Seeking Love Part II

I lay down in the bed and I placed Hurt in front of me. I recalled an event that took place when I was in junior high school. I was home talking on the phone to one of my good friends. We were laughing and having fun, as teenagers did. My aunt, the mother of t he cousin that touched me, came over. She asked me to open the door. I took my time doing so, because I didn’t like her. When I opened the door I went back to my conversation. My aunt said something to me, and I replied. I don’t recall exactly what was said. I do remember saying “You didn’t say that when your son raped me.” She responded nonchalantly, “Oh Tameka, everybody rapes you.” It hurt for her not to understand that I didn’t request to be touched.  It hurt not to be believed. I reached over and began rocking. I held Hurt tightly. I cried until the wells of my eyes ran dry. When they ran dry, I dug deeper and found more. I cried until I was thirsty. I cried until my body bean to perspire. I cried until my soul cried out for me. I cried until my body ached. My soul wailed until a strange calm came over me. I opened my eyes and told Hurt that its time to let go. Without any exchanging of words, it departed. I exhaled deeply and released slowly. I was through for the evening. I pulled the covers back on the bed and grabbed my bear. I got in the bed and whispered “Thank you”, to the stranger. I closed me eyes and went into a deep slumber.

Chapter 4



I awakened with songs of chirping birds. I turned over in the bed and stretched. Peace had not filled my slumber in years, but last evenings rest made up for it all. My eyes opened slowly. The room was filled with sunshine and the breeze was nice. A smile rested upon my face. I got out of the bed and walked over to the window. It was a new day. The sun was beginning to peak through the clouds. Yet another thing I hadn’t experienced for a long period of time. I was famished. My tummy was growling and longing to be filled. I scanned the room. The previous day there hadn’t been anything to eat. I turned around and there was a table waiting for me. There was a feast fit for a queen (well, for a king, but you know). Fruits from every tree you can imagine, fresh cut vegetables, fluids of choice, animals to feast upon, and breads. There was a card sitting on the side of the table. It read “You did well. Remember you are never alone.” I picked up a plate that glistened like crystal. I filled it with fruits, eggs, bacon, and toast. I poured myself a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. I sipped from the glass. The juice was just they way I liked it. It was partially frozen and contained pulp, yummy. I took the plate back to my bed and sat down. The meal was ridiculously appetizing. When my meal was complete, I went to the window and gazed out of it. The prior day, I had not noticed the dandelions and lilies that ran along a stream. The stream wasn’t there yesterday, either. I watched the hummingbirds chase one another. While trees branches swayed in the breeze. It was a beautiful day. I sat in front of the window for what felt like hours. I decided I was going to open the door again, but who should I call out? I got up and went to the door that belonged to the dark room.



“Insecurity, Low self-esteem, and Curiosity”, I called out with tenderness. I decided to call upon those things because I remembered the order they appeared in my life. After figuring out why the first members were chosen. I followed the same pattern. These members entered the room with me between the ages of seven and eleven. Still a baby, I was. The members came to door. It seemed as they were happy to see me. I wasn’t thrilled to see them. Their roles in my life were detrimental to my childhood and a small portion of my adulthood. I really didn’t want to do what I was about to do. You would think that it would get easier. It didn’t.



As I stood there dreading having to face them, I remembered something: “It gets worse before it gets better.” Very few people believe this, but it does. Of course that failed to make me feel better. Actually, had I not known what it felt like when it got better, I would’ve given up.



I retrieved the members in my arms and carried them to the bed with me. I set them down and I sat down. I looked at them and remembered each of them well.  The three of them entered the room when I was attending junior high school. Those days were difficult. I was going thru puberty, was one of the darkest skinned girls at school, I was overweight (compared to many), had begun growing moles on my face, and to top it off I was taller than most individuals at the school (especially the guys). I was the outcast. Many girls had boyfriends and I didn’t. My peers had name brand clothing, I didn’t. I had nice clothes, but they weren’t brand named. The kids, I hung with, were considered cool. I never fit in, although, the majority of us attended elementary together. When everyone began to have boyfriends and hang out, I began to feel like I was ugly. I didn’t understand why no one would ask me for my number or wanted to go out with me. As I sat on the bed, I began feeling what I felt when I was in junior high school. I knew I had to go back to the room and call out another member. I walked to the door dragging my feet and poking out my bottom lip, I’m a little dramatic at times. I opened the door. I didn’t have to call out anyone. The member I needed as awaiting my arrival. I knelt down and gently rubbed it. I picked it and kicked the door shut with my foot. I walked over to the bed and hugged it tightly. The other Low self-esteem, Insecurity, and Curiosity sat and watched. I turned to look at them and their eyes were filled with tears. They knew exactly what I was feeling. They were born because of the member that I cradled in my arms, Loneliness.



While my peers reminisced on conversations with their boyfriends, I felt left out. Everyone had what I wanted. The boys were attracted to the lighter skinned slim girls. When Valentine’s Day came around, everyone go cards with the exception of me. I was lonely. I remember one day standing in front of the school. My friends and I were laughing and chatting. A guy and some girl were passing by. They weren’t together. My friends said “Damn, he’s fine” and my mind said “Ooooooh she’s cute.” I don’t know where that thought came from. I had never seen women together. We weren’t permitted to watch shows that involved sex. I just didn’t know. I went home that evening and I was like “I HAD TO FIND A BOYFRIEND, I’M NOT GAY!!!”



I remember when I was in the fourth grade; I thought my teacher was a lesbian. She had a sleep over and invited a few of the students to her home. My aunt was skeptical about letting me go, but she did. My teacher’s apartment was on the beach. She had a roommate. The roommate was a woman but she wasn’t as feminine as my teacher was. I never told my aunt that. My aunt would’ve had a cow. Of course, at my age I thought my aunt was paranoid, she wasn’t. She was just protective. Ever since I met them, I was curious and fascinated by them. By the time I reached the 5th grade I had forgotten about them. I remembered my teacher because she was the best teacher I had had.



When I had the thought of the girl at my school, I found me a boyfriend. He lived in my neighborhood. We’d known each other for years. We started dating and being intimate. I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t gay. When I got to high school, I was asked to join the basketball team. I declined, because I thought only gay girls played basketball. When I turned 18, I was with my first woman. Three weeks after being with this woman, I told my aunt. My aunt told me that she knew I was with women. She told me that God had told her when I was around 10 or eleven years old. When my aunt told me that, I remembered her telling me when I was 10 or 11 that God showed her what I was going to be when I grew up. At that time, I asked her, “What am I going to be? A doctor, a lawyer, or a teacher?” She told me “You will know when you grow up.” So God had already prepared her, but I wasn’t prepared.



…I put Loneliness down and went back to the dark room. I had to pick up a few more members. I wasn’t discouraged, I just felt overwhelmed. I thought that I would only have to focus on a few members at a time, but I was wrong. I began feeling like no one cared for me. I began thinking about how supported I was when I was in the room, but no one was here to support me now. I wasn’t happy. The feeling I had earlier that day had disappeared. I didn’t feel loved. This time I went into the room. I didn’t want to deal with anyone except for Love. I felt alone, unwanted, cold and hot. I longed for the comfort I knew before. When I was in the room, I didn’t have to deal with all of the things I had to cope with outside of the room. Yes it was nice outside, but strange. I knew what I knew. When I entered the room, I noticed that there was no more circulating than it had been prior to me leaving. When I went in the room, my plan was to find love not comfort. I found comfort. Comfort didn’t accommodate as it did before. The room was the same room, but it didn’t feel like mine. I didn’t fit into it like I did before. I was frustrated. All that I’d known had changed and it didn’t belong to me. Some of the remaining members welcomed me back into the room. Others felt that I was a trader and didn’t belong there. Then there were some that didn’t care if I was there or not. Here it is, yet again, I don’t fit in. What was I suppose to do? I dint want to go back into the Light. The Darkness no longer belonged to me. I was lost.



The room became tight. I knew I didn’t belong there, so I left. I went back into the Light. My eyes had to readjust. When they readjusted, I walked to the bed and sat down. I got upset with myself. I was supposed to go to the room and get a few more members but I went in. I attempted to go back to the place that I was once was but it didn’t belong to me. I don’t know how much time I spent in the room, but it was time wasted. I went searching for love, but was side tracked. I was supposed to be going to retrieve other members, but I became distracted. Remembering who I was going to get, I got up again and went to get them. I opened the door and called out Lesbianism. The bastard would not come out. It was a really stubborn member. While in the room, this was one of the most difficult members to detach myself from. I remember it offering me Love, Companionship, Attention, Understanding and Patience. They provided me with all of the things that I truly desired. Lesbianism had been attached to me umpteen years. It was a great force that snatched it away from me. Having it latched on to me felt nice. I battled it for years and I prayed to a stranger that I didn’t know to take it away from me. One day I woke up with it latched on to me and before the day’s end, it wasn’t. It was detached but it remained in the room with me. Although, it was detached, I still played with it occasionally. I called out to Lesbianism again. It did not respond. I got fed up and slammed the door. I leaned my back against the door and permitted my body to glide downward until my rear end met the ground. I sat on the floor and stared at the members on the bed. Insecurity, Loneliness, Curiosity, and Low self-esteem stared back at me. I felt a pounding against the door as I leaned upon it. I listened to the snarls and growls are that were protruding from behind the door. I felt the moods from the members on the bed change. Their eyes turned red and they began echoing the snarls and growls that were coming from the room. The members upon the bed hopped off and rolled towards me. I didn’t move. There was no escaping them. The growls coming from behind the door intensified. The members stopped in front of me. Their eyes were glowing and eerie crimson red. Their growl became more intimidating. I sat still. There was no where I could hide. The members in the room began pushing against the door with Determination. The members that were in the Light began biting me. I dared not move away from the door. I didn’t want those members to attack me. I didn’t have any options. What was I to do? The stranger said that I would never be alone, but I was. I needed an escape or help. Nothing was being offered. No one was there to help me.  The members continued to bite me. In the beginning the bites were small and bearable. Theta soon ended and the bites began penetrating through my skin. I screamed out. The pain was excruciating. I tried to fan them off of me, but it didn’t work. I kicked them off and they rolled back towards me. There was no winning. I was out numbered.” You said that you would always be here for me. Where are you? Help me!” I screamed out to no one but was hoping the stranger heard me. I felt like I was screaming to the walls instead of someone. I felt that my cry for help was useless. I continued to fight. I was losing. I looked up during the battle and I saw Loneliness coming towards me. Before I was able to block it, it pounced upon my head.



I awake nearly an hour later. The stranger was rubbing my cheek gently. I tried to sit up, but I was dizzy. The stranger gently guided my head back upon His lap. I was upset, hurt, and discouraged. I wondered how much more I had to endure before I could get away from this situation. I wanted to go away. Why couldn’t I just leave all of this behind me? I looked towards the window. The song the birds sang was beautiful. My heart longed for the freedom that the birds sang about. The stranger said “How bad do you want it?”  I didn’t know what to say. Was I supposed to say anything at all? I didn’t feel like it was fair that I had to deal with these members again when I wasn’t the one who created them. Some of the members entered the room on their own accord. Why did I have to get rid of them? I lay on His lap. His touch was soothing. He rubbed my cheeks and ran His fingers thru my hair. I shut my eyes. I was upset, hurt, and did not want to go on. I remembered the life I lived I the room. It was less complex than the one I had in the Light. I use to hear everyone bragging about how great the Light was. No one ever expressed that being in the Light meant that you had to work harder than you ever had before. While in the dark, I had everything I wanted. In the Light, I had to work hard for the things I wanted. As I’d learned earlier, the stranger knew my thoughts. Before He was able to speak, I asked a question. “Who are you,” I asked. He continued stroking my cheek. When He spoke it sounded like a host of bells were ringing. His voice was smooth and calm. It was like music. His voice was as a symphony playing a tune for a ballet. The voice was assuring and peaceful. This man could’ve told me anything and I would’ve trusted him. He simply replied “I am He.” I didn’t know who “He” was, but I knew I was safe. His arms guided my body into an upright position. He stood. He lifted from the floor and carried me to the bed. I sat down. He handed me a package and told me to read it. He said “All that I am, you will find in here.” With that statement, He disappeared.



I opened the package. The 1st page said Psalm 27. I turned the page and read. “The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I Fear. The Lord is the Strength of my life of whom shall I be afraid”. “The Lord?” I questioned myself. “The Light is the Lord?” I thought back to what I heard over the years. As I grew up, people use to tell me about the Lord. I couldn’t say that I honestly believed in Him. I only knew what people told me. I had never witnessed Him for myself. I questioned His existence. I couldn’t understand why He, the Lord, would permit such negative things to happen to me. I was a child. Didn’t He protect children? I was on a 50/50 boarder. I believed in Him because that’s what I was taught. I doubted Him because I’d never experience Him. Now, I was dumbfounded. The Lord caught me and held me. He spoke to me. He revealed Himself to me. I am 31 years old. Some people that are older in age had never been visited by Him. Why did He choose to show up now? Why was He making me relive all of those things? It wasn’t fair then. It isn’t fair now. I reread that the entry. “The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I Fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid.” I fought my way thru darkness to reach the Light. So I was reaching for Him, this stranger.



I reread the entry. “The Lord is my Light and my Salvation whom I fear. The Lord is the Strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid”. Strength and Fear accompanied me in the dark room. Strength was one of my favored members. Remembering Strength reminded of the earlier attack. My attention left the package handed to me by the stranger (correction: by the Lord). I began searching the room for the members. The three of them, Loneliness, Low self-esteem, and Curiosity all stood next to the dark room’s door. They were still. The banging of the door had ceased. There was total peace. I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly.  I placed the package under a pillow and went to the door. The members that were in the Light with me began to tremble when I neared them. I looked at them and said not a word. As I walked to the door, I noticed a change within myself. I walked with more confidence and authority. I opened the door and called upon “Lesbianism”. This time it approached the door without any hesitance. I looked upon it when it stopped at the threshold. I raised an eyebrow and it crossed the threshold without me saying a word. When it exited the room, I shut the door. It joined the rest of the members. I began walking towards the bed. As I was walking, I told it to follow me. Instead of sitting on the bed, I sat on the floor. I asked Lesbianism to sit with me. It came over and sat on my lap. I closed my eyes and remembered. 



I was in middle school when it first entered my life. I denied it. I was 18 years old when I chose to engage in it. It took 10 years for it to be taken away from me and two additional years for me to stop playing with it. In the midst of searching for Love, Lesbianism offered it to me. It had offered me more of it than I had ever experienced in life. It comforted me. It noticed me and supported me. It gave me all that I didn’t receive from others. During our interaction, others told me that it was wrong and it wasn’t of God. I didn’t know this “God” they referred to, but I prayed to Him. I asked Him “If it isn’t meant for me to be gay, then why I am gay? Why am I attracted to these women? I had never been exposed to this.” I had never received an answer. If I had, I probably didn’t want to hear it, because I’d enjoyed what I was doing. I remembered the day that it had been taken away from me.



I woke up one Sunday morning, January 21, 2007, to be exact. I went to church. The service was marvelous as usual. The Pastor called for alter prayer. My best friend and I went up for prayer. There were approximately twenty of us that went up for prayer. When prayer was over, I went back to my seat but my best friend was still there. I arrived to my pew. I remained standing and sang along with the choir. I heard a voice say “Reach up and pull it down.” I didn’t know what “it” was. I was skeptical about doing what the Holy Spirit told me to do. I also cared about what people would think I was doing. All of those thoughts passed in a few seconds. I reached up as I was instructed to do. I was then filled with the Holy Ghost. The next thing I know, I was on the floor. A spirit left me and I blacked out. I don’t know how long I was out. When I came to, it felt like I was buried alive. I started reaching through my grave. I screamed for Jesus when I broke through it. Then my body started dancing. I was concerned about someone stepping on my head. I was lying on the floor and had no control. I felt a man standing over me protecting me. I thought it was my best friend’s husband, but it wasn’t. It was an angel. How I know it was an angel, you may ask. Well, during the entire service there were only four people sitting on my row. It was my best friend, her husband, another man, and me. The guy’s complexion was dark and smooth. He had dreads pulled back into a ponytail. He wore a purple shirt with a coordinating tie and black slacks. During the entire service, the man was still. He sat with his elbows on his lap and his head rested on his folded hands. As clear as this is to me, my best friend never saw the guy. When I was on the floor, my best friend’s husband was in the restroom. When I got up, I watched the people of the church. Many were filled with the Holy Spirit. They danced and smiled. I looked upon them thinking, “How could they be so happy? Didn’t they know that a spirit was in here?” When I got up from the floor, my best friend was back to her seat. The atmosphere calmed down a little. The 1st Lady of the church was singing.  The majority of the church was standing. I was sitting. My best friend took my hand and pulled on me to stand up. I stood. I sang along with the 1st Lady. We sang “Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. It is the sweetest name I know.” The voice that came out of my mouth was beautiful. I sat back down. I was in a daze. Something was wrong. I didn’t know what. When service was over, I walked outside of the church bare feet. My best friend, her husband, and I were going to the car, when someone called my name. When I looked towards the direction of the voice, something told me to act normal. I went to the woman. I recognized her. She and I used to recite poetry together at a well known book store several years prior to this event. She told me that her and her husband attended that church. She continued on with the conversation. I needed her to get out of my face. My best friend came over and offered me a pair of sandals. I looked down at the sandals and didn’t know what to do with them. Something said act normal, put the shoes on. I slid my feet into the sandals. The woman continued talking and I shook my head to everything she said. She didn’t notice anything wrong. I offered her my number so I could leave. The conversation ended soon after that. I got in the car with my friends. I sat in the back seat and closed my eyes. I needed rest. I was tired. I just knew I needed rest. My best friend drove. She took a different route home and I knew every street she turned upon without opening my eyes. As she drove, the radio played. Her husband sang along with it. I was rejoicing, because he never really sang the gospel songs she and I enjoyed. I continued lying there still and with shut eyes. I began singing, but I didn’t sing out loud. My best friend heard me singing. She turned around and looked at me sitting in the back seat. She knew I wasn’t singing aloud. When she looked at me, my eyes were closed, my head was against the seat, and I was still. She adjusted the rearview mirror to watch me as she drove. She listened to me sing…she was listening to my soul. Right before we arrived home, I heard her and her husband discussing going to the store to get some fresh string beans. We arrived home and her husband opened the door for me. I nearly fell out of the car, because my back was against the door. I caught myself. I opened my eyes and searched the car. I knew I had to get something but I didn’t know what. I heard the voice say “act normal”. I didn’t know what “normal” was at this point. I searched the car. I saw my purse. “Yes, that’s yours. Pick it up.” I did so. I continued the search. I saw my shoes. “Yes, yes, the shoes are yours. Pick them up.” I did so. Then I got out of the car and went to the front door. When I got there, I stood for a little while. I waited for minutes for the couple to come open the door. I had left my keys at home that morning. When they didn’t come, I figured they had left to go to the store. So, I sat down on the ground. They finally came to the door. They had never gone anywhere. They assisted me from the ground and let me into our home. I went to the bathroom and used it. I never looked into the mirror because I feared what I would see. I went to my room and it was a disaster. Clothes and shoes were everywhere. I didn’t have much control over myself. I couldn’t speak. I had to inform my friend that something was wrong. So I didn’t change clothes nor did I clean my room. I got in my bed. I had a cough drop in my mouth. All I had control over were my eyes and my tongue. Tears fell from my eyes as I concentrated on getting the cough drop from my mouth. I was determined to get it out. If I didn’t then I would choke. Please don’t ask me how I knew, I just did. While I was working on the cough drop, the Holy Spirit was speaking to my friend. She was in the kitchen preparing to cook dinner. The Holy Spirit was urging her to come see about me, but she kept saying she would as soon as she put dinner on. Finally, she went into the cabinets to take out the pots, but they all fell out. When that occurred, she told the Holy Spirit “okay”, and then came to check on me. When she arrived at my door, she saw me in the bed crying. She went to the dresser and anointed some oil. She anointed herself and closed my room door. She came over to me and started touching my body in different places. She stopped. One hand was on my head and one was on my heart. I realized she was praying over me. As soon as I realized that, my body flew off of the bed. It didn’t roll. I flew. It was as if someone picked me up and threw me. I landed on the ground like a raggedy Ann doll. My best friend had jumped back. Her only thought was “Oh sh*t”. She stood above me and began praying. As she started praying, satan started speaking. The language that came forth sounded like a garbage disposal. That went on for a couple of minutes, and then I blacked out. I came to and I said “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”. Then I blacked out. I knew everything he was going to say before he said it. I came to and said “Whatever, whatever, whatever.” Then I blacked out. The very next time I came to, I was praying. I was saying a prayer that I said daily. At this point I was confused. I thought I was myself. Just when I thought that, he began laughing. He said “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” He was laughing at me. My best friend began praying even harder. I (he) looked into her face. He became furious.  He wanted to hit her. I couldn’t permit that. If he hit her, then she would fly across the room. She would be hurt. I began fighting. When he realized, I wouldn’t permit him to hit her, he became even more furious. At this point, tears were streaming down my face and my nose was stopped up. He looked into her face and blew snot up. When that happened, she got furious with him. She took her hand and slammed my head to the ground. I didn’t feel the impact. After that I saw Jesus on the cross. I felt when He received the very first strike from the whip. When He was hit, my body jumped and backed arched. I received the strike with him. I heard a voice say “By His stripes I am healed.” Finally, the battle was won. I began to celebrate. I began singing this beat to a song by Tye Tribbett. My body was dancing. When the dance was over, I began praying. I prayed like I never prayed before. My friend helped me off of the floor. Her prayers never ceased. We ended our prayer on one accord, “In Jesus name, Amen”. When the prayer ended, I went over to the bed. I was tired. I was so tired. My friend pulled on my arm and said not to lie down. I told her I was tired. She told me to lets go outside. I said yes, take me outside. When I got outside, I began to vomit. Then we took a walk. As we walked, there was a golden glow ahead of us. I don’t know if she saw it, but there was. During our walk, God revealed my spiritual gifts to me. During our walk, my best friend was amazed at an event that took place. She compared the event to Peter walking on water. We walked back to the house and watched a bird fly towards the sky. When I could no longer see it, I knew it was over. My best friend’s husband joined us in the front yard. They escorted me into the house. When I went to the bathroom, I showered. I hadn’t noticed a large scratch on my face until I got out of the tub. It just looked like skin had been peeled away. We cared for it and then I went to bed. The very next day, I told my best friend that I wasn’t gay any longer. She simply said “I know”. I told my best friend everything that occurred during church service. Then we both shared our sides of the prior day’s events. It was remarkable. She thought that it was just a demonic spirit that she was helping fight against. I told her “No, it was satan himself.”



I sat there with Lesbianism and remembered the times after my deliverance. Conviction rested upon me. I remember when I finally said no more. It took two years after my deliverance to finally deny it completely. After I denied it access into my life, I gave God all of the praise. I couldn’t have done it alone. I looked at Lesbianism and it refused to look at me. I gently embraced it and said “goodbye”. It faded away. I looked towards the remaining members in the room. There were only two there. Curiosity left with Lesbianism. I got up from the floor and summoned the remaining members to come to me. I sat on the bed. Low self-esteem and Loneliness, one by one, they hopped onto the bed to join me. I wanted to go to sleep. I was mentally drained. My eyelids were heavy. The two of them snuggled against me. They felt my exhaustion. They snuggled against me even more. They began to rock me. I wanted to finish dealing with them before I went to asleep. My body was being rocked gently and temperature of their bodies warmed mine. I thought I was capable of completing my task, but I was wrong. I drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 5



        I was outside playing kickball one evening. The ball went over the building. I went to the other side of the building to get it. A familiar guy sat in the car holding the ball. He told me to come get it. Instead of getting the ball I got inside of the car. I was sitting in the back seat of a car. There were card boards in the side windows of the back seat. I didn’t know where we were going and I was too afraid to ask. We arrived to an orange house. I was taken into the house. The guy pulled down my pants and my panties. We climbed on top of me… A lie.



There was total darkness, but I felt hands all over me. There was more than one pair. There was a multitude. They made me feel dirty. They made me feel unlovable and disposable. They took my worth away. They stole my innocence. My laughter was taken. My love was taken. Then they left me in darkness. The Truth.



I sat alone in a room. I hid there. It was cold and empty. I could not trust anyone. I needed to be alone, but I wasn’t. There were shadows on the wall of the dark room. A witch was tapping her fingers on the wall. My shut eyes were invaded by demonic imagery that no one ever told me existed. They never left, but they sat in silence.



I sat in court and was questioned. I sat in a psychiatrist office and was evaluated. I sat under the scrutiny of family members. I sat in lies and fabrication.



I sat alone, in my dream which turned into a reality.



I awake in the bed. Loneliness and Low self-esteem accompanied me. They were still snuggling me. I wasn’t as warm as I was earlier that day. My dreams scared me. I reached for Loneliness and I hugged it. I squeezed it tightly. I felt unloved and uncared for. I squeezed it tightly and searched it thoroughly. I was searching for Love within it. I needed it desperately. Loneliness didn’t have it. I threw it against the wall. I took a hold of Low self-esteem and searched it. It didn’t have it either. I threw it against the wall. I jumped from the bed and went to the dark room. I flung the door open.  I entered the room and slammed the door behind me. I tore through every member that got in my way. I needed Love. I was tired of dealing with these other members and settling for what they had to offer. I realized they never cared for me. They used me. They needed me to live. They didn’t exist without me. I was pissed off. I screamed out for Love. It didn’t answer. I searched until I was exhausted. I pushed and pulled members out of my way. I couldn’t find it. I sat on the ground not caring who was beneath me. Streams of tears flowed down my face. I was alone. I had always been alone. Even surrounded by family and friends, I was alone. They never knew my deepest thoughts, aches, pains, desires, or thoughts. They didn’t understand me. I never fit in. I felt like a stranger. Everyone else was normal. I wished I lived a different life. I wished I had a different family. I wished I was rich and had the best of clothes and a car at the age of 16. I wish my dad had lived and not my mom. If he had, then he would still be sort of dead. The judicial system would not have believed him, had he claimed he killed her out of self defense. He would’ve been in jail. His life would have no longer belonged to him. I couldn’t win for losing. I cried and cried and I cried. No one in the room came o my rescue. The river of tears finally stopped flowing. I tried to get up, but I couldn’t. I was being weighed down. The weight was on my shoulders. I attempted to move. I couldn’t. I heard a voice say “You belong to me.” I wiggled my body around and could not get free. The voice laughed and said “You belong to me.” My eyes were open, but I could not see from whence the voice was coming from. I searched the room, but it was if I was impaired visually. My eye sight had not adjusted to the darkness. The voice bombarded its way through my thoughts and invaded my eardrums. “Remember when you kneeled down in your aunt’s front yard. You bowed and said “I worship you satan.” I attempted to pretend as I didn’t recall what he was talking about. The voice continued “There were witnesses. Your aunt and your cheerleader coach were there. You can not deny it. You came to me. Therefore, you belong to me.” I argued in defense “I only did that because my aunt thought I was crazy. I do not belong to you. I’ve never belong you. You’ve tried to destroy me, attempted to kill me, and nearly succeeded in stealing my sanity away. You no longer have authority in my life. I’ve discovered the truth about you. You scurry away from the Light. You prey on the weak and you weaken the strong. You are manipulative and conniving. You do not mean anything good in anyone’s life.” There was absolute silence. The members were still. I was still. No voice. The room echoed sounds from my breathing and my heart beating. After waiting, I decided to move from the position I was in. I walked to the door. Making my way to the door was less complicated than any other time. That was weird. None of the members shouted; neither did they attempt to stop me from exiting. If it weren’t for their presence, I would’ve thought that I was in the room alone. There was an eerie feeling in the atmosphere. I was relieved when my hand connected with the door knob. Just as I began to turn the knob, satan attacked me viciously. His voice was thunderous. He said “So you are seeking Love, are you? You want it. Here it is…” he slammed me with memories. He showed me how my mother didn’t come around for my sister’s and my birthdays, because she was reminded of our father’s death. He asked me, how could my mother celebrate our lives when she was reminded of his death? He reminded me of her empty promises. He reminded me of how she was able to kill our father, but not her brother. Her brother, who stole her daughter’s innocence, lived and got away with it. He reminded me of how much my mother truly loved me, when she chose drugs over her children. “That’s what Love offers you,” satan said. “So why are you seeking love again” he asked laughing. I stood strong, although his hits bruised me. I was overwhelmed and beaten with emotions. Everything he showed me had truly occurred. He didn’t fabricate or exaggerate a thing. He was right, but he was also wrong. That wasn’t all Love offered me. Love showed me that it existed. Love lived in my aunt that raised my siblings and me after she had already raised her own children. Love existed when my mother had someone draw me picture for my birthday, because she could not draw as well as them. Love existed when my mother wrote that she loved me inside of my scrapbook without me knowing. Love told me she loved me every time my mother called me “Chocolate”. Love was real. I was searching for it, because it existed at one point in time. I needed it. I was fighting for it. I would’ve died for it. Love…



Satan laughed harder than anytime before. I listened as his laughter trailed away. When silence resided in the room once again, I let go of the door and sat on the floor. My back was against the wall. I knew there was a point to all of this madness. The Lord had to have a purpose in making me go through hell all over again. I knew why I had to go back outside of the room. I had to do it because the Light drew me to it. There was freedom outside of the dark room, but frustration began to settle in. I felt the atmosphere shift in. I began questioning myself. “Why should I go outside of this room? What did the other room, truly have to offer me? I was leaving one room to go into another, but I wasn’t actually free. One room was dark. The other was well lit. One room created members. The other destroyed them. One room offered no comfort. The other was full of it. Both of the rooms shared multiple similarities: the members, me, a certain level of comfort (depending on how you looked at it). The one thing they both offered that I desired most was freedom, but both of them made me work for it! I felt defeated. In the dark room, I was free to hide. I didn’t have to deal with anything. In the Light, I had to face everything…I was tired. I just wanted to be completely free. I wanted to go outside of the window and sit next to the river. I wanted to wiggle my naked toes in the water as schools of silver fish tickled the bottom of my bare feet. I wanted to lie on the carpet of grass beneath the tree and take a nap as the sunbathed me and the breeze cooled me off. I wanted to watch the squirrels gather nuts and store them in the hollow parts of the trees. I wanted to watch the birds fly in their different formations in the sky. I wanted… A gentle voice invaded my thoughts. He said “How bad do you want it?” I recognized the voice by now. I also knew His presence. I didn’t raise my head to look at Him. I simply replied “I am tired.” He stood patiently and listened to me while I whined. When my complaints ceased, He extended His hand to me to help me up. I lifted my head and tears streamed down my face. He smiled at me and asked “Are you ready?” I smiled and asked in return “Do I have a choice?” He continued smiling and said “Always.” I placed my hand into His and He pulled me from the floor. He led me back into the well lit room and He disappeared…again. I felt my heart move. Just as it moved, I heard Him say I will never leave you. I said aloud “I know, I know. And You will never forsake me. ” my heart leaped and I smiled. It felt as The Lord laughed, because it made me giggle. As I giggled, I remembered Low Self-Esteem and Loneliness. I was so apologetic for how I’d treated them earlier. I saw them sitting on the bed. They stared at me nervously. I went over to them and apologized for my previous actions. I explained to them, that I was upset. I apologized for not redirecting my anger. I told them that I cared very much about them, but it was time for me to get pass them. I held Loneliness and remembered the days that I excluded myself from people and events. I remembered feeling like I was being talked about and judged. In my other arm I held Low self-esteem. Its eyes were large and wide. I saw my reflection within them. I saw my true beauty. I dismissed thoughts of how others felt about me and what they said. I leaned down and hugged them both tightly. When I sat up, they were gone.