Whispers of the Wind

There was darkness in the room that didn’t seem to belong this early in the morning. An emptiness that matched the feeling that grew inside me. The imprints of my steps in front of the window gave the illusion of moved furniture. There were moments when I came close to risking my safety simply to quench the deep longing that gripped my body so tightly, it made it hard to breath. It had been so long that the weight of the night felt like eternity as minutes felt like hours.

The feeling of disapproval loomed over me as I remembered back to my childhood. Nights where I would wait in my room until everyone else fell asleep in hopes to escape from the world of watchful eyes I had been born into. Sliding down the hallway, against the cold, damp stones I made my way down the steps to the door that echoed my temporary freedom. I never made it more than a few steps outside before Micah, captain of my father’s guard, would place a hand on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. He was always there, even if you couldn’t see him. With a wave of his finger and a light push back to the door, it was back to bed for me. I risked my safety than, but it never meant life or death, not like today.

I began to wonder if the sun decided to sleep in today before a light began to dance across the floor towards me, almost calling to me, “It’s time.” The room seemed to illuminate so quickly as if the walls weren’t there to block the sun. My body tensed, a night of no sleep was the furthest thing from my mind. My pulse overwhelmed me as my entire body felt as though it was beating like a drum. My breathing was quick and shallow as the anticipation seemed to outweigh the reality of the situation.
Running through the house, my legs took over knowing what would follow. I could feel myself lose control as another seemed to take over. It took seconds before I was outside, standing on the front porch. Standing there for mere moments, simply to breath in the fresh morning air that felt weighed down with humidity, I closed my eyes and let go. Any other day I would have enjoyed watching nature from a distance, but today, my desire was to feel one with them instead.

With one quick jump, I landed in the grass still wet with morning dew, but never stopped as I ran faster and faster towards the edge of the woods that seemed as though it was further than usual. There was no hesitation, simply the need, no, my body’s demand to shift. My patience ran out and I took one last long leap as I reached the tree line. My pace doubled as I landed on all fours and was running faster than before.

It was now that I became what nature had intended me to be. What my body cried out for after months of disregard and my eyes gave away whenever I looked in a mirror. The other half that finally made me feel whole, the strong desire to run free as the wolf inside me. The pain usually attached to shifting was oblivious to me today. There would be no pain, only relief to escape back to my roots.

My worries and fears slipped away as I cut along the trees, jumping off roots and sliding on the wet leaves as I suddenly changed direction. The sun seemed to be fighting its way through the branches in hopes to reach the forest floor only succeeding in various spots along my path. Feeling the wind rustle through my fur reminded me of days when my mother would run her fingers through my hair. It was a comforting thought, if only for a few seconds.

Slowing down my pace to almost a quick walk, I reached an opening in the woods where a small creek seemed to divide the land. There was a slight sting from my paws as I realized going two or three months between shifts was taking its toll and my padding was becoming soft and vulnerable, a downfall that could cause serious consequences if I wasn’t careful.

My wolf sense was almost equal to those of a real wolf. If there were any differences, it was impossible to tell. A human would never be able to tell the difference between us physically, though a real wolf could tell from miles away. We had a different aroma that gave away an imposter in the woods. No matter how hard we tried, we could never fully fit in.

An overgrown shrub provided a perfect cover to scan out the open area that lay before me. I remembered the last time I was out here, how I approached the area with ease and careless, only to miss being shot by a hunter, huddled behind a tree, afraid I might strike. If I had taken two more steps I might not have moved again. There were other times within the past year that I took notice to a strange presence that seemed to linger wherever I went. Besides the hunter, I had never run into any one else out here, but I always felt as though there were eyes among the trees watching my every step, studying me. It sent chills through my fur just thinking about it.

The creek was no more than ten feet away, as I took slow steps, keeping aware of everything around me. The forest held an uneasy quiet today that gave me pause mere inches from the water. The songs from the birds usually filled the sky above me, along with squirrels and rabbits that were out for their own breakfast. But today, the sounds were muted and the animals scarce. Sometimes I wondered if my own mind was playing tricks on me in order to ensure I was always cautious, picking up on even the tiniest changes in detail. It seemed like a constant reminder that I was never alone and I’d never be alone.
Reaching the muddy edge, I lapped in the water, feeling the coolness go through my body. I slid slightly forward, causing my front paws to grace the top of the water. Sudden ripples arose in the creek as the fish seemed to be playing tag with each other, fearless of my presence, and disappearing as quickly as they showed up. A low grumble echoed from my stomach as I realized the hunger that was growing after my run. It also became my alarm clock some days, reminding me it was time to head back.

This time there would be no running, just a steady walk that would take twice as long to get home. Passing trees along the way that still had slight scratch marks from when I created my own trail to follow when I had moved here. I also tended to use the same path when I came out here, still in human form, whenever the forest called. There was never any hurry to enter back into the confinements of the real world, my own type of prison, as I felt chained to my human form.

Reaching my front porch, I shifted back, this time feeling some of the pain that was part of such a change. The sounds that emerged from my body scared me even now as you could hear the bones breaking and reconnecting or the tearing of muscles. You’d imagine it would get easier with time, but does pain ever really get easier. I got up off my hands and needs, covered in nothing but God’s grace and shook my body from top to bottom. A small laugh escaped my lips as I realized that I was still acting like the wolf. The sun had rose high enough in the sky that I could feel its warmth cover me like a blanket. Holding me like a mother would as their child dried from their bath. It was going to be another beautiful day in August with no rain in the forecast.

Standing out here, looking around, I couldn’t imagine ever living in the city, surrounded by steel and walls with no room to run free and no escape in sight. It seems like a sad way to live out your days, at least to someone like me.

Heading back inside, there was a faint noise echoing from the alarm in the bedroom. I must have missed the off button and caught the snooze as it went off again after ten minutes. Time seemed to go so quick on mornings like this that it made me sad to think of the possible months it would be until it happened again. The urge was getting stronger within me recently, causing it to be harder to suppress her. Little things that normally didn’t bother me become overwhelmingly irritating, as I struggled to balance both worlds every day. I was hoping that today’s escape would calm her for a little while.

I was tired of feeling such restraint against who I am, but I knew they were still after me. The more I shifted, the easier it would be for them to find me. What they were meant to do when they found me, I was still unsure of. Would I be brought back home or would they simply clean up the mess of an heir who didn’t want to abide by our law. I never wanted the responsibility bestowed upon me as next in line, and my father was not one to understand or even have compassion when disrespected. It took seeing the only man I ever loved, sent to his doom, to finally decide enough was enough. I was so naïve to believe in the beginning, that my father wouldn’t send others after me. Even after five years it never ended and I decided it was time to stop running. I grew tired of the game of chase and would deal with whatever came my way. I just needed a little more time to finish preparing.

I was back out the door within thirty minutes and got in the car. Pulling out of the driveway, the glare from the sun made it near impossible for me to see as I hit my brakes. Putting on my sunglasses, the world around me darkened. I glanced back towards the woods one more time before heading out. The creatures of the forest were out and running around along the tree line, searching for their breakfast. I could already feel the sadness of the wolf growing inside me as I continued to stare. Shaking my head, I tried to reassure her that I wouldn’t suppress her that long again.