A love to kill Chapter 1

PART ONE

In wild and secret happiness



Oh yes, I know the way to heaven was easy.
We found the little kingdom of our passion
That all can share who walk the road of lovers.
In wild and secret happiness we stumbled;
And gods and demons clamoured in our senses.
                                                 -Siegfied Sasoon,
                                                            "The Imperfect Lover"
                                                                            
                                                                          
                                                                        
         

PROLOGUE

Long ago I met a boy.
I must have been no more than six years old but I remember everything, every little detail, with intense clarity. I had gone to the amusement park with my parents. It was the first time I had seen so many beautiful and colorful things exploding before my eyes: the smiling clown handing me a red balloon, the dizzying roller coaster and the dreamy merry-do-around. But of all the wonders that the park had to offer, that boy was the most striking. I saw him sitting with his mother at the small round table and he seemed to me like the creature of a fairy tale, with his shinning eyes and dark hair, his unguarded face.
Our parents shoo-ed us off to play by ourselves, they had to talk, they’d said, and we were more than eager to comply. We ran off to play and discover the mysteries of this wonderland. My initial shyness was thwarted by his enthousiasm as he took my hand and we wove through the crowd. I was enchanted by him, the beautiful angel-child, as he laughed, his voice clear as crystal.
That laughing sound, I wanted to hear it again and again.
After we played for what seemed like hours our parents came to fetch us. I still remember it clearly, the stony look on his mother’s face, as if she was disgusted at the sight of our joined hands. She dragged him away as quickly as she could. My own mother did the same as she walked towards the opposite direction. Father was the only one that was still standing indecively where he was.
From that day on, I never saw him again. Until now.




   

Chapter I
Emily
I could feel the warm caress of the evening sun on my skin as Chris bent down to kiss me. His lips were sweet and gentle, as was everything about him. It made me feel safe and protected. His touch sent a shiver of exultation down my spine but it soon vanished. I eagerly pressed harder, trying to deepen the kiss. Chris chuckled against my mouth and pulled away.
Chris still smiling looked down at me with his tender amber eyes. The beams of sunlight made his light auburn hair shine like brass. At that moment I knew I loved him, the only stable element in my life, supporting me, always there, while everything I knew crumbled all around me.
A month ago my father got into the car accident that caused his death, while he was heading to his lawyer’s office, to finish the divorce proceedings with my mother. He and my mom were never in good terms but in this last year they acted as if they couldn’t stand the sight of one another. It broke our family apart.
And now dad was gone. Mom survived the accident with minor injuries, but I knew she would never forgive herself.
I tried to keep on living as I had until now, but I knew that it was impossible when my mother was taking Tryptophan behind my back. If Chris weren’t by my side I would be joining her. Being with him for almost six months had created the familiar easiness between us.
Except, of course, for the fact that we were totally in love.
Love always made my day brighten. Everytime I was in Chris’ arms like this I didn’t have a single care in the world.
“So Emily, aren’t you supposed to be heading home earlier today?” Chris snapped me out of my reverie. Trust Chris to act responsible even in moments like these.
“Oh right, my mom said I had to go home to meet someone…” she had never told me who it was though, probably some of her other CEO friends.
“Well,” Chris said “you have to go. Unless your mom set a blind date for you at your house.” He smiled seeing my scowl. “In that case we should just elope!”
I laughed and hit him playfully on the shoulder. He scoped me up in his arms, carried me to his car, and all the while we were both laughing like crazy. When he started the car to send me home we were still laughing. Everything about him, everything he did filled me with a need to be happy. Chris’ love was refreshing like cold water to me.
As usual, the ride was over earlier than I would like. We were already in front of the intricate black iron gate of my house. Beyond it I could see the green slopes of the hill on top of which sat the million dolar manor house my dad had bought four years ago, which looked more like a manor than a house, despite the modern high-tech materials used. It was complete with indoors and outdoors swimming pool, a garden and a big glass greenhouse in the back.
Most of the time this blatand exposition of wealth grated on my nerves but there was hardly anything I could do about it.
“Do you want me to walk you to the front door?” Chris asked me with a worried expression on his face. I had never told him about our family problems but he always seemed to know that something wasn’t right. But, on the other hand maybe he was only worrying about the way I was coping with my father’s death.
I didn’t want him to worry. About anything.
So, I plastered a smile on my face, even though I was suddenly feeling my stomach tighten. I got out of the car, blew him a kiss and got quickly behind the gate. I heard him honk once before setting off.
It always amazed me, the way my emotions would suddenly change once I was on this side of the gate. The sense of normality, happiness dissapearing as soon as Chris’ car dissapeared behind the curve. It was as if the house was drawing me towards it. But this time there was a jolt of anticipation in my heart was I walked to the door.
Then I saw it. The sleek, black Ducati.
Parked on the side of the wide marble staircase that led to the door, under the shade of the large poinciana tree beside the porch, looking unexpectedly not out of place. It was as if it was always there, a part of this house.
Then, belatedly, my mind started processing. Someone else is in the house. I had assumed that I would be someone from the company whom my mother invited to dinner, being appointed the CEO after father… I assumed it was probably some obnoxious old man, whose obnoxious questions I would have to endure during the meal.
But no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t imagine someone like that riding a Ducati.
I could think of only one more possible explanation. An explanation I didn’t really want to consider.
Boyfriend, whispered a voice in my head.

The house was quiet but I could hear my mother’s voice at the end of the main corridor, in the kitchen. She sounded nervous, but maybe I was the nervous one.
“Hey, mom I’m back!” I shouted trying to sound casual “Are you aware of the fact that there’s a Ducati parked outside-”
Suddenly I came to a stop in front of the kitchen door. The door was swung open and I saw my mother leaning aginst the counter near the sink. She was the same, her dark chestnut hair and chocolate brown eyes, which made me feel a little relieved. 
But it wasn’t my mother that had startled me, it was someone sitting at the wooden chair near the table. He was half-turned towards my mother, so that I couldn’t see his face clearly, but I could make out that he was very young. Too young to be my mother’s boyfriend.
It didn’t help that his straight hair, cut in careless layers falling down the nape of his neck and around his face, brushing his cheekbones, was hiding his eyes. The color of his hair could only be described by the words “darker than black” and it was so black it held echoes of blue. He was wearing black motorcycler boots, black jeans and what seemed like a white T-shirt under a dark leather jacket.
He didn’t even move when I came though the door. He simply sat on the uncomfortable chair, his body slightly turned away from the door, without aknowleging my presence in any way.
It seemed as if his whole attitude tried to repel me.
“Uh, Emily, you’re back!” my mother called coming towards me “This is Nathaniel Thornton. He’s your…cousin.”
“Cousin?” I asked incredulously.My mother had no siblings. There was something wrong with her voice. Something she was trying to hide from me, though at the moment I was simply overcome with relief by the fact that he wasn’t anybody’s boyfriend. “It’s very…nice to meet you. I’m Emily.” I continued, stucking out my hand. I didn’t even want to admit it to myself but I was itchying with curiousity, with the need to reach out, brush away the hair that fell on his forhead, to see his face.
However, before I could do anything he got up in a swift, fluid movement, crossed the floor and took my hand. That was when I had the full impact of his face. He was possibly the most strikingly handsome boy I had ever seen. Angular cheekbones, fine-boned nose, a determined jaw without which he would have looked girly and a devilish mouth. The strands of hair that fell over his forehead made him look absurdly boyish.
Then the eyes. They were an impossible blue, not light like the color the sky but like crushed sapphires, rimmed with long lashes. His stark eyebrows that arched over his eyes gave him a proud look and contrasted with his pale skin.
But what was most startling was not his stunningly good looks, but the fact that I had recognized him. I knew that I had seen him before but I just couldn’t remember who he was.
My mother cleared her thoat. It seemed that the handshake had lasted longer than it should. I pulled away almost self-consiously and turned away but I knew he still had his eyes on me.
“Emily, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before  Nathatniel came over but, I just didn’t know how to break the news…”
“Wait mom, what are you trying to-”
“Nathaniel will be living with us from now on.”
For a moment I couldn’t find anything to say. I felt thunderstruck. He’s a guy, I thought, a stranger. However impressed by his looks that I was, I had a hunch that living with this guy under the same roof, would be dangerous. It would be the exact opposite than I would have been with Chris. Just look at the way he’s dressed, mom! I wanted to scream out.
“It was written in your father’s will.” Mother’s tone was final, with a faint warning, reminding me that we were not alone, free to argue as we did almost every other day since father’s funeral. She turned then to the boy -Nathaniel- and smiled at him. “I know you must be tired, your things were transported the morning and they have already arrived. Emily will show you to your room. It’s the room next yours, Em.” Then, she turned her back on us clearly indicating that she was done talking.
I glanced warily at Nathaniel. He was still watching me in that peculiar way as if trying to read my thoughts. Then I saw a wry smile form on his lips. “Well, aren’t you going to show me to my room, cousin?”
I blinked. “Y…yes, of course this way.”
As I led him up the wooden staircase, I heard his boots make the floorboards sigh and felt his eyes on the faded pair of jeans I was wearing, the green sweater, my hand on the railing. I remembered the clear blue of his eyes but couldn’t shake off the feeling that there was something dark and secret about him.
He was intimidating me without evident effort.
The more I thought about it the more I felt that I couldn’t stand him. It was childish really, but I liked being in an environment I was able to control. It was the same with the people around me, I felt comfortable only with people I was familiar with. But this boy was a total stranger to me.
We reached the top of the stairs, opened the white door at right side of the corridor and motioned for him to follow me. I made a wide gesture with my hand encompassing the whole room. The layout of this guestroom was the same as my bedroom. A large double bed near the French doors that led to the balcony, a private bathroom with a jacuzzi on the side. The room was complete with a laptop on the wide desk, a flat-screen TV in the corner with a game console. The walls however were bare, the white fury carpet full of paper boxes in which I assumed were Nathaniel’s belongings.
I looked at him. He was leaning against the doorframe. He scanned the room with bored interest.
“Simple, minimalistic.” He said “I like it.” Somehow he made the comment sound ironic and insulting.
“I…uh…well, you can decorate it however you want…Paint the walls, or change the curtains, or-”
“You’re driveling.” he observed with an amused glint in his eyes.
“I’m not.” I said, with great dignity. Then I took a ragged breath. Talking to him was exhausting. “Look, I’ve got homework and…and my room is right next to yours, so if you need anything you can just-”
“How very inviting.” He cut me off with a smirk “But now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a bath. Unless…” His eyes looked me up and down, like the stroking paws of a cat, then they lingered on my face. I felt myself flush. “Unless you want to stay and accompany me?” His eyes were now a deep twilight blue as he walked towards me.
“No,of course not!” I was frozen solid as I watched him approach. But he wanted only to walk past me to the bathroom and I was positive I heard him chuckle as the bathroom door shut behind him.
Great, I thought, I made myself act like an idiot.

I found my mother sitting in the living room. I saw a shot of single malt in her hand, the whisky bottle was on the low table, ready and within reach. A jolt of pain as well as anger rose in my heart. Why couln’t she be stronger? And at the same time I felt an unenduring need to wrap myself around her and shield her from the world.
“Hey, Mom.” I sat beside her on the couch and propped my chin on my palm “Mom. Who exactly is this guy? There is something you are telling me, right?” I tried to keep my voice calm and even, to pretend that I didn’t really care whether she answered or not. Most of the time it helped when I didn’t pressure her but, lately, she was like a child, quick-tempered and stubborn. And I had to be the adult. “I have so many questions, mom. How old is he? What is his connection with our family?” I restrained my curiosity, limiting my questions. I wanted to ask her whether she had thought of asking for my opinion before letting a guy stay in our house, but I already knew the answer. My mother downed half the drink with a neat flip of her wrist and set the glass on the table.
“Emily, it was in your father’s will and testament. For me to take Nathaniel in, raise him as your brother. Yes, I know” she said seeing my doubtful expression “I know! He is a stranger to me as well! But it was in Johnathan’s will and I-” she choked on the tears that had started welling in her eyes when she mentioned my father’s name “Emily, he’s your distant cousin, about a year older than you.” Her hand gripped at my wrist emphazing her words “And that’s all you need to know.”
“But what about, what about his parents? Why can’t they-?”
“His parents are dead.” I had never seen my mother’s sound so lifeless. “ They are gone.” She got up abruptly and stalked off leaving me dazed on the couch. Somehow that last bit had shocked me. I recalled the irony in those uniquely blue eyes of his, the arrogant set of this shoulders but I couldn’t imagine him feeling any sadness or remorse. I couldn’t get even the slightest read on him.
“Emily! What are you still doing there? Spacing out like that?” I raised my head to see my mother back in the room “Go do your homework quickly. I will take you and Nathaniel to dinner tonight.”
“Mom! Why didn’t you ask me first? What were you-”
“Yes, that’s right…we are family now…dinner…dinner is important…” she kept muttering to herself as she drifted away to her room. I saw how painfully gaunt she had become, the oversized tracksuit she was wearing making it even more evident. 
I let my head lower into my hands and stayed there, unable to move.