Heart Like A Handgrenade || Chapter 1

Prologue - Cassie

         You’re probably wondering who I am right now. What’s my name, what’s my story what am I like? Why else would you be reading this? Well, I’m not your average girl; let me be very up front about that. For starters, my name is Cassie Cool and I play rhythm guitar for one of the greatest live acts on the planet but I’ll talk about how that came about later. On the bright side, I’m apparently very pretty, I’m thin, I play a mean guitar, I’m also very loving, loyal, caring, compassionate and charismatic. Now on the not so bright side I’ve been characterized as selfish, over emotional, bad tempered, irate and above all, a hopeless romantic. I’m also pretty sure I’m slightly mad. Now, there are other ladies out there who just might fit that shoe too, but stay with me now. I highly doubt any of them have known what they wanted to with the rest of their life since age eight, let alone actually achieved it.
         Unlike me, most people go through life not knowing what, or who they want to be or they’re going to spend the rest of their life with. I on the other had everything figured out before I turned 19. Or so I thought. But I digress. When I was little I wanted to be a all the usual things small children want to be; astronaut, scuba diver, architect, veterinarian, Olympic athlete but that all changed when my dad, who had been raising me and my brother on his own since my mom left us, gave me an acoustic Johnson guitar for my eighth birthday. It was the best present I have ever received. I had been begging for a guitar for the past two years since my older brother had started playing the drums. That night after everyone was asleep I snuck outside and strummed my guitar until the sun rose. That morning I swore I was going to be the best female guitarist this side of the Milky Way.
         And the very next week I started lessons. I practiced every day and far into the night, playing until my fingers would bleed. And that was how the next few years seemed to pass by. Me and my brother would sit and play together in the living room when he wasn’t practicing with the neighbors next door and we became closer as we started to grow up together. Each year of school that passed my playing sessions intensified in order to block out the teasing and jeers from the mean girls. The cruel cries of emo or freak followed my wherever I went. I threw my whole being into music, and pretty soon I started to dress like the dark eyed musicians that had begun to decorate my walls and to rebel against everything. This resulted in me losing most of the few friends that I did have. They could no longer stand to be seen with me but I didn’t mind.
By the time I was in high school I hung out with the other punk kids in the town square. They were outcasts like me but that didn’t make them any nicer then the girls I had left behind. Some of them were worse. But, I kept my head down and my brother looked out for me. I was grateful for that more than anything.
But the year after that, my sophomore year, something happened that my brother couldn’t protect me from and it messed me up so utterly and completely something that ripped me apart inside that I couldn’t even play my guitar anymore. I just didn’t have the heart too anymore. For months our house was silent. I hardly ate, I never slept and I only spoke when I was spoken too. My brother and father watched me waste away but their honest attempts to help me were useless. I had vowed never to tell anyone what had happened to me. Permanent dark circles formed under my eyelids and I lost weight. Long thin cuts appeared on my wrists and legs, but nobody noticed them under my jeans and long sleeve shirts. Nothing I did had any meaning to me anymore and everything seemed dark. I just wanted it to end. But somehow I managed to keep going. I was the little engine who could.
I finished high school and moved into a small apartment on the outskirts of town and got a job at a record store below it. My brother often stopped by in efforts to get wake me from the dead but every time he asked me to do something I politely declined. But after several months of his earnest cajoling, I gave in and agreed to come to one of his gigs at a local club a few blocks away. And that thankfully is where my life took a right turn instead of crashing into the guardrails on the side of the road of life.  That was the night I met my brother’s band. His name is Tre by the way, and his band was playing at a club called the 10 X 4.
~“*”~
This is how it all started:
The sun was just starting to set as I walked down the fire escape that I always used as my private stair case. I hit the pavement, straightened up and began walking west towards the center of Berkley California and the 10 X 4. My dark red hair fell around my face as it caught in orange light of the setting sun. I squinted as the sun hit me full in the face and I fumbled for my sunglasses hanging from my black Ramones t-shirt. Since the sweltering summer had begun I had given up on wearing long pants and was sporting frayed cutoffs and high top chuck Taylors as I strolled along the cracked concrete humming absentmindedly.
That was one of the downsides of working in a record store I thought as I passed by a Laundromat, you never fail to have a Beatles song stuck in your head. I must have heard ‘Black Bird’ at least seventeen times today. After three more blocks I heard the bass emanating from the dingy club and sighed, not looking forward to the night ahead of me. Loud drunk people head banging to crappy rock and roll. Awesome. I just hoped Tre’s band would be bearable, he was such a great drummer, no band of snot nosed little punks’ deserved him. My mind drifted back to the untouched cassette tapes lying in my bedside drawer, Tre had given to me over a month ago. I shook my head trying to clear it at the back of the 10 X 4 came into view.
I crossed a parking lot dotted with cars and a van or two, unloading equipment and quietly slipped in a green door that had the word stage painted on it large white letters. Someone had drawn over the ‘A’ with the anarchist symbol. I found myself in a deserted dark hallway that smelled faintly of vomit. I moped the sheen of sweat off my face looked down the hall. I could see people setting up on the stage through the open door at the end of the corridor but none that I recognized. I decided to try the other end of the hall and turned to do so but walked straight into someone. They gently placed a hand on my shoulder to steady themselves.
“Sorry” we both muttered hurriedly as I, startled stepped back and looked up at the young man standing in front of me. I felt a little thrill in my stomach as I took him in. His untidy hair was bleached blonde but I could see his dark roots peeking out from underneath. He had an obelisk shaped face set with pair of laughing wide green eyes that were smiling amusedly down at me. They were a shade of pale emerald and were lined with smoky smudged eyeliner. When he spoke his voice was sweet and gritty sounding at the same time, like he had just rolled out of bed.
“Where are you off to in such hurry?” he asked lazily leaning against the stained red wall, still smiling as his eyes took in my slightly disheveled appearance. I blushed in the dim light as his eyes lingered on my chest and moved back up to my slightly red face.
“I’m looking for my brother” I answered slowly, absentmindedly playing with a piece of my scarlet hair, my eyes shyly averted from his brilliant ones. I noticed he had a guitar pick strung on a necklace around his neck. I wondered if he was playing tonight. “He’s the drummer for one of the bands” I continued as I tried to clear my head with a quick shake of my head and looked back into the man’s face. His very handsome, kind, smiling face. He stood up a little straighter at hearing this.
“Is he now?” he replied glancing down at my face. “What’s his name?” He looked distractedly over his shoulder and then back to my face expectantly. His lips were pursed in a devilish smile.
“Um, Tre?” I said shyly. “Ever heard of him?” At this he let out a snorting laugh and gleefully shook his head, grinning ear to ear. I raised my eyebrows questioningly.
“What?” He ignored me question and went on.
“Yea, I know him” he laughed again. “Cool guy, great drummer”
“Hence the name” I smiled “I changed my last name to his so we still matched.” He nodded.
“That’s kinda sweet I guess.” I shrugged. At that moment an ear splitting crash and a loud yell from the stage caught his attention. He grimaced, looking past my shoulder.
“Ooh, ouch that hurt” he said cringing and looking over my shoulder.
“What happened?” I asked turning around.
“Bass toss gone wrong.” He said nodding towards the stage, still grimacing.
“Like, worse than Christ Novacellic’s bass toss?”I asked craning my neck to try and see. I could make out the dim outline of a limp figure with several people and a bass gather around it. The guy nodded and after a moment his head swung suddenly back in my direction.
“You like Nirvana?” He asked eyebrows raised. His eyes flitted downwards again. “And the Ramones?” He asked incredulously. I nodded enthusiastically.
“Yea, I love em both!” I smiled proudly.
“Damn!” He muttered, seemingly impressed. There was a pause in which he opened his mouth to say something and after meeting my gaze closed it again. I lowered my eyes again and his charisma returned in a blink. “Well I have to get out there anyway Miss Cool, but your brother is in the room on the right.” He said slowly making his way down the hall. Being sure brush against my arm as he went. He turned to face me again, his back now facing the stage door.
“Thanks” I said smiling as I turned to leave.
“Hey, hey, wait” he called, as he slowed in walking  backwards down the hall, hands stuffed in his black jeans.
“I didn’t catch your name did I?”
“No” I said shaking my head slightly “I guess you didn’t.” He smirked.
“Well are ya gonna tell me?” I fought the urge to roll my eyes.
“It’s Cassie.” I called, my face burning. I could see him repeat the name quietly, getting a feel for it.
“And I’m Billie Joe, because I know your were just dying to know.” I snorted, and I could see him grinning as he backed away. “My Mama’s from the south y’know?” he said in deep southern drawl. My hand was on the door where Tre supposedly was and he was almost at the other end of the hall.
“I guess I’ll see you around then?” I called hesitantly.
“Sooner than you think!” he replied. And with one last sly grin he disappeared. I closed my eyes for a moment, to process what had just happened and clear my head before opening the door. After a moment I opened the door and found myself in the green room.
The walls of the room were painted a bright green and one wall was taken up with a mirror and a wooden counter. Ripped pieces of music posters made a sort of frame around the large mirror. Directly across from the mirror were two misshapen couches pushed together to form one long one. I spied my brother sitting with a tall gangly boy on one of the lumpy couches. I cautiously made my way over to them, trying not to make eye contact with any of the other men in the room, most of whom were gather in another corner of the room or lounging on other couch strumming their guitars.
I hadn’t taken more than three steps before Tre spied me. A huge grin replaced his scowl and he jumped up and strode over to me.
“Cass, you came!” he cried as his tight embrace lifted me off the ground. I looked up and grimaced.
“Yea, well… I needed to get out.” His brow furrowed but he nodded enthusiastically nonetheless.
“Really” he agreed seriously. There was a short pause before he snapped back to his usual gusto. “Hey come here, there’s someone I want you to meet.” He said as he led me back over to the couch. “Say hi to my little sis Mike.” A mousy haired gangly boy looked up at me with piercing blue eyes.
“Hey there Cassie, Tre told us all about you” he said with a smile.
“All good I hope?” I asked glaring at Tre who was looking innocently at the ceiling.
“For the most part” Mike chuckled. But his eyes flickered to my bare arm for a fraction of a second and back to my face. I sighed and grimaced, automatically crossing my arms across my stomach. Tre, oblivious, sat back down next to Mike and pulled me down with him, arm draped protectively around me.
“So you play bass right?” I asked Mike eyeing his huge hands resting on his leg. He nodded and proceeded to play an air guitar solo. As he played he went ‘Dirnt, dirnt, dirnt’ he finished with a deep bow. I giggled into my hands as Tre applauded. The conversation when on like this for several minutes more until were when interrupted when a stocky sound manager burst into the room and glared around the room, arms crossed. “Where the hell is the opening act?!”” he growled angrily. A guy with a red and black mowhawk nodded in our direction. The short man stomped over to the couch where we were sitting. Even though he was small the way he held himself and the livid look on his face made him seem much taller then he really was. Tre’s arm automatically tightened around me as the red faced sound guy rounded on him and Mike.
“Were not paying you little punks to sit around!” He bellowed. “Get your ass on stage right now or you don’t get a sound check!” Mike and Tre both wore matching scowls.
“We don’t need a sound check alright?” Tre hissed “Well get on stage when were ready to play.” The man’s face turned a darker shade of red.
“You don’t get to decided when you get to play buddy!” he said jabbing a meaty finger at Tre’s chest. I felt him stiffen besides me, eyes flaring. I gave Tre a warning look, ever so slightly shaking my head. Good tempers did not run in the family. “You’re on in five minutes with or without a sound check if you still expect to get paid for this damn gig.” The red faced man spat onto the dirty floor, turned on the spot and exited through the door.
“What a dick!” I muttered. Mike nodded.
“But he’ll feel like an idiot once we’ve rocked his face off.” Tre growled his accent but neither of them moved from the couch until the angry little sound man reappeared in the door. His face was an ugly shade of purple and in his rage he seemed to fill the doorway.
“GET ON STAGE NOW!!” He bellowed. Mike and Tre slowly stood up stretching lazily. I did the same. Mike walked over to a corner and picked up his orangey-yellow and black bass and headed towards the door with one last wave at me and a menacing glare at the red faced man. Tre grabbed his drumsticks and looked pointedly at me, head cocked to one side.
“You holding up okay?” he asked in a hushed voice so only I could hear him, his piercing blue eyes staring intently at my face. I nodded as my arms automatically crossed each other.
“I’m actually enjoying myself so far” I said slowly as we crossed the room. The sides of his mouth twitched in a smile.
“That’s my girl!” he said pulling me into a quick hug. “Now get out there so you can get a good spot!” The red faced man roared something indistinctly and Tre jumped back, looking angrily towards him.
“Knock em’ dead man” I said patting his shoulder. He grinned
“With pleasure” with one last glare at the red faced man he ran off through the dark frame of the door after Mike. Through the doorway I could vaguely see shadowy figures moving and could hear the band tuning up and wondered vaguely who the guitarist was. I strained my eyes but decided to leave when the sound guy reappeared.
“Whatchu looking at?” I cringed in disgust and quickly left the green room. As I moved through the back hallways of the 10 X 4,I tried to breathe through my mouth, the rank smell of aged vomit and stale beer still threatening to penetrate my lungs with every breath. Several minutes later I found myself on the floor in front of the stage. There was a small crowd clustered around the very center of the stage but I walked pass them to the wall and climbed onto a tall chair leaning against the dirty bricks. I could see my brother at his drum kit and he nodded towards me with a grin which I did my best to return. I suddenly felt very tired and wanted the night to be over already. I noticed Mike standing off to the right looking at someone with his back to the audience. Before I had time to take in the mysterious guitarist’s appearance, the lights went out and the crowd cheered. I heard my brother’s yell as he counted the rest of the band in.
“1-2-3-4!” He roared and in explosion of noise the lights popped on as the band launched into their first song. As the lights flashed on I felt my jaw drop slightly and then turn into an amused grin. My hands automatically moved to my face to cover my smile. There, of all people, was the bottle blonde I had bumped into in the hall, eyes screwed up and head jerking violently back and forth. He was slamming away on his little blue stratocaster so hard I thought it might just break in two. After a moment or two Mike and Tre faded away and it was just him playing, his fingers flying precisely up and down the battered dirty brown neck. I was transfixed as the lonely passionate sounding notes hung in the air for a moment and then he began to sing.
“I wish I could tell you, but the words would come out wrong. Oh if you only knew, they way I felt for so long.” His voice was sweet and rough and intoxicating all at the same time and I could hear the longing and angst in it. As I sat watching him play little did I know that song would be the soundtrack of my life for the next 10 years. He must have felt my gaze on him because he opened his wide green eyes and locked them with mine as he sang the next line “the first time I caught a glimpse of you,” I could feel my face heating up and he grinned “then all my thoughts were only of you.” He winked at me before his eyes screwed back up in concentration as he launched into the solo. I felt my heart skip in my chest and something in the deepest part of my soul clicked and slide into place. I felt the faintest smile slip onto my face as the set progressed. Each song including a glance or two from Billie Joe.
After half an hour the set came to an end with a bang. Tre threw his sticks into the crowd and proceeded to pick up his drum kit and hurl one of the toms across the stage. I rolled my eyes as he defiantly kicked his kick drum and sending it skidding across the stage. As his final act of jackassery he carelessly pushed his remaining cymbals over before kicking the remaining tom off to the side where it rolled out of sight with a earsplitting crash. I heard a deafening scream of fury which I knew had come from the stocky sound guy. Tre pointedly spun on his heel and flipped his middle finger in the direction of the scream with a devilish grin. The crowd widely screamed their approval. Billie Joe and Mike both were leaning in towards their amps and rocking slowly back and forth while sending feedback bouncing of the walls. After several minutes of this Billie simply kicked one of the large amps over, turned and gave a short bow before walking off the totaled staged laughing loudly with Mike.
“Such rebels” I laughed to myself as I slid off the chair deciding the easiest way to get find my brother and get out of here. I ended up retracing my steps to the green room but my brother was nowhere to be seen. After a moments deliberation I made my way into the back parking lot. When I swung open the door I was blinded by the sudden light of the blood red setting sun. I shielded my eyes and made out several figures gathered in a little circle in-between a BMW van and a beat up flat bed Ford. My brother, sitting on an upturned orange milk crate saw me and motioned for me to come over. I hesitated for a second before he yelled loudly for me.
“Cassie! Come on over!” I sighed and strode over to the small group and took a seat next to Tre who threw his arm around me.
“Well what didja think?” he slurred slightly. I could smell the alcohol on his breath.
“You were great” I said sincerely as I looked around the circle. “Very good and very destructive” I added. There were six or seven other people sitting on milk cartons, smoking cigarettes, leaning against the flat bed, talking. I noticed Billie leaning against the van gazing at me. When I looked up at him, he suddenly became very interested in the tattoo on his arm. I stared at it for a minute. It was the Jesus Christ Super Star logo. But then someone else caught my attention. A thin girl with vibrant violet hair was chatting cheerily with Mike. She looked oddly familiar. She noticed me and she too looked at me for a moment also trying to remember where she had seen me. Then a look of recognition spread across her face.
“You work at Note Records don’t you?” she said in high musical voice, which reminded me of a babbling brook.
“Yea” I nodded “And you live in that apartment right across from it right?” She smiled widely.
“Yes, and I walk by the store every morning” I smiled back glad I had finally recognized her.
“I knew I had seen you somewhere, I mean it’s not very often you see a girl with purple hair.” She giggled.
“No, you’re right but people never forget me” she grinned. “I’m Brittany by the way” she said extending a hand.
“Cassie” I said taking her outstretched hand. Her nails matched her hair perfectly.
“Nice to officially meet you Cassie” I was about to say something else when my attention was drawn across the circle. A girl with long raven black hair had appeared out of nowhere and was talking to Billie Joe. She was standing uncomfortably close to him and she kept tossing her hair out of her face. Billie looked as uncomfortable as I felt. He tried to take another step back but he was pressed up against the van. I couldn’t make out what he was saying but he glanced pleadingly across the circle at me. The black haired girl’s dark eyes didn’t miss it and with a glance at me pressed herself against Billie and wrapped her arms around his neck in a serpentine fashion. My heart sank and someone whistled. I heard Brittany let out a little gasp and she glanced sadly at me. She leaned over and whispered “ignore him, plenty of good looking guys here.” I nodded numbly.
The kiss only lasted a few second before Billie Joe went rigid and roughly pulled himself away, a look of disgust on his face. The snake girl was undeterred and looked at him playfully. I heard her murmur something about a ride home but Billie ignored her and brushed past her biting his lip but she grabbed his arm. He turned on her and spat some inaudible insult at her. She gasped indignantly turned on her heel and stalked away. Billie stood rooted to the spot for a moment, his fits were clenched at his side.
“Hand me a Heineken” I mumbled to Tre ignoring the now silent Brittany. Other than her no one had seemed to notice the little disturbance. Tre looked like he was going to protest but he saw the crestfallen look on my face and wordlessly obliged.
“Just one” he chastened.
“Right” I snorted.
“I mean it missy” he warned as I popped the top off. I took a deep swig from the bottle. I could feel the bitter alcohol burning my throat but as usual I ignored it. As I drank I wordlessly watched the silent figure of bottle blonde. After a minute Billie turned around wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his red shirt.
“Ugh!” he groaned in disgust sitting down next to Mike.
“Your first groupie man!” Mike said pounding him on the back. “Congrats” Billie groaned again.
“She tastes like whore” he grumbled, wiping his mouth on his shirt again. I snorted into my green bottle and Britt giggled besides me as I sputtered. Tre slapped me on the back causing me to cough even harder. Billie looked across the circle at me, grimacing, but I refused to meet his eyes.
“I’ll take er” Tre slurred looking around drunkenly “Where she go?” Tires screeched in the distance and a car pulled out of the lot and away into the darkness.
“Looks like she’s leaving. Sorry Tre.” Tre swore loudly and downed another swig from his bottle.
“Easy come easy go” Billie said simply.
“Very easy” I muttered. He heard me and caught my eye, smirking.
“Sassy eh?  I like that.” I felt the blood rush to my face as I inclined my head. I tried to avert my eyes but he held me in his striking gaze. I was about to say something but of course, my drunken brother chose that moment to fall backwards onto the blacktop. His arm was still around me so I came with him and we landed with a dull thud on the ground. I gasped as the air was knocked out of me and the stars spun slightly.
“Oopsie!” he hiccupped.
“God damnit Tre!” I swore amidst raucous laughter. Brittany, smiling amusedly, offered her hand and pulled me upwards. “Thanks” I said to Brittany. I looked down at Tre, who was smiling stupidly up at me.
“Hi” he
“I need to take you home don’t I?”
“Don’t worry about it Cassie” Mike cut in “he can crash at our place.”
“Thank you” I said with a forced smile. He waved me off “He basically lives there anyway, don’t worry bout it.” I looked down at my brother.
“Sounds like you get a sleepover buddy” he grinned up at me and mumbled something to himself.
“Right…well I’m gonna get going I’ll see you all around I guess” there was a chorus of goodbyes and I turned to go but I had not taken more than a few steps before there was a tug on my arm. It was Brittany, violet hair framing her face and light blue eyes.
“You need a ride? It seems silly for me not offer considering we live within 20 feet of each other” I couldn’t help but laugh. I couldn’t help but like this girl.
“Sure, thanks”
“No problem, hop in girl!” she said gesturing to the flatbed. I walked around to the passenger’s side and waited for her to unlock the door.
“Cassie?” I whirled around, startled.
“Sorry” Billie Joe said, looking apologetic “didn’t mean to scare you”
“No no its fine” I said shaking my head.
“Okay, well” he paused before rushing through his next words “there’s a big party at our warehouse this Saturday and y’know it would be cool if you y’know came?” He finished with a nervous smile, absentmindedly running his hand though his unkempt hair. “And Mike wants you there too Britt” he called over my shoulder.
“Will do” she called out of the window. He looked back at me, his cheeks pink.
“Well?” he asked tentatively, hand frozen on the back of neck.
“Sure, why not” I said shrugging, not meeting his large green eyes. His face lit up.
“Great” he said leaning in and before I could stop him he brushed his lips gently against my cheek. “Hope that makes up for that little incident back there” he whispered before he pulled away. “Bye Cassie” he said with a devilish grin before disappearing around the side of the truck.
“Bye” I whispered before climbing into the truck where Britt was waiting for me, a smug smile on her face.
“Oh he likes you babe” she said looking over her should as she pulled out of her parking spot, narrowly missing running over Tre. “I mean I have never seen him turn down another girl before, you should feel special” she said knowingly as we successfully pulled out of the lot. She hit a button on the dashboard and The Ramones started blaring out of the speakers. I was silent, mulling over what she had said. “Well? What do you think of him?” she impatiently said as we pulled up to a red light.
“I think” I said slowly “he is absolutely perfect and I can’t wait for Saturday” I paused “Jesus, I might need to actually go shopping! I do need a new pair of jeans…” I trailed off. Brittany was looking straight ahead, mouth set. “Maybe you would come with me?” I asked tentatively. She let out a little squeal of joy.
“Oh Cassie” she sighed happily “I think this could be the start of a wonderful friendship!”
“Here’s to that” I said throwing back my head and draining my green bottle.