The 17th

The 17th

July 17, 1993
         I, I don’t know what to do. My mind is like a black hole sucking myself in. I don’t know what to do! My beloved journal, you are my dearest friend. You know me best, everything about me. My mistakes, my triumphs, my everyday life. But none of this, nothing I have done compares to what I have done today and I can’t tell anyone but you, please, please don’t ever tell anyone. I trust you though so I won’t worry about it. I will start from the start, the beginning of the day. I will be very detailed so you, my closest friend, may understand everything.
         I shot up and hit my head on the bed above me. I rubbed my head cursing silently to myself and threw my yellow and orange fleece blanket off me. I keep thinking I am going to get rid of that cursed top bunk bed but I keep forgetting! I looked at my room, and it sure was a mess. There was a single shirt that lay there; it was blue with a large white strip across the middle. The shirt rested on the dark green carpet, which spread out underneath a bunk bed. Next to the bed was a nightstand with a beat up dresser right next to it. On the other side of the small room there was a closet lined with clothes of all shades and sorts. Dresses, skirts, V-necked shirts and tank tops. These wide ranges of girl clothes filled most of the closet and on the right side, a small; a very small portion of the clothes had different colors of T-shirts and Levi pants hung up. The variety was very limited and not very imaginative. Everything about the room was very dull and boring, no pictures, no decorations. The sight was depressing to know that it was my room, two thirds of my house.

July 18, 1993
         I am sorry journal I had to cut of last night and with how perfectly I remember what happened yesterday I know I will have to stop and resume several times, so far the day seems not to bad, nothing out of the norm, just wait. Even you won’t be able to look at me the same after hearing the end of the story.
         I exited my pitiful room into my even more pitiful kitchen. It was horrible, it wasn’t messy, nowhere near as messy as my room but it was tiny. Nearest to the door was the refrigerator, it was small and white, it had some character over it’s years of use and abuse. It had stains on the front and faint black marker stains of a large smiley face graffitied across the front. In the middle of it’s “face” was a water and ice dispenser. The top was black from an incident. The thought of it makes me sad so I block it out… You remember it I’m sure though journal. Directly next to the fridge was a counter that went along the entire edge of the kitchen, it was blue and was always cleared and scrubbed unless I am using it of course. There was a table in the center of the room with white linoleum hard pressed underneath the table’s weight.
         I walked in and to cheer myself up I stepped onto the linoleum and imagined a face that I stepped on, I grinned, and stepped back. I suddenly felt horrible for what I had done and quickly apologized to the poor linoleum, it had supported me for all these years just like you have journal. Of course the linoleum is as near and dear to me as you are!

July 19, 1993
         Because of the horrible thing I have been telling you about I haven’t really had a chance to say what’s been going on the last two days, though in comparison they are pretty much nothing. Yesterday I just stayed home and thought about everything in my life, everything about me, where I think I stand as a person and how I think everything has changed since the 17th. Today I went to work; I wont go into details about it because nothing important has happened, so I will now continue with the 17th.
         After I felt bad about the linoleum I decided it deserved a good bath, so since I had some time before I had to get ready for work I went a head and gave the floor a good scrub to make up for what I had done. I went under the sink and got out some liquid soap, a scrub brush and a small bucket. I rose quickly and filled the bucket, poured some soap into it. I put the soapy water bucket onto the linoleum and started scrubbing away. After about half an hour it was sparkly clean and my fingers were pruned. After apologizing again I put the stuff away and went to get cleaned up for work. I went back into my room. Grabbed a towel and my clothes, some slacks and a white button up shirt. I entered my even sadder looking bathroom. It was just a sink, a toilet, and a stand up shower. As I walked to the shower I didn’t bother locking the door and I threw my clothes onto the white tile floor and, pushing the curtain aside I undressed. I jumped into the shower and was welcomed by a warm stream of water that soothed my sore muscles.

July 20, 1993
         I know, I know, journal be patent. I know you are lying every day wondering what exactly happened on the 17th, why I am unsure what to do, what is bringing so much agony but you have to wait. You wont understand the full blow of it unless I show you exactly what happened. Today was a little more important for me to explain, of course not as detailed as the 17th. Today I did all my normal morning activities and when I was sitting at my desk at work some of my co-workers stole you while you were a sleep and if they started to read you then, well, you know what that would mean.
         Once I was done with the shower I put my suit and slacks on. I wiped the steam from the mirror in the bathroom and walked out. I grabbed my suitcase and walked out the small white door. The warm breeze was very welcoming; I stood looking out to my neighbors. There were about four levels of small apartment rooms that filled this building and my room was on the very top. Which even though I hated heights it was very refreshing and nice. I marched down the stairs trying to be cheerful thinking about the exciting day in my area of expertise. What I had on my mind at the moment was a case I had been working one. It was very new and I had very few details on it.
         A girl had been kidnapped and I was looking in on the details of it.
         But as I was walking to my new blue sedan car an eerie feeling hit me, a feeling I should have heeded.

July 21, 1993
         Well I have given something’s away as I have been telling you this story; I wonder how well you’ve been able to put it together. I would ask you what you think happened but if I do that it always ends up I just tell. So I’ll tell you a bit about today and then we shall continue with the story. Today I went to work at about 9:00 O’clock as usual and with what happened on the 17th I have been really jumpy. It’s horrible, people just scare me from a single touch, and I hope I’ll get over it soon.
After I got in the car I grasped the new leather steering wheel and pulled away. Out of the apartments and onto the open road. As I drove I made sure that I was extra attentive and observant. I drove down the poorly made road and my car would bounce up and down every now and again. The money for these roads comes out of my taxes! They could at least do a good job at building them! About a hundred meters up the road I saw the police station. I loved my job, all my life I have wanted to be a detective, which you know all about Journal.
I bumped my way into the spiffy looking parking lot and into my reserved spot. My mind still on the case I walked over to the back door, which said “Employees Only”. I tried opening the door and walking forward at the same time as well I also thought Awww crap! This is a pull door! And as I thought this, my head collided with the door. The wood made a clunk sound on impact and I stepped back rubbing my head already feeling a goose egg coming on. I pushing it away though and walked through the door, this time the right way. As soon as I walked in the air conditioner greeted me with a nice relaxing handshake and I shook back warmly.

July 22, 1993
         Today was uneventful, just full of discouragement and disappointment; as well as depression. My best friend Journal, I hope you’re enjoying this, I try my best to entertain you and make you happy, especially because I seem to not be able to do so to anyone else. We are almost done! Just a little bit longer, sit tight.
         The door led into a short narrow hallway that had brown carpet on the ground and along the walls. People bustled past the end of the hall every which way, each with it’s own individual job in mind. I also bustled down the hall to see what job I had to do that day. At the end of the hall there was a large room full of desks and police officers, some getting ready to set off on an investigation or on a chase. Others busily working away on paper work or doing research on their cases. All seemed to be enjoying what they were doing. I walked over to the empty desk that with the name plate that said “Detective James Roger” And sat down, I got busily to work on the case I was assigned.
         There was a girl that had been kidnapped and I was asked to look into it. I logged in onto the computer and started to research the different things on her. It was a while that I had to spend looking at her back round and the back round of all those closest to her when I had a sudden idea. I shot up out of the chair, which rolled away on its wheels. I through my coat on and ran out the door back through the hallway. I had a wonderful idea of where she could be.

July 23, 1993
         I can’t tell you all the things that have been going through my mind in the last few days since the incident so I am hoping I can hurry this up and finish soon so I can tell you what all my thoughts have been, I’m really not sure what I am to do yet. I need you to tell me but I need you to understand perfectly so you don’t judge me unfairly. I’ll explain a lot more once I finish. I’m glad you are so patient and so understanding with me dear Journal.
         I ran over to my blue sedan car at a full sprint with a bit of excitement, knowing the culprit of a crime always shot a sense of thrill and joy through me. I almost literally jumped in, my mind raced over something I had found in her journal entries that pointed indefinitely at her grandmother as the culprit. I pulled out carefully and turned out to the right, I stopped at the bump so I didn’t rip apart the bottom of the car and pulled off into the empty road. I drove and I examined the entire road, clearly it was empty. So at seeing this I ducked down to pick up a small wrapper that I saw out of the corner of my eye that was bugging me. When I looked up I saw the most horrid thing in my entire life.

July 24, 1993
         Today is Independence Day, I feel independent but I feel weighed down by my acts. I left you in suspense yesterday Journal; I am at the point where I will tell you what happened and what I did. I should have done it differently, but I was unthinking. I hope you will not judge me harshly as such a close friend but I know even you will criticize me. Here we go.
         I saw her, I saw the girl that I was in search of. Everything slowed, as our two cars became inches apart. She was looking in her rear view mirror, there was a car behind her and she was tailing her. Her car was maroon, but it registered in my mind it was likely not her car, she seemed to be running away from her kidnapper and it was most likely a get away car she had stolen. Then it all happened the two cars crashed into each other seeming to become one on impact, The young Kristin flew through the car window with shards of glass piercing every part of her skin as she flew. Her expression was surprised, it all happened so fast and she didn’t know what to do. I could see the shards of glass stabbing her, causing extreme pain, but it all ended so fast. She flew right into my window. She stopped moving and he expression went down. She just stopped moving completely and I opened the car door and did what anyone would do, I ran as fast as I could. I didn’t know where I was headed neither did I care I just ran and ran never looking back. She’s dead and I killed her, she will never see her family again. She’ll never get to do anything, ever again and it was my entire fault. She could have done so much for the world, for all I know she could have been a wonderful scientist and discovered something important. But now, now she’ll-

July 25, 1993
         Well, Journal, what am I to do? I was worried to come talk to you again because I was afraid of what you might think of me. That is why I cut off the last time, I ran from you top. I don’t want you to think badly of me, but I might as well finish with what I was saying last night. Thanks again for listening, it helps.
         I ran and ran till I could run no more, I looked around me and all I saw was a grassy field with a large tree welcoming me in. I walked over to it slowly and cuddled up next to it.
         “Oh, how I love you tree. I have done this thing and you still stand here to comfort me.” I sat next to that tree and while I was I had a moment of realization, a moment of complete horror. This was where Amy and I had out first kiss. We sat under this tree and exchanged words of sweet nothings in each others ears then kissed, for the first time. At the thought of that I remembered something even more horrid. I remembered that night. I remembered Amy and I stood beside the road, I had my hands wrapped around her waist smiling. As I was standing in the rain with her holding her thinking about how much I loved her she said.
         “I, I, I have something to tell you James…”
         “Yes? What is it dear? I said so innocent and happy.
         “Well…” She trailed off.
         “Yes? Go on!” I said excitedly.
         “I don’t think, I don’t think it’s working out.” She said this pushing away, “I’m sorry, I know you’ll find someone better suited for you.” I knew she was wrong; I loved her more than anything. No one could possible mend the wound in my heart that was there now. Because my heart was totally obliterated into nothing, after she said these words she looked down and started to walk across the street. I turned away too, unsure what I was to do. I stood staring at my feet, nothing mattered, at that point, I knew nothing could go worse. Then suddenly I heard gun shots, I flipped around wildly, just in time to see the silhouette of my love fall graciously to the ground and a car pull away.

July 26, 1993
         As the love of my life fell to the ground I ran over to her with my eyes wet. I kneeled down beside her and grasped her hand. I rested my head on her blood soaked chest, now my life had no meaning. The love of my life never truly, sincerely loved me and though she never loved me she walked away from me never to utter a single thing to me again.
         After Amy I tried to be perfect, journal, I’m sure you can remember that, journal. I now make everything around me perfect and try to make myself perfect, just as Amy would have wanted it. But I now realize something, Amy doesn’t love me and she never did. She never cared about me, Journal. I have decided something and no one will stop me. I now know, after the last week of thinking, that all I ever do is cause damage. Everything I do turns out bad, I’ve done horrible things and never made anyone happy. Journal, I want to tell you, thank you, and I love you. Because these words are the last words I shall ever write again.

August 3, 1993
         I know I should never write in another mans journal but I feel that because many will read it I must let them know what happened. I am Detective Seth, in charge of the investigation on the death of James Roger. I found a note from Amy that was lost. James buried everything he wore the day he was dumped and in his pocket was this letter.
         Dear James,
Oh how I love you! This night I wish I could tell you those three words, but I can’t. I know I shattered your heart, but I had too, mine is shattered as well. This night I know it will be the last time I get to see you and I will miss seeing your handsome face shining bright. I did something I will not regret no matter what, you’re worth it. I’ll explain it so you can feel better about this, a person from a gang you put into jail for a number of years. I over heard them talking about taking vengeance on you, to kill you. They decided to drive past and shoot you down, as if it was just a random drive by shooting. I couldn’t stand there I was full of rage and anguish, I couldn’t believe someone would ever want to kill you. I couldn’t walk away with the knowledge that they were after you, that they wanted to kill you. I had to do something, I burst in and told them, I told them I would do anything, and they made an agreement, they asked me to do something that was the hardest thing for me to do, something that took my heart and soul to do. They wanted me to break up with you and take my life in front of you if they would not harm you. Please, I don’t want my life to go to waste! It is like I have given you my life, a second chance. Please find another girl and even if you never love them as much just take this life and live it to the fullest as if it were my own! Live life to the fullest and do everything you can, help people, do everything you have ever wanted to do!
         More love then you can ever imagine, Amy.