How Uncouth of You

The kids in the 4th and 5th grade were excited, as they filed out of their humdrum classrooms. They were all heading toward the big auditorium for some kind of special event. Perhaps a nice movie? A play ? Maybe some seminar. It almost didn’t matter -- it was just great to get out of those classrooms.

By one o’clock all 300 students -- 6 classrooms-worth -- were settled in the fold-up chairs in the old auditorium, barely able to contain their excitement for whatever was about to happen. The principal of the school, Sister Charlotte, dressed in the old black and white habit of the Sisters of Mercy circa 1962, made a brief announcement of the “educational” nature of the show, making it clear that any talking in the audience was strictly forbidden.

The curtain went up, and a “big kid” named Jim -- from the 6th grade -- was pacing back and forth on the stage. Jim was a little taller than most sixth-graders, and had a booming voice, which made him perfect for the role he was playing. From his neck hung a large white sign, with the word “VERB” written in big block letters.

“Go!”
“Stay!”
“Run!”
“Kick!”
“Decorate!”
“Drink!”
“Study!”

Out came the verbs -- slowly, ponderously, loudly, and monotonously. Some of the kids in the audience already knew what the point was, and already sensed that other actors would soon be appearing.
Sure enough, another 6th-grade boy appeared, few inches shorter than “VERB”, and this new character’s sign identified him as “ADVERB”. He started adding words to those spoken by “VERB”, for a dialogue that sounded like a call-and-response.

“Go!”
“Away”
“Read!”
“Carefully”
“Eat”
“Slowly”
“Come!”
“Here”

Verb and Adverb seemed pretty happy with their little routine, their little simple sentences. But clearly something was incomplete here, and Verb and Adverb were too full of themselves to notice.

Slowly advancing toward them, with their arms folded in contempt, were a pair of 6th-grade girls. The casting director of this play was seemingly using sexual tension (such as it was in 6th grade) to help set up the sides in the upcoming argument.

One girl -- “NOUN” -- was clearly taller than the other, whose sign said “ADJECTIVE”, and this pair was every bit as confidant as Verb and Adverb.

The taller girl, who would be active in politics later on in life and give many a speech, was on the stage to let Verb know the World Did Not Revolve Around Him. How silly -- short sentences like “Eat slowly” and “Push Hard”…..

….as if nothing else was needed !!

What about “Eat YOUR SANDWICH slowly” or “Push THE WAGON hard” ??

“Where would we be without nouns and adjectives?” Noun scoffed. She pointed her finger at Verb and suggested that he get off his high horse.

Verb gave some begrudging recognition to Noun, admitting that words like “Church” and “pencil” and “dog” and “baseball” were useful. At Noun’s insistence, he even gave Adjective a pat on the back, admitting that words like “red” and “green” and tall” and “beautiful” and “smooth” were also useful.

He then crossed his arms and said that he -- “VERB” -- was, nonetheless -- the most important of the eight parts of speech, on the grounds that -- technically -- no sentence is considered “complete” without a verb. As he had demonstrated before, “Go!” was a sentence all by itself.

“Hurrah” shouted Adverb, seemingly sucking up to Verb. He then gave a boisterous description of his importance -- the Where, the How, and the “When” of his Adverbial universe.

“How Uncouth of You, Adverb,” said Adjective. She said something sarcastic about “quickly” coming from “quick”, “nicely” coming from “nice”, “carefully” coming from “careful”, etc, and made it seem that most of Adverb’s domain would not exist if not for Adjective.

The four young thespians battled away for a few more minutes. Somewhere along the way “Pronoun” was introduced, along with the subtleties of “I” and “my” and “him” and “his” and “them” and “their”. Verb and Adverb sat this one out.

Next came "Preposition". Shorter words -- “to” - “on” - “at” - “in” requiring a shorter character. In another brilliant casting move, the part was played by a very short boy -- he seemed to be shorter than his own long “PREPOSITION” sign, which hung from his neck in an unruly way, flapping around clumsily, and interfering with his arm movement.

He seemed to be currying favor from both sides, in fact he seemed to be a mediator. He had allegiance with the Noun-Pronoun-Adjective faction, but stated -- very diplomatically -- that the phrase “go to the store” was Adverbial in character because it answered the question “go where?”.

Little "CONJUNCTION" appeared next, a very short girl representing “and” - “or” etc --another comical mismatch of a short person and a long sign. She was treated with sympathy, since her existence -- like the word “or” -- completely depended on two other words in need of a simple "link" word. At one point she stood there meekly holding hands with Noun and Pronoun on either side, as if she was about to fall on her face.

The best part of the show was when the eighth part of speech --”INTERJECTION” rushed out onto the stage in a frenzy. As it happened, the girl playing the part was very excitable in real life, and would prove to be downright loony and argumentative in a few years, a poster child for Ritalin.

But in this production she was perfect -- wide-eyed and animated, shouting out “OH!” and “WOW!“ and “WHEEE” and other such choice interjections. In real life, she would soon learn some nastier interjections which would get her in hot water with these nuns.

The show ended with the eight parts of speech friendly, in harmony, as they actually are in this remarkable English language. Each young actor and actress took a bow, with Noun and Verb getting the final and most important applause.

Jim eventually went to a high school called Cathedral, known at the time as a prep school for the priesthood. I don’t know if he actually became a priest, but one might think his self-righteous performance as Verb seemed to be good preparation. Virginia, the girl who played Noun, got highly involved in the Liberal Democratic Party in the 60s and 70s and her shrill voice was heard at many a political gathering.

Donna, who played Adjective, blossomed into an awfully pretty and shapely girl by the time eighth grade came around. She was a little taller than me at that point, and reportedly already had a boyfriend in 11th grade. I tried to get on her good side, with little success. I was a bit a of class clown, which turned her off. As she told me onstage two years before, I was a little too Uncouth.