Unchecked Menace to Women's Health!

Politics, the economy, renewable energy sources, our children’s future – so many important issues vying for our attention these days, but if I could, I’d like to take just a moment of your time to talk about an often neglected subject that is the single greatest threat to women’s breasts in this country today: speed bumps. No, seriously.

Speed bumps are getting wildly out of hand, and there’s not a bra in the world that can adjust fast enough to mitigate the yank they apply to our breasts. This problem affects both real and artificial breasts though in unequal measure, I’m sure. (You paid how much for those things and they don’t come with a lifetime location guarantee??)

Maybe it’s my imagination but speed bumps seem to have grown in the last few years becoming larger, steeper, and more like “speed walls” than they ever have before. I’m not debating whether or not they’re necessary, of course speed bumps are necessary in certain places and situations, I’m just saying that after a certain height, these things need an off-ramp to smooth the descent.

I wish I could give you statistics on the g-forces applied to the female breast as her vehicle lurches over one of these things, but apparently no one is researching this blatant hazard to women’s aesthetic well being.

To deal with this menace, until public health laws catch up with careless parking lot planners, we need to develop new, intelligent brassieres: ibras. To be honest, this strap and cup system simply isn’t working. I’m thinking about borrowing from the automotive industry and using some sort of system of gas shocks, or perhaps some over the shoulder crane set up, or scaffolding even, anything to support our sunken treasures!

Don’t be fooled into thinking this issue doesn’t matter just because you’re young and your boobs are closer to your shoulders than your belly button. Give it twenty years of good living and riding the asphalt waves and you’ll be wondering whether to buy your breasts a new bra or a pair of shoes because as all women know (or eventually find out), gravity is a cruel mistress, and speed bumps are rapidly turning into her weapon of choice.

I know some of you are thinking that you can simply aim the left wheel of your car for the break in the middle of the speed bump and only take half your car over the offending hillock, minimizing the damage. Unfortunately, all that means is that in 20 years, your right breast will be a few inches lower than your left one. Like having one headlight out of alignment, it just doesn’t work.

I used to think the biggest threat to women’s health was when you’d get a hole in the upper leg of your pantyhose at work and throughout the course of the day your entire thigh would try to escape through it leaving you with a mushroom cloud of thigh material springing from your leg by the time you got home. That was certainly more painful, but after careful consideration……it’s speed bumps, hands down.

All we need now is awareness, fund raising and organization. Some little black and yellow hazard striped ribbons to wear would be good. We’ll need some corporate sponsors/research partners, and of course we’ll have to lobby congress to counter the obviously powerful speed bump industry. With any luck we can stamp out this menace and move on to other issues important to women’s health………..like that pantyhose thing.