A Letter to Myself

    Imagine with me. Pretend that I have devised a way to contact my younger self. Traveling back year after year and arriving at my tenth birthday. As the younger version of me gathers around the birthday cake and blows out the candles, my parents push presents and cards towards me. Eagerly I begin to open them, going for the biggest ones first. A few toys, a few outfits, some underwear from grandma and the presents are gone. Now I begin to open up the cards. I don’t really care for the greeting or the signatures. I am already tipping the card towards me as I open it hoping money accidentally falls out onto my lap. Each time a five or ten dollar bill hits my Incredible Hulk shorts, I pretend to be surprised and finish reading the card giving the same generic thank you to each person who made me that much richer. Finally, I reach for the last card. It is addressed to me but it is also from me. The front of the envelope requests that I read it alone. After a few more thank you and hugs, I walk into my bedroom and sit on my bed. Here is what the letter would say if I could write my ten year old self.

Dear Paul,

         Happy Birthday! I know it was a good one. It may be weird to read this letter knowing that you will eventually write it, but I hope it serves its purpose. By the way, the incredible hulk rules, although in about 20 years they are going to make two horrible movies that will make you cringe. It was nice to see mom and dad together. I know you have no way of knowing this but in about five years that will never happen again. I don’t want to scare you, I just want to warn you. I know you are already thinking of a way that you could prevent this, but I assure you, you are not the cause of what will happen nor can you be the reason it will change. I assume your eyes may be teary by now. I know mine are. Jason and Nathan, you know your annoying younger brothers, they are going to look to you soon. They won’t do it openly but deep down always remember they are watching you.

         Keep your head straight and your actions honest. Tell dad you love him every day. Believe it or not there is going to come a day, very soon, that hearing “I love you” from him will be nearly unheard of. I assume you have wiped a few tears away. I’ll wait while you go get a tissue. I know the image you have our mom and dad. Everything seems steadfast, faithful, secure, loving and caring. Unfortunately, dad will make some decisions that will cause everything you have been raised to believe, disappear. This will happen almost overnight. Tell mom you love her every day. Hug on her and comfort her. Even now while you are ten, she is already at the beginning of displaying some depression symptoms. You may have noticed that she seems to spend more and more time in her bedroom. Yes, she does tell you she’s just resting, but there is something darker going on. She is sinking. No one knows it. Well, actually dad knows it, but he isn’t going to be strong enough to stick it out and help her.

         There are going to be some lonely nights ahead of you. Right now, you take for granted the security and assurance you have each night as you fall asleep knowing that dad is in the very next room. Soon those feelings will be replaced with fear and anxiety. Soon you will be the one who will be providing or impersonating security. The creaks andsounds you hear at night, they will be your responsibility. Mom is going to fall apart. You need to prepare now to be able to pick up the pieces. I know you are feeling overwhelmed. I feel it for you. Dad will move on, quit quickly actually, so you need to be prepared for that. He won’t mean to replace you but he is going to do something’s that will shock you. You know how dad always makes us turn our heads when a beer commercial comes on? Well, can you believe that one day you are actually going to hear him ask you to get a beer for him from the fridge? Yea, I know, hard to imagine. But anyways, back to mom, it’s going to get extremely rough immediately following when dad leaves.

         Mom is going to treat her room like solitary confinement and she is going to sentence herself there. There are going to be some scary and challenging nights ahead. One night soon after dad leaves mom will get a prank phone call threatening her and our lives. It's going to be hard to sleep that night. What will even be harder is the fact that later you will learn those phone calls came from dad's new house. Another night not long after that the electricity is going to get shut off. This doesn't sound bad but its going to be summer in Texas. You and your brothers are going to have to get towels from the pantry and wet them down and use them as blankets to stay cool. Dad won't pay child support and this will be one of the effects.

         Although mom will have a rough time eventually she will regain her strength and drive and do a wonderful job raising you and our brothers. You are going to have a tendency to get lazy and not care. Please don’t fall into that rut. I beg you. If you do, expect it to repeat itself and become part of the very character you have as an adult. You’re going to work at Dairy Queen as your first job. Yea, I like the dip cones too. Don’t quit that job. Always give everything you can and more. Girls are going to start becoming appealing to you. Focus on your education and your family. Girls will always be there. In fact you don’t even meet the one that is for you, until you are like 23.

         Speaking of that, here is a fun fact for you. You are going to have at least 5 children. What’s so funny? I guess it is funny. That statistic even makes me laugh and I’m living it right now. As far as dad is concerned, you are going to lose everything you have with him. The hero, the role model, the leader, the rock, the example, all of it. It’s going to disappear like a breath on a cold day. In fact even as I write this letter to you, you still have no relationship with him. It’s going to be hard but don’t use it as an excuse, use it as a reason. Motivate yourself. Strive to never repeat the mistakes that he did. I didn’t want to write this next part but I wouldn’t be doing this letter service. If you continue to blame dad, be lazy and not pay attention to life you are going to repeat and capitalize the mistakes that dad is going to make. Unfortunately these mistakes are going to lead to you having to drive to an airport every few months to pick up and drop off your son. You don’t understand the seriousness of this now, but one day you will. And I promise, even after all you are going to go through, this pain will be uncontested. Please start now. Prepare yourself. Be ready.

         You must be thinking, “what is the use”, but hold on there is some good to come. You are going to marry a beautiful girl who will simply dedicate all she has to you. Even when you fail, she is going to be there and support you. She may love you frustrated at times, but she will still love you. I mentioned the kids you are going to have earlier, oh man, wait till you meet these kids. God is going to trust you with a beautiful little girl who is going to steal and kidnap your heart almost on sight. Your three sons are going to be so much like you it is scary. Athletic and funny, oh man, so funny! After all this darkness passes you are going to have some of the best moments of your life when it is just you, your wife and your wonderful children. Well I have to go now. I’m glad I got to talk to you and I pray and trust it will make a difference. Hang in there. Oh, if it helps tell someone about making a website that is a social networking site. It’s a place where people can upload pictures and information about themselves and what they do during the day. I know the internet fad is just now taking off, but trust me get on this idea quick, it will change both of our futures. I love you

Me