Love is Never Easy

Disclaimer: I own nobody and the events are not to be implied that they had happened or might happen.

Jin stares at Yamapi’s back when the younger walks away with his boyfriend. Looking at them he can feel his heart is breaking. He had known since long ago that Yamapi has a boyfriend, but every time he thinks about it and every time he sees them, it’s inevitable for him to feel the jealousy because no matter how hard he tries to bury his feelings deep down his heart, the ‘love’ keeps haunting him. He loves Yamapi more than a friend, but Yamapi never realized it.

Yamapi looks happy with his boyfriend and Jin would be happy as long as Yamapi is happy. He knows he can’t lie to his heart anymore; he wants Yamapi to be happy, even if not with him, but the fact alone makes his heart torn to pieces.

He should be glad that he is still Yamapi’s best friend, but a part of his heart is hurt with the reality that they will only be friends and nothing more.

+++

“You’re not going out today?” Jin asks when he sees Yamapi walking out from his room to the kitchen. He knows Yamapi has a day off so he is asking to see if Yamapi already made a plan to go out with his boyfriend. He had hoped so badly that Yamapi isn’t planning anything with his boyfriend. They have a rare day off on the same day, and he wants to spend it with Yamapi, even if only by sitting around at home doing nothing else than watching TV.

“Nah… I thought I just rest at home,” Yamapi answers after getting some juice from the fridge. “How about you? Aren’t you had anything planned for today?” Yamapi asks as he’s taking a seat beside Jin on the couch.

“I thought of taking a drive later in the evening. Do you want to come along? It’s been awhile since we go for a drive together,” honestly he has nothing planned that day, but when Yamapi’s saying that he would stay at home, Jin immediately thought of something to do together with Yamapi.

Yamapi beams, “Wow, I want to! That’s a great idea!”

Jin can’t help but feeling excited to spend the evening with Yamapi.

+++

Jin is driving meanwhile Yamapi sits back on his seat while staring outside from his window. Jin doesn’t say anything to break the silence. He doesn’t hate the silence, in fact he doesn’t mind at all as long as he gets to be with Yamapi.

“Can we go to the beach?” Yamapi says suddenly turning to him.

Jin glances at Yamapi a second before looking back at the road, “Sure,” he replies smiling.

+++

They find a place to sit at the beach, sitting by a big rock staring off to the ocean. Yamapi seems so excited; he knows the younger loves beach. They are talking about a lot of things like they usually did. Jin wonders when the last time they spend time together like this was.

They lost track of the time, it was so much fun to just sit around and talking, laughing and joking around with each other. They only realized that it’s been so late when they saw the beautiful sunset.

“Should we go back now?” Jin asks unwillingly after the sun has completely set and the darkness is evident on the surrounding.

“Can we stay for awhile more?” Yamapi sounds unwilling too to Jin’s ears, maybe he just imagining thing since he really hope to be with Yamapi for awhile longer.

They continue to sit on the beach and continue talking happily.

At certain point, they just sit silently looking at the moonlight reflected on the water surface and somehow the cold wind has made them to sit closer to each other.

+++

It’s already late at night and the wind blows stronger; the chilly atmosphere makes Jin shivers a little. Jin turns to the sleeping Yamapi besides him. Yamapi has fallen asleep somewhere through the silence. He contemplates whether to wake him up and get back home or stay like that until Yamapi wakes up because he wants the moment to stay longer and if possible he hopes the moment will freeze so he could be with Yamapi forever.

Jin walks to the car and grabs his and Yamapi’s jackets. Jin knows his decision is a selfish one, but what more can he does when he can only be with Yamapi in the time like this? He comes back and covers the sleeping boy with his jacket and sits closer to Yamapi. Gently, he slips his hand around Yamapi’s body to let the younger feel warmer.

Jin doesn’t sleep; he is wide awake as he looks at the peaceful sleeping face of his secret love. He wants to save the memory clearly in his mind.

+++

Jin gently wakes Yamapi up. He couldn’t continue to be selfish. It’s already dawn and they both have early work that day and they still need to drive about an hour to go back home.

Yamapi looks up at him and as if only realized that he has been sleeping the whole night, he apologizes. “Ah, sorry. I dreamt that we already at home,” Yamapi says sheepishly.

“Lame excuse,” Jin chuckles as he extends his hand to pull Yamapi up.

They laugh as they walk back to the car. Once they get inside the car, Jin sees a beautiful sight of sunrise. He points that to Yamapi and they both look at the scene in awe.

Looking at the stunning scenery somehow makes Jin happy and sad. He is happy that he gets to spend the time with Yamapi and sad because once they get back home, the only thing that left for him is the friendship.

+++

Jin wishes that he could just leave Yamapi, forget about their friendship and leave every memory behind. It’s so hard for him to stay by Yamapi’s side as friend. He loves Yamapi so much its hurt. To be reminded each moment that Yamapi has a boyfriend, it’s like a cruel stab to his heart and he doesn’t know how long he can endure the pain.

Jin always thought of moving out but if he moves out he knows it’s like saying goodbye for good to Yamapi. He wants to leave all the things behind, but he knows he just can’t. He couldn’t do it because leaving Yamapi and leaving the house are same like killing his own heart.

+++

“Pi, I love you,” Jin says one night. He had thought a lot about his feelings and he just know that he can’t bear it anymore. It’s so hurt and painful. He knows after his confession, their friendship might change. He is aware of that but he needs to confess and if they couldn’t stay as friends anymore, then it would be easier for him to leave the house and Yamapi, that’s what he thought, but when the thought appears in his mind after he confessed, he feels his heart constricts and his tears threaten to fall.

Yamapi stares at him for a long time. “You love me?” He asks after what seems like forever.

Jin looks down, doesn’t have the strength to continue looking into Yamapi’s eyes. There’s too many emotions in those eyes, he is afraid he will find hatred or disgust or sadness or pain towards his confession, because they’d only make him hurt more.

Jin nods silently.

Yamapi walks away leaving him, that’s the last time he saw Yamapi in the house. The next morning Yamapi is gone. Yamapi leaves him and by that time he knows nothing is left for him, except for the memories of them that slicing every inch of his heart. Maybe it’s a punishment for him to ruin everything that they had.

Jin moves out from the house too; it’s too unbearable for him to stay in the place that holds too much memory for them.

+++

Jin does his hardest to stand tough to continue busying himself with work. He can’t deny that he’s still missing Yamapi. He wants to correct things back and return to be friends with Yamapi, but he can’t face him, not when he still loves the younger.

He tries to throw away the feelings, but with each passing day the feelings only grow stronger. Two months have passed and the only thing that he could do is missing and loving the younger even more.

+++

Yamapi calls him one day, while all these while he is trying to avoid the younger and Yamapi too seemed to trying his hard to avoid him, he has to admit that he is shocked and wondered why Yamapi call him.

“Can we meet?” Yamapi asks. Jin’s heart is beating so fast to hear the voice that he missed so much and to actually realize the meaning of the question.

“Yeah,” Jin answers but honestly he doesn’t hear his own voice since the pounding of his own heart is louder.

+++

Jin steps out from his car and looks at the big rock on the beach, the place where they spent their time together once a long time ago. When he sees Yamapi is standing against the rock, still waiting for him, his heart is burdened with guilty feeling. He is late, and has made Yamapi waited for almost two hours. He had thought of not coming but after thinking so hard he decided to come because he would do anything to turn back times and stay as friends if that would mean he could stay beside Yamapi and he is ready to ignore his own feelings and accepts the pain.

“Pi,” Jin’s voice cracks a little. He doesn’t know how he should face Yamapi but he can’t turn back now.

Yamapi turns to him and offers a smile, seemingly a bit restrained. “I thought you won’t come,” Yamapi says.

Jin says nothing, only replies with a small smile as he walks to Yamapi.

“Sorry, I’m late,” he says finally, he is at fault anyway for making Yamapi waiting.

Yamapi nods a little.

The atmosphere feels so awkward. They just keep staring at the vast blue ocean. Yamapi seems so calm; meanwhile Jin is uncomfortable by the silence. Jin wishes Yamapi wouldn’t be silent since he is the one who asked him to meet.

“Do you still love me?” Yamapi asks suddenly breaking the tension.

Jin’s heart almost stop beating, he doesn’t know how he should respond. Although he kind of expected Yamapi would asked him that question eventually.

Jin turns to Yamapi. Yamapi’s expression is somewhat hard to read and he keeps his eyes on the ocean.

“What I wanted most now is us to be best friends like before,” Jin answers after a few seconds.

“Is that enough?” Yamapi asks.

Jin gapes; he doesn’t know what Yamapi is meant by asking that question.

Jin ponders for awhile considering how he should answers to Yamapi. “I still love you, but what I want now is to be beside you even only as a friend. If you ask if that’s enough, it never enough because I love you but I want to always be with you. The pain that I felt when I can’t see you and be beside you was much more painful. So, even as a friend, I want to be beside you,” Finally he says his honest thought. He doesn’t know how Yamapi would respond to it, but he sincerely loves Yamapi and wants to be with him, although staying as friends would mean ‘pain’ too.

Yamapi nods silently to his answers, his expression doesn’t change at all, still so calm yet indifferent.

The silence falls between them again. Jin is restless by the deafening silence.

“I… have broken up with him…,” Yamapi says suddenly. Jin is surprised to hear the unexpected thing. “…the night you told me you love me.” Yamapi continues.

Jin turns to Yamapi in total shocked, he didn’t know about that.

Yamapi was like usual when he came home that night; nothing showed that he had just broken up with his boyfriend. Jin feels his heart heavy with guilt, was he too much engulfed in his own misery he didn’t notice that Yamapi was sad that night?

“Weirdly, I didn’t feel sad at all… because I knew all along that I didn’t love him,” Yamapi continues again and Jin doesn’t know what he feels at the moment knowing the fact that Yamapi actually didn’t love his boyfriend.

“I don’t get all these at all,” Jin says.

“How dense could you be?” Yamapi turns to him now.

Jin looks at Yamapi seriously.

“That’s because I love you! I love you since long ago, since we were younger!” Yamapi’s expression shows that he is seriously exasperated.

“What? Then why did you run away that night?” Jin is totally confused, hell, he is sure nobody could understand Yamapi’s action that night if he actually loves him.

“I was afraid…” Yamapi’s tone is lower now. “…it’s too sudden.”

Jin sighs silently, trying to understand the whole things.

“But then I realized I have lost everything. Our friendship and you,” Yamapi’s voice has its painfulness.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Jin asks.

“You moved out from the house, I thought you don’t love me anymore and hate me.” A single tear come rolling down Yamapi’s eye.

Jin immediately reaches out and hugs Yamapi tightly, “I would never hate you and I would never stop loving you,” Jin declares.

“I’m stupid right?” Yamapi is sobbing on Jin’s shoulder.

“Kind of… we both are,” Jin is distancing their bodies a little and looks into Yamapi’s eyes. He reaches for Yamapi’s face and wipes away the tears that staining the younger’s cheeks. He smiles reassuringly “I would never stop loving you,” Jin says affectionately as he closing the distance to capture Yamapi’s lips with his own.

-+-

Ok, that’s all
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