before part 1

I recalled the time when I was on the bus with him. Can't recall where we are going... Home, perhaps?

He asked me if I was tired and sleepy. "Kind of," I replied. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. Or maybe I was really sleeping. Half-sleeping, I guess, that's what I would call it.

The whole point of this is: I pretended to sleep, and then you know people who are sleeping, their heads starting nodding in all kinds of different directions, and of course, I pretended to nod in his direction, and then finally, finally rested on his shoulder.

There. I can touch him at last. Resting on his shoulders.

But other than that, he never touched me. Why? And then he had to go fuck some girl and got her pregnant, and now they are married. Why didn't he touch me? Was I not attractive enough? What was he afraid of? And why was he so dumb?

It all doesn't matter anymore, doesn't it? Because the facts can't be changed now.

I don't know why I'm still harbouring all these thoughts and all these intents. And yes, a story of someone I couldn't have and still desiring for. I wish it all could stop. I hate these feelings! Especially when I thought I'm over him!

Maybe it's just the emptiness in my heart. A longing for someone to love and someone to love me. Someone means a man, k? Not just anyone.

I want to forget all these anger and move on. Seriously. Things can't be changed now. But I still think of him. I think I'm just mad that I didn't manage to "get" him. Oh man, am I such a slut?

It was never meant to be and never will be. Just forget it, girl!

Right. Maybe later.

I think I kind of sound neurotic. Maybe it's the influence of the book I've just read. Bringing up forgotten and buried emotions that I chose to hide away.

Or maybe I should just face up to it... and do something about them. My feelings for him.... are still there... Love, or hate?