Never Enough

All i can see is black,
silence surrounds me.
Then the black turns thick;
into a dark, sticky web of ink
all around me.

Then flashes of brightness,
pain my eyes.
Colours appear,
and in their own,
form shapes in my vision.

Blue, red, yellow,
and all their secondary shades.
They start to move,
flowing freely,
gracefully.

They form a picture.
And I can't see properly,
as an unnamed colour forms a haze around me.
I can't explain,
the sight,
of the colour that fills this room;
that I've found myself in.

It feels like passion,
yet it's as cold as his skin.
Him -
a boy I once knew.
I take a shaky breath in.
I can taste.....
Freshness.
Comfort.
And a flavour that,
strangely,
reminds me of the Earth's moon.

The haze starts to move,
fast;
forming a shape right above of me.
The unnamed colour forms a shape,
that tugs a memory out of the edge of my mind;
a dark place in my brain,
a place where I keep,
all of my most painful memories.

The figure,
tall,
lean, yet in proportion,
the most perfect shape that my mind could conjure up.
The unnamed colour fades,
forming tones that i can recognise.
The movement stops.
I want to gasp,
but I'm breathless.

Every line,
every shade,
every shape,
is perfect.
It's exactly right.
I want to cry,
but all i can feel is joy.

His eyes bore into mine,
a light green today,
with flecks of gold,
my favourite version of his ever-changing eyes.
"Jessica."
He whispers my name.

I want to cry!

I can remember the pain so clearly,
yet it's not overwhelming me.
I can't understand,
what's happening,
but i don't want to.
All i want,
is to stay here,
forever.

I force my eyes away from him.
Hm.
Orange walls.
4 letters plastered everywhere.
His room,
his bed,
that I'm laying on top of.
My other senses come alive.
I feel his weight,
heavy,
but comforting,
lying on top of me.

He cups my face,
gently,
with his winter hand.
He turns  my face to his,
interrupting my study of the surroundings,
that have appeared around my still figure.
He lowers his own,
perfection,
down towards my own head.

His nose pressed lightly against mine,
his eyes so filled with love,
and passion,
that it almost convinces me,
that he feels the same still.
Then he pushes me over the edge,
with three little words.
"I Love You."

My breathing comes rapidly,
as my soul begins to shatter,
by what I know must be a lie.
He doesn't seem to notice,
so is my physical meltdown,
inside my own mind then?

A few inches between us,
closes in an instant,
as he moves his face,
towards mine,
and presses his full bottom lip,
securely to mine.

Mouths open.
At least he's breathing heavily now too.
I can't move.
He closes the kiss.
And it's like it always was.

No, not an electric shock,
like others always say.
More similar to,
the wind blowing through one of us,
to another,
merging our souls.

Like a fire's embers,
smouldering slowly,
comfortably,
perfectly.

As simple as,
earth sustaining a single seed.
We sustain each other.
And when joined by the lip,
I feel it more than ever.

Just like water,
being poured into,
a cup, or mug, or a dry river bank;
we mould the shape of our spirits to fit each other effortlessly.
That's how it feels to me now.

He pulls away,
too soon.
Should i have no say then?
I see his eyes,
slip down,
and i see that look.
The one he always had,
when he allowed himself to study my body.

And sure enough,
I follow his eyes,
and-
Oh.
Bra and underwear,
of course.

I ignore the fact,
that I'm half naked,
and look at his body,
for the first time,
since he was produced in flawlessness,
in front of me.

I find his chest bare,
I let my hand run down his body.
He lays his head down next to mine,
lips pressed to my ear.
A low moan escapes his lips at my touch.
I recoil my hand slightly,
and place it back to my side.

His skin was feather soft,
curved and angled,
in all the right spots.
I continue raking my eyes down his body.
Jeans.
So I'm laying here almost completely revealed,
yet he is comfortable in pants?
To be fair,
they do have to massive rips,
but still....

I stiffen,
as i feel the soft,
erotic,
touches of his lips on my neck.
He makes more movement now,
kissing down,
to my collarbone,
and then slides his way back up,
with soft kisses along my jaw line.

He finds my lips.
This kiss more passionate,
yet soft.
This cant be real.
I don't kiss back.
A second passed,
and I can't remember why.

He pulls back,
rejection slides over his eyes.
I feel the awkward silence,
more than i hear it.
I feel the stale air surrounding me.
I take a loud,
breath,
and fill my lungs with something else;
the unnamed colour.
The freshness,
the comfort,
it radiates from his skin,
from his very soul.
It's him.

A small smile,
breaks across my frozen face.
And his answering smile,
is incredible.
Fast,
and almost rough,
his lips crash onto mine.
And in that split-second,
the whole atmosphere changes.

I'm kissing back,
answering every unasked question.
I'm letting him in,
this one last time.
I know what he desires,
I sense it in every movement of his lips,
I can read his spirit.

My eyes are closed,
but i see burning red.
The passion envelops me,
us.
I twine my hands in his hair,
and arch my body upward towards him,
leading with my waist.
He wraps his arms around it,
pressing me up against him.

Suddenly he pulls away,
drops his hands.
I'm reading his eyes.
I know his words before he speaks,
"are you sure you wan-"
I press one finger to his lips,
cutting him off.
"Yes."

A small piece of my brain,
that wasn't completely overcome by lust,
is enthralled by my voice.
It sounds,
majestic almost.
Everything i wanted to be actually,
...everything i wished i could have given him.

This thought gets overlapped by other,
less appropriate ideas,
as he softly kisses the finger on his lips.
He holds my wrist,
gently,
and i realise all the scars,
the physical marks of my emotional pain,
have disappeared.
He pulls my hand closer,
sucking gently on my finger,
his teeth,
tongue,
and warmth,
filling me with unbearable ecstasy.

His eyes are cautioning me,
or is it himself he warns?
It's the one thing I could never tell.

He lets my hand drop,
and i wrap my arms around his neck,
every movement slow,
careful,
I don't want to mess this up.

His fingers trace patterns,
on the side of my neck,
and then he lets both hands,
one on either side,
slide down my neck,
my shoulders,
all the way to my waist.
I tremble.
His smile comforts me.
I feel the tension building,
so he must also.

I know him well,
and I can tell,
that he still seems unsure.
Like always,
he's so careful.
My voice comes out unintentionally seductive,
as i try to reassure him,
"I'm here. I want you with every fibre of my body. Take me. I want to be all yours,
I love you"
I whisper the 3 last words,
and i see him let go;
I see his desire take over.

He pushes his body up against me,
hard.
His lips reach mine hungrily,
and we're kissing passionately,
his hands roaming my body.
Everything hits fast forward,
and i can't slow my moans.
It all feels so right,
once again.

I don't break the kiss,
but i push him upwards,
kneeling.
Belt,
unbuckled.
Button,
undone.
Zipper,
open.
And then he rips off his pants.

He lays me down,
softly,
caringly.
His actions making me feel so special.
I pull my head up,
feeling the need to show him how I feel.
I kiss his lips softly,
trying to connect with him,
every emotion,
that fills me.
This love,
so strong,
it's unbreakable.

He smiles into the kiss,
and then catches me off guard,
forces me down.
I've been waiting so long,
to feel any fraction,
of this again.
This overwhelming lust,
that inter-tangles with our love,
making everything rawer,
more animalistic.
Simple needs,
simple desires to fill...

Now i take every pain,
every bad thought i had of him,
from the time when he wasn't there,
and banish them.
This act,
fills me with my wild side,
like a dormant volcano,
exploding from the pressure.

My lava,
soaks through.
As he kisses down my chest,
a low rough laugh,
sounds from him,
when he feels this.
He moves his hips forward,
I gasp,
from shock,
and pleasure.
I can feel his pressure.

My body overtakes me.
I'm pulling at his hair,
glueing myself to him.
I'm biting at every chance i get,
while his kisses explore my body,
like it's the first time.

The rest of our clothes get scattered across the room,
like ants on a biscuit.
I laugh at his haste,
when he rips the silk.
The mood is still hot red,
but the emotion is a tycoon through us.

I feel the rightness of the moment,
as he slides inside of me.
There's pressure that's,
so close to pain,
but nothing could make me feel bad right at that moment.
It's perfect.
We're conjoined in every way possible,
the pleasure not enough,
to take away the emotion,
of the love i feel at that instant.

His movements,
are all perfect,
his words,
complete this.
I stare into his eyes,
he stares back,
like I'm the one that's going to walk away.

Black.
The back of my eyelids.
My eyes open.
I'm at home.
I panic for a second,
and grab my phone.
I sigh in relief.
The picture of me and him is still there.

It was just,
a dream inside a dream.
Pain,
ending in total perfection.

XxX[WalkingZombie]XxX