I Want to be a California Cow

Dear Dairy,

I've been watching commercials for those California Cows and they look so happy. Could you tell me how I could become a California Cow? Here in Michigan, the winters are really cold and our farmer refuses to heat the barn. The barn television is always playing ESPN....I hate sports. Most of the year we have to eat this dry, tasteless stuff they call hay. The other cows keep telling me I should be happy that I have free room and board. I don't consider it free since the farmer keeps us barefoot and pregnant a good share of the time and then takes our children away so he can use our milk for other things. Bessie told me that the pasture is not always greener on the other side of the fence and that the California Cows are just trying to make things look better than what they really are. I think she's just saying that to shut me up, since there are a couple other cows thinking about joining me on my quest to happiness.

The farmer has one of those handheld GPS things that I could use to tell me how to get from Michigan to California. I figure it will take quite a while to get there, so any help you can give will need to be here before the end of the month. I would try to contact one of the California Cows, but the farmer keeps his computer locked up. There may be about five of us on the trip. I wish we could fly, but I heard airport security nowadays is pretty tight.

I need to get a few things together for the trip so would appreciate you getting back to me right away.

Thanks,
Future California Cow

P.S. I didn't sign my actual name in the event this letter gets intercepted by the farmer.