The Revised Guide for the Dead Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Ghosts and their Underlings (Also, remember to hang the metals by the door!)

"Where the hell is the afterlife?" is something that you might be wondering about. Well, all things considered it is a fair question. Where are you? I certainly don't know the specifics, but the very vague plane of existence? Oh yeah. Kind of. Nobody really knows where it is. What I know are the characteristics of the place, and I know them very well, too. It's an interesting place, if you aren't in it.

For example, the most interesting part of it, which you may have noticed, is the fact that you can see only for a few feet in front of and behind you. Anything beyond that point is in complete darkness for quite some time. You will probably just walk and walk and walk for quite a while until you hit one of the bright spots.

The bright spots are undoubtedly one of the most pleasant things about this place. Try, if you will, to capture in your mind this image: A tall spiraling tower of translucent reinforced glass stands in the center of the town and the top of a mountain. The buildings are all covered in brilliant mosaics and the gardens are amazingly well maintained and tended to. All of the buildings seem to glow internally, giving the town an ethereal feel to it. It is never day or night there, just somewhere in between them.

Try to. They are very, very nice. Nobody knows where they came from and how they came to exist in this particular plane of existence, but then they aren't terribly concerned. Because, you know, they're dead- not much to worry about and they have probably given up a lot of ambitions and things like that. Not important.

The one thing you really, really need to know about them, though, would be what is probably their biggest downside. That would be, curiously, that there is only one belt of the bright spots, which really makes them more like a bright chain. If you find them, then congratulations. If not, you're mostly just wandering around. Seriously. Not very exciting at all, actually, though the afterlife never really seems to be portrayed that way. Funny. Usually it's either pure bliss or pain and burning- not a great amount of variety, really.

However, something that should be taken into account is that not everybody stays dead.

Some people take alternate routes, through rather strange schemes involving the sacrifice of several organs and just a bit of waste product. Which is, understandably, fairly rare when one is incorporeal, as you are. But nonetheless, it is possible to attain a sort of status as a member of the not very large community of the undead. Who, just so you know, tend to also be members of the community of the brain dead.

For example, one of the most common forms of those who attempt to get out of the afterlife include a people known to the living as ghosts, or the ectoplasmically challenged, as they call themselves. They are those who are somewhere between the two. They are quite literally torn. The seeming opaque quality that those who exist in the afterlife realm have is lost, though the general form and colour are kept. And, unfortunately, they are quite aware of themselves, though they can only ever see one plane of existence at a time, sometimes causing awkward appearances to the living which they are altogether unaware of. These tend to be the funniest stories to hear about in the living world, though it can be quite mortifying to the person experiencing it, on both ends. Oh, look- a pun. Ha.

Even in just that group there are different sects of the community.

Poltergeists

One of the most well known would be that of the poltergeists. These are some of the least aware of their particular ectoplasmic level. Really, they're only half-conscious to what they're doing, and even the half that's aware finds taunting people really, really funny, so it doesn't usually intervene. The nastier ones also tend to be sadistic, which is just a nice way of saying that they're really messed up. Most of the time, they can't even remember their past life, which is something unique to poltergeists.

Oftentimes, they find a home with some sort of electromagnetic energy and just begin to wreak havoc, regardless of whether or not there is actually somebody there. If your home becomes infected, there is only one way to get rid of them.

First, you must find out the identity of the spectre. It is common knowledge that when one knows the name of a being from an alternate plane, they can control them, to a degree. Nobody is quite sure why this is, but it makes for some serious entertainment if you can find it out. These would be the causes of some of the most interesting unexplained phenomenon of the living world such as spontaneous human combustion, psychic episodes, possessions, and the sudden onset of absolute genius in the criminally insane. Also, some are really good at tricking lemmings into jumping off of cliffs, which kind of freaks people out when they see it.

When you know the name of it, just keep in mind that you don't know of everything about them, and act accordingly. Although it might seem like a good idea to get revenge on somebody with the ghosts, but that's just mean. It's really kind of untraceable and it's unfair to pick on those who aren't even able to conceive what precisely is messing up their social life/marriage/career/bowel-health/et cetera.

The writer of the Revised Guide would like you to know that they are not responsible for any awesomeness that takes place after the living gains control of them. That's entirely on them. And often, it's not so awesome, as absurdly gory and very often cannibalistic.

But, I digress.

Second, you should find out how strong the particular poltergeist is. If you don't know its strength, you don't know how strong your offense should be in fighting it.

This can often be done by looking at the colour of the thing. As, in an interesting twist, for some reason the damage that is done to poltergeists also damages their colour. Their level of power goes on a scale similar to this:

Light blue- The spectre is very, very weak. Blue is like a sign of ectoplasmic anemia, and the sufferer is definitely suffering from their own version of iron deficiency.

Blue- The seeming anemia is under fair control, but they are still pretty weak. If you were to choose an image of its strength, it would be that of somebody who is recovering from being out of a coma for, oh, maybe five years.

Dark blue- Average strength, really. Really. Just, decide by how dark the blue is.

Dark blue-green- This is heading towards maybe slightly above average.

Green- Above average.

Muddy green- Even higher above average.

Dark Gold- You are dealing with a very strong spirit. Find more people.

Dark Red- This is a spirit of absurd power. Find yourself an army.

White- This thing has ungodly power. Do not attempt to fight it. Run. Just, run. Don't even bother packing, just as soon as you figure it out, start off at a sprint and keep on going. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. If you do not want to be dead, run.

Once you have determined how to proceed, or whether or not you should proceed at all, you should consider these directions, unless, of course, you are against the last two on the scale, in which case, you should probably just find a different place to live. Don't worry. It won't follow for more than about 100 miles, and from there you're pretty much safe.

If, however, you are dealing with the others, you should take into consideration the average methods. The obvious one would be exploiting common tulpas, such as a crucifix or holy water. Those along will work on the majority of the blue spirits. The darker ones will probably be a bit tougher, but lighting incense will weaken them gradually as it burns. Incense is good to use on all of them excluding the upper two if you burn it for extended periods of time, though this is not always recommended, as it can cause irritation of the eyes, nose, and throat, and you need to be at peak health when you're battling the thing, otherwise you are simply setting yourself up for possession. Other methods may be using the alchemical symbols against it. Use that one only if you're aware of their meanings, similarly, do not inscribe runes until you are familiar with them, or you could very well just make them stronger.

If you're going up against some of the stronger spectres, then it is heavily advised that one contracts the assistance of several other people. The more people you have, the stronger you are against it. Each of them should carry the common items, as well as things like wearing excessive amounts of iron and silver and eating garlic. Most of the mythological answers for how to beat monsters apply to the ghosts. It should also be considered, that you only ask people in peak physical health to aid you in this. Remember, possession is not a pretty thing; it causes people to masturbate with crucifixes and speak in tongues and spin their heads around like tops and spew pea soup. Just to name few effects.

Possession is not a good thing. It is worse than in the movies. If you are possessed, you cannot be cured of it. The only way to rid yourself of the infecting spirit would be to kill yourself, and therefore the parasite. It is not recommended that you kill yourself, because you will only end up here, in a never-ending loop of possession and death.

The second sect of ghosts are, admittedly, far, far more pleasant to deal with than poltergeists.

Protectors

The protector sect of ghosts are almost the polar opposite of poltergeists, and actually tend to consider them a lesser form of ghost. They are very human-friendly, though they vary in their shape. They, more than any other type, vary by their perceptions of themselves and what they were like in life. This leads to the appearance of very different people and, occasionally, animals. All of them can talk, but most of them simply watch. Often they are seen by confused young children who believe them to be either imaginary friends or guardian angels. They take great pride in their relationships with humans. They will never, ever hurt a human living or dead that they protect.

Though, quite frankly, they are probably the most boring sect of ghosts. Too concerned with responsibility, in this writer's opinion, and way too stuffy to be any fun to joke around with, which, let's be honest, is something admirable in a ghost. A funny dead guy is a fun dead guy. And a fun dead guy is the best one to have to deal with, in all honesty.

Now, it's time for a nap. In place of the scheduled paragraph, I will give you a recipe for a monster extermination death cocktail. You're welcome.

--The Writer who really doesn't get enough sleep.

Extermination Cocktail

(Guaranteed best results!)

You'll need: 3 cups of holy water

1 cup of red wine

Silver shavings (4 ounces)

Iron shavings (8 ounces)

Snails (7)

Gold cross

Mouldy Cheese (Comte)

Garlic (1 clove)

Silver spoons (2)

Pepper

Chicken bones (fresh, 3)

Blood of a young bat (fresh, 10 drops)

Goldfish (2)

And the largest, angriest frog you can find. The smellier the better, in this case.

Heat stove, place large cooking pot over flame. Wait until hot, then pour in the wine, holy water and all of the metals. Wait until the metals begin to settle down.

Throw in Chicken bones and drip blood as is necessary. Wait for it to be blended in.

Chop the clove of garlic very, very finely. If possible, puree. Let rest for about fifteen minutes, then place in the brew. Sprinkle pepper as you like.

Let the concoction get back up to a rolling boil, then drop in the goldfish, snails, and live frog. Do not, and I repeat, do not allow the frog to escape the concoction. This will ruin the mix. Continue until the bones have completely gone.

Wait until all flesh is properly cooked, which should be around the time it shrinks, puffs back up, and then falls off.

Top with cheese, then put in blender. Mix on the highest setting possible, until the vast majority of the ingredients are unrecognizable, and then empty into clear glass vials as is necessary. Then, proceed to get rid of your mixer, because the cocktail will no doubt have made it too foul to keep in the house. Do not pay any mind to how foul the smell is, or, make it smell as terrible as is possible. The strength of the odor indicates the strength of the mix.

Use and enjoy!