEY

WILL
Isis, Fabio, Thom. This is Alex, my old friend who’s staying with me. He’s been...going through a rough patch.

ALEX GOES AND SHAKES THEIR HANDS

ALEX (jokingly)
Yes, Will tried to run me over, the swine

ALEX LAUGHS, THE REST ALL LOOK SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

WILL (through his teeth)
Yes, thanks for that Alex

THE DOOR BELL RINGS. WILL GOES OVER TO OPEN THE DOOR. JAMIE AND SARAH COME IN

JAMIE (Brandishing a bottle of wine and saluting)
Ahoy there sailor. I’ve brought some rum for ya

ALEX
But that’s wine

JAMIE
Yeah, I know. I was only joking you old sea dog.

SARAH NOTICES ALEX AND JUMPS BACK IN SHOCK

ALEX MARCHES OVER TOWARDS HER

ALEX
Hello Sarah

HE LIFTS UP THE PLATE OF FISH PASTE

ALEX
Would you like some fish paste?

SARAH
Erm, no thanks. What the fuck are you doing here? I told you we’re finished. I’m with Jamie now. You can stop stalking me

ALEX (in a falsely happy tone)
Oh I know, you see after you left me I became depressed and angry so I lost my job and then funnily enough my flat managed to burn down. The it turns out that I don’t have any contents or home insurance so I tried to kill myself by jumping into a car. Fortunately that car turned out to be Will’s so I’m now living here. I am currently on the edge of sanity and I have a good reason to shove your head on a spike but I’m fine now. Anyway how are you?


SARAH IS TAKEN ABACK

SARAH
Alex, I had no idea....

ALEX (trying to quickly change the subject)
No, it’s fine honestly. Would you like some Danish wine? It’s bottled in Aarhus.

SARAH
Well it’s not exactly the Loire Valley but it might be ok. I guess

SCENE 9. WILL’S FLAT. INT. NIGHT

THE GET TOGETHER IS IN FULL SWING. THE GUESTS ARE STANDING ABOUT WITH DRINKS. ALEX AND ISIS ARE SITTING DOWN ON THE SOFA CHATTING.

ISIS (shocked)
I can’t believe you tried to kill yourself yesterday. You look totally fine now. I mean, considering everything that’s happened to you over such a short amount of time. It’s amazing your not some gibbering wreck.

ALEX
Thanks, well I have times when I feel extremely happy and then other times I get very depressed and feel like shoving needles in my eyes.

ISIS (nervously)
Oh...Right

ALEX
But don’t worry, I’m in a happy mood right now. But you may want to keep me away from needles though. They have a sort of weird effect on me. You’re name’s Isis isn’t it?

ISIS
Yep, and before you say it yes I do know I look like a goddess.

ALEX LAUGHS

ALEX
I’m guessing you get that often. I mean, you can chop of my penis any day

ISIS SPLUTTERS ON HER WINE

ISIS
Well...Isis didn’t chop of Osiris’ penis that was Set. But I like the sentiment all the same. It’s certainly more witty than the boring old, you look like a goddess line.

ALEX
Well I guess it was a bit of a bummer being married to the king of the underworld and having a son with a bird’s head.

ISIS
Imagine the amount of dummies he went through

ALEX
What do you do then? I used to be an insurance salesman but I’m now considering becoming either a clown or a magician

ISIS
WEll, I’m an amateur artist.

ISIS POINTS TO A PICTURE ON THE WALL

ISIS
That’s one of mine. The only problem is that the only people who buy my art are friends. I’ve had no interest from galleries or other buyers.

ALEX
That’s a shame. You’re really good actually.

ISIS
Yeah, sure I am. If I was any good I wouldn’t be living in some grotty flat, drinking coffee for a living and watching Jeremy Kyle till I cry

ALEX CHUCKLES. WILL STANDS UP AND STARTS TAPPING HIS WINE GLASS WITH THE ABSINTHE SPOON.

WILL
Ok, then, let’s get this book club meeting underway. I trust you've all brought your books

EVERYONE NODS APART FROM FABIO WHO PUTS HIS HAND UP

FABIO
I forgot mine, sorry Will. I left it...in the oven

WILL
Oh, it doesn’t matter. Borrow Thom’s

EVERYONE SITS DOWN WITH THEIR BOOKS. ALEX LOOKS OVER AT ISIS

ALEX (whispering)
What book is it?

ISIS
Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck

ALEX
Really? I thought everyone did that at school. I mean, even I can remember bits of it.

ISIS
Well, to be honest, I haven’t been reading it so I’m probably just going to make it up.

ALEX
Oh right

WILL
Ok, Lets all open our books

EVERYONE OPENS THEIR BOOKS. ALEX ROLLS HIS EYES

SCENE 10. WILL’S FLAT. INT. NIGHT

EVERYONE IS SITTING DOWN IN THE LIVING ROOM LISTENING TO JAMIE WITTER ON PRETENTIOUSLY ABOUT THE BOOK. ALEX LOOKS VERY BORED

JAMIE
...and when the pigeon in the barn flies out after the death of Curley’s Wife, it is clear that this is a metaphor for the dream of the small farm that George and Lennie had and this shows the hopeless struggle that the farm handlers have in this...

ALEX LOUDLY SNORES

JAMIE (annoyed at being interrupted)
I’m sorry? Am I boring you Alex?

ALEX STANDS UP GRASPING HIS GLASS OF WINE

ALEX
Well yes, as a matter of fact Jamie, you are boring me.

JAMIE
Well, I’m sorry but I was merely sharing my view on the book

ALEX
Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion on Of Mice and Men you boob.

JAMIE
But this is a book club. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Have you ever read a book before Alex? Have you ever wondered why the author writes the words he uses? Or do you prefer to cycle through the pages looking for the pictures?

EVERYONE LAUGHS

ALEX
Of course I read books before you ignorant turd flannel!

EVERYONE GASPS. WILL SHAKES HIS HEAD AT ALEX AND MOUTHS THE WORD NO

ALEX
In fact, I got a B in English literature. What did you get? Nothing I suspect seeing as you were probably busy shagging trees in some hippy commune in California shaking your long greasy hair to The Doors. I couldn’t care less about a fucking pigeon flying out of a barn to represent some convoluted metaphor that no one who reads the book for fun notices. All they see is a pigeon, not a metaphor.

JAMIE STANDS UP

JAMIE
Well then, it’s very clear that you are very ignorant about literature

ALEX (raising his voice)
Me Ignorant eh? Well then you’re a pretentious pseudo intellectual who probably got all that analysis of the internet in order to impress your girlfriend who you stole off me.

SARAH (interrupting)
He didn’t steal me Alex. I made the choice to leave you and get with Jamie. I told you that, remember?

ALEX
I don’t care Sarah. I still want your babies

SARAH PUTS HER PALM IN HER FACE

SARAH
Oh bloody hell Alex

ALEX TRIES TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO INSULT JAMIE WITH

ALEX
You kill elephants Jamie!

JAMIE (scoffing at the idea)
What the hell are you talking about? I’ve only ever seen an elephant in the zoo.

ALEX
For piano keys, you shoot the elephant and then turn his tusks into piano keys so you can play chopsticks over and over again

JAMIE (forcefully)
Look, you’re a drunken ranting hick Alex. Piano keys these days are made from acrylic you ignorant ignoramus. Now sit down before you get covered in your own bullshit.

ISIS STANDS UP

ISIS (standing up for Alex)
Leave him alone Jamie, you don’t know what he’s been through

JAMIE
Oh what, I’m sorry. There is no excuse for ignorance Isis! People like him need to learn.

ALEX (furious)
God, you really are a little chicken fucker aren’t you. I have lost my job, my house, my money and every single thing I own apart from the clothes I’m wearing. You have no idea how that feels with your wine and American literature. Do you really think that after trying to kill myself yesterday I would want to listen to your pretentious warblings on a classic book? How do you think insulting me and stealing my girlfriend is going to help?

JAMIE (scared)
I...I...Didn’t know

ALEX
You don’t know anything

ALEX SNAPS AND JUMPS AT JAMIE.

ALEX (shouting)
You fucking hipster!

ALEX DROPS HIS GLASS OF WINE, RUNS OVER AND PUNCHES JAMIE IN THE FACE. JAMIE FALLS OVER AND CRASHES INTO A TABLE. EVERYONE STANDS UP AND LOOKS AT ALEX.

JAMIE (grasping his face)
Oh Jesus

ALEX, REALISING WHAT HE’S DONE SLINKS BACK TO HIS CHAIR AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS

SCENE 11. WILL’S FLAT. INT. NIGHT

WILL IS SAYING GOODBYE TO EVERYONE. ALEX IS STANDING IN THE CORNER LOOKING SORRY FOR HIMSELF.


WILL (out the door)
See you Thom.

ISIS COMES TO THE DOOR

ISIS
Thanks for the get together Will

SHE LOOKS OVER AT ALEX

ISIS
I don’t blame you for punching him, he’s a massive twonk anyway.

ALEX LIFTS HIS HEAD AND SMILES. ISIS LEAVES. WILL CLOSES THE DOOR AND GOES INTO THE LIVING ROOM. ALEX FOLLOWS HIM.

WILL GETS A WINE GLASS AND POURS THE WINE TO THE VERY TOP. WILL AND ALEX STAND THERE IN SILENCE FOR A SHORT WHILE. WILL OCCASIONALLY SIPS FROM THE GLASS

ALEX (picking up a small plate of fish paste)
No one had any fish paste

WILL IGNORES HIM AND SITS DOWN

ALEX PUTS THE PLATE DOWN GOES OVER

ALEX
I’m really sorry for messing up your party Will. I don’t know what came over me. I just felt so angry. I was fine earlier, but I just snapped.

WILL (quietly)
It’s fine, I shouldn’t have had the party anyway. No one read the book apart from Jamie. I should have just stayed here and watched Newsnight. Jeremy Paxman doesn’t punch people in the face.

ALEX
I told you Will, I couldn’t control myself. I was just full of rage at that twat. Something clicked inside me and I just went for him

WILL GETS UP AND HEADS TOWARDS HIS ROOM, HE STOPS AND TURNS AROUND.

WILL
You can sleep on the couch tonight, I need my rest.

WILL TURNS ROUND

ALEX (trying to get Will’s attention)
Wait!

WILL TURNS ROUND AGAIN

WILL
What is it Alex?

ALEX
Your play...it’s really good. I really liked it.

WILL THINKS FOR A BIT

WILL
Thanks Alex

ALEX
I’d get rid of Susan though. She’s a bitch. Kill her off in a tragic jet ski accident that was actually a mafia plot to try and get the family fortune.

WILL (smiling)
That’s a good idea Alex

ALEX
Well I’m on the sofa if you need anymore

WILL
Go to sleep Alex

WILL LEAVES AND TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS

END CREDITS