Gavin

Gavin

When we were little kids, we were always friends.
I never wanted anyone to hurt you, you know that man.
I remember we’d always play T-ball, when we were in the jam.
And then we’d shot off those fireworks that the state had banned.
When we talked about stuff, you were always curious.
Never had a good time, your dad was an asshole.
Never known a dad who had done that to their kid, the only one was Matt.
Terrible shit he did, I know that now, now as I lay in the dark, like a mole.
His life drove him to it, I guess, I guess his conscience didn’t give him that.
Some terrible shit he did. Must’ve had too much to drink.
When he would beat you’re heart, I hope he didn’t mean it.
If he did, I would want to fucking kill him, so would you’re brother.
He’s an asshole, just remember that shit forever.

That morning we saw each other off, we was mad at each other.
See, I never wanted to hurt you; I never tried to make you mad.
You just fucking with my little sister, and I don’t like that.
I never wanted you to hate me, now I think of the life you never had.
We were playing T-ball that day, you, me, and your brother.
You were going to see your dad, no one knew it was for the last.
My conscience still suffers, never wanted you to get mad like that.
I sometimes want to kill myself over you, my brain was spinning fast.
I felt mad after that fight, maybe even a little bad.
Not as bad as I would feel when I heard the news.
Why the fuck did you have to go, man, why did you do this to me?
Why didn’t you just stay, I never wanted anyone to hurt you.

My friend came to my door, one day.
I looked at him and said, “Hey, you’re back too soon.”
“Why you back early? I thought you were out partying with dad.”
“I was, I got to tell you the thing that will make you go crazy by noon.”
I stared in space for a moment, while he told me.
Gavin and dad were going down the highway, dad was drunk.
Gavin didn’t have a seatbelt, neither did dad.
Dad was driving; a car came and he said, “Stop it, what the fuck?”
Dad never saw it though; it was too blurry for him to see.
The car came on them, head-on collision.
Gavin went forward, dad did also.
Gavin died, but dad got away free and livin’.

I stared and stared, that night I cried so much.
Mama cried a little too, Dad said, “That’s life son.”
“No! Motherfucker he didn’t have to die!”
“God’s an asshole! I hate him! We all loved him a ton.”
“Why’d he have to die, God? What the hell did he ever do?”
I remember at the visitation, his mama was crying all over the mantle.
His dad was there, too. He felt bad, I know, but I still hate him.
I never looked at the coffin, it was just too much for me to handle.

Later at the funeral, everyone said how much they loved him.
That was when my sister cried over it for the first time.
The service wasn’t much, I never like how they did it.
The pastor telling the kids it was his time to go, the bastard was lyin’.
I remember looking at the tombstone later; I never saw them put it in.
Sometimes I wish I had, maybe me and God would have been good friends then.
I just wish that maybe I had been able to say goodbye to him, that’s all.
But that’s not fair, no one did, not even his dad ever again.
Now I cry, trying to figure out why this happened.
The world will never know I guess, that’s not for me to decide.
I hope you’re up there kid, having some fun.
I just wish it later, later for you to die.

-Fredrick W.