Sisters

Sisters

November 7th, 2007; I can still remember that feeling of emptiness that spread through my body like highly potent venom. The feeling was so as I opened that heartbreaking letter was one of immense sadness, all I could do was read it to myself and take in all the words. I found it nearly impossible to bear, I felt like a ton of bricks hit me.

I was always the one that everyone looked to when they needed help, but now I found myself in that same weak and helpless position; searching for a shoulder to lean on; looking for stability to help me get back on my feet. It seemed as if a weight had been placed upon my chest and I couldn't breathe nor speak; I felt so pathetic in that moment. All I could do was stare down at that letter and let a warm tear run down my cheek.

I felt like I was reading something written in another language.

I was is complete denial


The tears fell onto the letter staining it; causing the delicate handwriting of my loving sister to disperse and create a rainbow of black on the paper. The piece of paper that I had just moments ago ripped out of it's envelope as if it were a chocolate bar with anticipation of finding pleasant tidings now brought me to my knees. It was winter outside in Ohio and the weather was almost as cold as my heart at that moment.



The letter read:

My dear sister,

Writing this letter pains me, but I feel it is my duty to inform you of the news. Emily wished to inform you however she was still much too upset. Seeing as I can delay these tidings no longer, please allow me first ensure you all concerning matters are being dealt with.

So, as much as I wish this grief not be given, I must tell you. Alice, your beloved sister, has passed on. She went last night in her sleep. Emily was the one who found her. Don't feel bad that you were unable to come to come to Arizona, Alice didn't want you to see the way she was anyways.

I know you must be devastated and I am terribly sorry for inflicting such grief upon you. I am sorry I was unable to speak with you in person or by phone regarding these serious matters, I am still adjusting to the news myself and I feared that I might lose my composure in front of you. My hand and heart are giving way. I will write more on a later date but for now know that you will be in my prayers. I hope all is well back home with you and your mother.
Lots of love,
Your Big Sister Haley

I had fallen to my knees while reading and had no strength to rise. I felt my chest heave, while my heart was heavy with sorrow. I bowed my head, paying a silent respect. My thoughts were lost to the recollection of past memories, her tranquil face etched into each one. Before long, I had wrapped my arms around myself, while still holding the letter, bent over in silent sorrow. Breathing was became difficult and tears were welled fast beneath my eye lids and slowly passed down my face.

Suddenly a hand rested upon my shoulder, I was startled and reached to it. I had forgotten that my mother was still present for I felt rather alone. Her face was finally comprehendible, the distance in her features all explained, for she was grievous too. I felt the need to cry out, as I expected her to feel as well. When I turned to her, all she did was hug me. Giving me that shoulder to cry on that I so badly needed.

I had just talked on the phone with Alice a little over a week ago. She seemed so happy and lively

“Hi! It has been forever since you've graced me with the presence of your voice.” I said in a joking tone as I continued to twirl the phone cord in between my fingers.

Alice giggled “It's only been two days. You couldn't have possibly missed me that much already.”

“Well I have! Haven't you missed me as well?” I said as I laughed into the phone.

Alice replied, “I've missed you almost as much as sir chirps a lot misses you. He has been keeping me up all night chipping ever since you left for Ohio. I'll say you certainly picked out the right name for him. Aren't birds supposed to sleep at night?”

“Well I did give him that name for a reason, and I think you may have found it.” I said as I smiled and switched the phone from one hand to the other.

“I guess I did find your reason, and it has been keeping me awake all night!”

I thought for a few seconds, “Well if you put a blanket over his cage he is a little more quiet. Oh and he doesn't like when you leave the light on that's right next to him.”

“I'll try putting a blanket over his cage tonight, or maybe I'll just put him in Emily's room. You know how much she hates him.” Alice said, probably with that evil grin she always got on her face before she did something malicious.

I sighed “Poor sir chirps a lot; you wouldn't want to put him in Emily's room. She has had it out for him ever since the day dad bought him for us.”

“I guess you're right. I can only imagine the kinds of evil stares Emily would give him. Besides that you know how she likes her sleep.”

“Well Alice it has been great talking with you, but I have go. So I'll talk with you again soon?” I inquired as I tilted my head toward the left.
“Yeah I'll call you in three days” She said
“Okay, bye!”

That was my last conversation with Alice. Two days after I had talked with her she was admitted to the hospital were she later passed away. I could not bare the strenuous sorrow that was resting upon me; I wished it all away, to not let it flow out from me but to be gone, gone from this world and the hearts and minds of those I held close to me. But it would not; it stayed heavier than before upon me, desperate to make it's stoic presence known. I would hold this burden until I could no longer do so.
I hung my head.

I was weak.

I could not bear her passing.

I wished to be stronger, to be able to look into another’s eyes and not cower back behind a mask, to show my thoughts and receive others as well. I wanted to be braver, to be able to face death and come out still standing strong. I craved even to be wrong, but more than that, to know that I was wrong and not fear it.
I couldn't do it.

I was terribly weak and most ashamed that I was weak.

I felt the tears run down, one after another in a steady procession. The glistening drops rolled down a path created by the first, none ventured from it as they slid across my cheeks, falling to the floor. On each side of my face, they continued on, in a seemingly endless trickle, although they were but a mere sample of the flooding within.

A warm soft hand wiped the trail of tears from the right of my face. I looked once more into my mother's brown eyes. They were full of understanding, as if she knew why I wept almost as if she understood what I was thinking. As each new tear appeared, it was wiped away by a gentle sweep of her thumb, this action of care made my sorrow deepen. All at once I felt myself nestled between her arms, releasing every grievous feeling, sorrowful thought, and rueful self-pity. With each passing breath I felt myself become lost in the heartache, silent mourning, and passing memories. Eventually, exhausted from the grief and lulled by my mothers steady breathing, I fell into a deep slumber, haunted by happy memories.

I had slept all night and was finally woken by the rising sun, I laid awake in the massive bed, until I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Soon my mothers face appeared

“Come , lets go for a walk.” she said as she reached out for my hand.

I grabbed her hand and we proceeded into the forest just a few steps off of our porch.


The path was thin, though thoroughly worn for I had walked it many times before. With the sprawling vines and evergreens steadily encroaching. Barely noticeable from the main path, it twisted and turned directly into the heart of the forest. Within the folds of the path, the world seemed to transform into a new land, and somehow relaxed me. Something about nature always made me feel better, it was my escape from the “real world'. We walked together through the forest all morning long and well into the afternoon allowing nature to whisper into our ears and taking in her wondrous sights. I enjoyed the feel of the undergrowth, scarce as it was, beneath my boots and the crackling it made. Snow covered the ground, and made it appear to be a white wonderland. The light breeze that blew through the walls of barren branches was a welcome sensation on the back of my neck . The seconds passed becoming minutes, while the minute slipped by soon becoming hours of our silent strolling.

As we walked through the forest a resolve come fast into my thoughts. I would grieve no longer for my loss, but I would rejoice in knowing her to be forever in peace. The loss of my sister inspired me to live my life in a new and intrepid way. Living each day to the fullest and surrendering to no challenges. I would miss her deeply; such longings might never part from me and I would forever remember this as the day and the letter that changed my life forever.