Start of Depression and cutting

         For me depression started at a young age. I was around maybe 10 years old when I started feeling depressed. I started cutting at that age. I won't go into what I used to do the worst of the damage because that may give other people ideas who are battling the same urges I have been for years and I do not want to encourage that in anyway shape or form.

         For me and some others cutting is a way to deal with other pains that we do not know how to handle. I know it is not the best way to cope with other pains. Probably what I should have done was asked for help but instead I hid the pain and the feelings. For me after awhile I exploded I guess you could say, like a bottle. I broke into pieces of course not literally speaking but metaphorically speaking. I could not seem to put the pieces back together. I fell into a hole that I could not get myself out of. It was like I kept falling deeper and deeper. You know some people say when you hit rock bottom all you can do is climb up? Well, for me I don't think I have necessarily hit rock bottom but I have fell deeper than I thought was ever possible.

         I had said before that I had started cutting around 10 years old. I was hospitalized for the first time at that age too. Not a medical hospital though a psychiatric hospital. I was not outpatient I think that is what it was called. In case I messed up and it was inpatient. I was not there over night. I was in a day program. I left around 6pm or so when my parents picked me up.

         I will admit after I got out of the day program I was not cured as some people like to think I was. A few days after I graduated if you want to call it that, I started doing it again. I started cutting again. I am not proud of it. It is not something that I say in pride. You get out of the program thinking you are recovered from the thing that ended you up there. Maybe some people are but I was not. Like I said a few days after I got out I went back for more severe things this time. Nothing bad enough that it needed stitches thank god. I was there for 2 weeks and hated every minute of it as well. The meditation, school work there, different groups for me it was like hell.

          You would think if I hated it I would quit self harming right? I did for awhile but then my life got out of control again.