Forever Drowning

The water was rushing over my head. I tried to swim to the surface but it was useless. My arms were too numb to move. The water was freezing. I wasn’t sure how I got here. I kicked my legs hard, pushing myself up. My chest started to burn. I was holding my breath for too long. I just needed one gasp of air.

"Keep pushing. Keep trying," my head told me. I tried to fight. I was weak against the waves. My eyes began to hurt. I couldn’t do this much longer.

"I should just give up," I told my head. Just like that, everything stopped. Blackness took over. I opened my mouth, even though I knew I could not breathe, I wanted to try. I gulped in the water and just let myself die. Something didn’t feel right. I still felt very much alive.

I woke up gasping for air. My body was covered in sweat and shaking uncontrollably. The dream had felt so real. I sat up quickly and rubbed my eyes. "I’m still alive. I’m fine. Nothing happened. It was just a dream," I repeated over and over again to myself.

I looked at the clock slowly. It read 3:02 a.m. Taking deep breaths, I tried to calm myself down. Suddenly the phone rang. My heart beat quickened. "Why is someone calling at three in the morning?" I asked the phone as I picked it up off my bedside table.

"Hello?" I answered. I was nervous.

"Mona, Is that you? I’m sorry to call so late but I thought you might want to know right away." Brian, my boyfriend’s father, said. He sounded like it was hard to talk to me. Something was wrong, I could feel it.

"What happened? Where’s Jeremy?" I was still nervous. My body was shaking again. So much for staying calm.

"He… He… He’s gone, Mona. He jumped." I could hear his tears through the phone, almost as clear as I could hear mine.

"Where are you? I’ll be right there." I managed to choke out. I was holding back the sobs. I had to keep it together for Brian.

"I’m at the… at the bridge. You don’t have to… come… not unless…"

"I’ll drive Astrid’s car. I’ll be there in five minutes. Don’t do anything. Don’t go anywhere." I interrupted him before he told me not to come.

As soon as I hung up the phone the tears began to fall harder. I pulled my knees up to my chest and closed my eyes. Trying to remember all the good times we had together was easy.

The last time I had seen him was at Pizza Hut two nights ago. He seemed fine. Today he told me he didn’t feel good so we didn’t hang out. If I had known this is what he meant by not feeling good I would’ve gone over there instantly.

"I should’ve known. I should’ve noticed. I wish I had." I said out loud. I wiped my eyes with the palm of my hand and stood up. "I will have plenty of time to mourn and yell at myself, now Brian needs my help and my comfort."

"Astrid! I need to use your car!" I yelled while knocking on her door. "Where are the keys?" My sister Astrid and I lived together. She was two years older than me, and this was technically her house. "Astrid! Now!" My eye sight got blurry as the hot tears rolled down my cheeks. "Astrid! Please! You don’t understand! I seriously need it!" My voice was shaky. I pounded harder against her door. My knuckles were turning white.

"I’m coming. I’m coming. You do know it’s three in the morning, right?" She opened the door in her robe. "Whoa, honey what’s wrong?" She tried to give me a hug but I moved out of the way. I didn’t have time for this. I needed to leave. I needed to get to the bridge.

"I-I need the ca-car. M-mines still in th-the shop." I managed to sputter out. My heart started to hurt. An actual throb in my chest formed. I put my hand against my heart and tried to hold in the pain. This is too hard.

I imagined Jeremy picking me up and holding me close to him. He would carry me off to my room where we would just lay there listening to each other’s heart beat, smiling for no reason. He would make everything okay.

"I’m driving. You are clearly unfit. Where are we going?" Astrid asked. She grabbed my hand and led the way to the car.

"The bridge. He’s at the bridge." I whispered.

"Jeremy’s at the bridge? No wonder why you were in a hurry." Astrid assumed. I didn’t have enough strength to correct her. The pain was over taking me. I crawled up in the back seat and rested my head against my knees.

"Will you tell me what happened? Were you two fighting? Am I missing something?" She sounded concerned. I know I should tell her the truth. I just don’t know if I can say it yet. "Please tell me." She added.

"He jumped. Jeremy is gone. I don’t know what he was thinking. I didn’t know he didn’t want to live. I tried to be a good girlfriend. I told him I loved him every day. I still love him. Maybe I wasn’t enough. Maybe he wanted more. Maybe If I had just left, maybe he would still be alive. Did I kill him? Did he not want to be with me anymore, enough to not want to live at all?" I looked up at her, searching for answers.

Astrid was speechless. She was simply surprised. "He jumped off the bridge?" she asked. "You poor thing. No, you didn’t kill him. No, it is not your fault. He thought it was for the best. He had his own reasons. These reasons we may never know. Mona you can’t blame yourself. Everyone has their reasons for doing certain things." She stopped the car. We were at the bridge where Jeremy had spent his last moments. Astrid turned around to comfort me, to reassure me. "And he probably…"

"Astrid. Please stop talking." I said. "Just because you say that stuff, it’s not going to make me stop thinking. You’re not going to stop the pain. The only way you could help me, would be to bring him back to me for one last night. But you can’t do that. No one can. He’s not coming back." I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car.

The sky was dark and the wind had settled. There was no movement anywhere. It made the bridge feel eerie and darker than ever. But Astrid left the headlights of the car on so I could see Brian easily. "Brian!" I yelled as I ran over to him. He was sitting on the sidewalk looking at the water beneath him. I had a feeling he was searching for his son. His eyes were red and puffy but dry. He looked older than the last time I had seen him.

He stood up and hugged me, holding me close. "Thank you for coming," he whispered. "I really need someone." Brian’s wife had left him long ago and Jeremy was an only child so Brian was all alone. I felt bad for him. He really did have no one.

"I wouldn’t let you handle this one on your own, don’t worry. Of course I’m here. I will always be here for you." I whispered back to him.

He laughed but I could see his eyes were tearing up. "Sit down." I told him, patting his shoulder. He motioned for me to sit too. I shook my head but decided it was really the right thing to do. Not only had I just lost my boyfriend but he lost his son, his only one.

We both sat on the sidewalk and watched to black waves crash over each other. We both searched and searched for Jeremy to miraculously swim to the top and be alive. We both cried our eyes out, wishing we could have done something different. We both wondered what it was that had made him want to die.

Eventually Astrid walked over and told us that it was almost morning. Brian decided it would be best for him to leave. So he walked over to his car got a few things and came back down and sat by me.

"Here. This is how I knew." He said as he handed me three yellow sticky notes.

The first sticky note was slightly discolored and had a written 1 on the corner. It read. "I went to the bridge. The water looked more inviting." When I read it, I realized tears had caused the color differences. I gave it back to Brian. It didn’t need any more water marks on it.

The second sticky note looked like the first one only it was marked with a 2 and read "Dear dad, I know what you’re thinking. I know that you’re sad. Please honor my decision. Don’t do anything stupid. I’m still there. You can’t see me, but you can feel me, I’m sure. I still love you. Never forget me." I closed my eyes and gave it to Brian immediately. My chest started to throb again.

I paused without opening my eyes. I didn’t think I could handle this one too. I handed the third sticky note to Brian. He wouldn’t take it. "Read it. This one is special." Brian said.

I opened my eyes and looked at it. It didn’t look special. It looked just the same as the other sticky notes. It read, "My Mona. Would you believe me if I said I was sorry? Forever yours. I still and always will love you. - Jeremy" I blinked away the tears. I understood now why he said it was special. I read it again and again, trying to etch the words into my heart. Maybe it would feel better if it knew that he still loved me. Maybe it would stop hurting so much.

"Thank you for showing those to me." I said to Brian, handing the last note back to him.

"That one is for you, "He said standing back up, "I think this is yours too." He pulled a silver necklace out of his pocket and dropped it into my hands.

I looked at it, curious. I was wrong it was just a silver chain but it had a ring on it. A ring I had never seen before. The metal of the ring was curved into the word love but instead on an "o" it was a small diamond. "It’s beautiful. I love it." I clutched it in my hands and stood up to hug Brian. Brian was the closest person I had to Jeremy and Jeremy deserved a hug.

"I have to work later so, I’m going to leave." Brian said to me. "Be careful, please." He walked away, into his car and he drove away.

Astrid patted me on the back and told me it was time to get going. "Wait." I said. "Do you have a piece of paper?"

She looked at me confused "No. I’m in a robe." She said. "Let’s just go home."

"No. I just want to write him one thing. Please. One last thing." I begged her.

"Okay, okay." She turned around and went back to her car. I took the ring off of the chain and slipped it on my finger, the chain, into my pocket. When Astrid walked back over to me she had a pen and a receipt in her hand. "Will this work?"

"Yes yes it will!" I said smiling. This was the first time I had smiled all day. It felt good to smile, to be happy, not to worry. I grabbed the things out of her hands and sat down. He left a note for me, so I wanted to leave a note for him.

I wrote:
It doesn't matter what I do,
It doesn't matter where I go,
It doesn't matter who I’m with,
If you’re not there, no matter how hard I try,
It won't ever feel right.

Without you there,
There's always a gaping space,
without you there,
There's always a missing part,
without you there,
Nothing will ever feel right.

I think of you every day,
every night before I sleep,
now and always,
I’ll have you in my heart,
now and always,
I’ll never forget.

No matter the distance,
no matter the time,
no matter the obstacles,
I'll always think of you,
and I hope, where ever you are,
you will be thinking of me too.

I love you.

I tried hard to smile while writing it. Every word was screamed from my heart. The words made my heart pound hard against my chest. The throbbing feeling didn’t hurt any more but I could still feel it.

Feeling numb, I stood up and kissed my poem. "I still love you. Forever yours –Mona" I said aloud. I took a deep breath and then threw the piece of paper off the bridge. Over the edge it floated down, tumbling down, drifting towards the water. Closer and closer it went to its death. That’s how I imagined it was for Jeremy. I hoped it was just as easy and painless.