Diary- not all prince charmings

I'm going to give this a go again.  I think its good for me, but no matter how much I tell myself that, I can not bring myself to keep it up.  But i need to write things down so that I have a chance of accepting and understanding it.



It is the last week of 2010 and I want to make amends.  With everyone.  No matter how much it kills me.  I want to start fresh, learn from my mistakes and grow from them.  Accept what has happened and move on.  Time to let the past stay in the past.  Writting it all down is alot easier then actually achieving it.  But maybe if I can write it, I can be strong enough to find a way to make it a posiblity.



I have never been the kind of person to give up on friendships, but right now its feels like im giving up on two.  Is it wrong to want to just stop trying? Even when I know it will hurt me to do so?



But maybe if I give up on it now and put up with the pain, it will stop the pain that he will caused me in the long run.  I dont want to repeat the last five years. 



But I dont know if I can just give up.  Its like as soon as I start to feel comfortable again,  he catches up with me and pulls me back to where I started five years ago, completely devoted and mislead.  I hate the idea of being like that again.  I hate what he turned me into.



It's like a rollacoaster, everytime I start to go up , picking my self up and feeling good again, I fall. He's like drug, I get a high off him then fall into a low when he goes away.  Which he always does.



My mother told me something last night when I finally opened up to her.  She said I was honest, trusting and guilable, and that those three things led to my down fall.  She's right.  I imagine my life to be like a fairytale.  That prince charming will come in a sweep me off my feet.  And for all i know, that may happen one day.  But not everyday. I'm honest with letting them know what is in my heart.  I trust that they have the best intention in mind.  And i'm guilable enough to believe them when they say that they do.  Not everyone is a prince charming, this is what I need to learn.



Oh well, I'll meet a new drug soon,  hopefully this one will be good for me.  Like sunlight or exercise instead of cocain, weed or heroin.  Wait not heroin, that has the word hero in it and he is the opposite from a hero, hes a villian.  I guess I'll just have to wait for my hero.