"What Was I Thinking?"

Not again, this really can’t be happening to me again, I thought as we were passing the football field. My mom was there, I could see the look of disappointment on her face as we pulled away. I couldn’t believe that I let myself fall back into the habit that had gotten me here just a few months prior.
I was on my way to rehab, again, in the back of a cop car, again. I am addicted, addicted to attention, drama, nicotine, sex, drugs, and alcohol. I am seventeen years old, I should be graduating from High School in June of this year, and I just found out I am pregnant.
My name is Angelina Star and I am about to let you know how I overcame peer pressure and drug addiction. It was not easy and looking back now I realize that my stubborn ways almost killed me, and my son.
It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen my family, my friends, or my life. I’ve gone through all the programs and I have convinced all the doctors I am committed to being sober. It’s time to get back to school and straighten my life out. Little did I know that my mom already had a meeting with the school and they determined that my grades were too bad to even try to graduate. They also decided that my drug and alcohol problem was more than they wanted to deal with and said that if I didn’t go 6 months sober, at least, I wouldn’t be permitted to return to try to graduate the following year.
So here I am, kicked out of school, pregnant, and alone. It only took about two weeks before I was right back into my old habits. It was somewhat easier this time because with my mom at work during the time that I would usually be in school, my friends were now skipping school to hang out at my place. I knew that the smoking, drinking, and drugs were not good for my baby but I could not hang out with my friends without being involved. I even started stealing blank checks from my mom’s boyfriend, Fred, to pay for these parties at my house. This went on for about eight months before Fred caught on to money missing from his account.
“She is out of here! I don’t care that she is pregnant or under eighteen!” screamed Fred to my mother, Jill.
“She is my daughter there is no way I am letting you kick her out,” responded Jill.
“Jill, she has been stealing our money for drugs, she doesn’t care about anyone but herself, she doesn’t care that she is killing her baby!” said Fred.
Jill pleaded, “Fred, please don’t do this. I will pay you back every cent she has stolen, and don’t assume it’s for drugs, she has been good since rehab!”
“You are blind, why do you think she has been wearing so much makeup! And I don’t want you to pay me back! It is the principle of the matter. She is gone, my decision is final,” fought Fred.
My mother realized that there was no use in fighting any more that night so she packed a bag. I was at my boyfriend, Rich’s house when I got the phone call.
“I’ll be there to pick you up in five minutes, you better be ready and you better be sober,” said Jill.
“But Mom, I was going to stay here for the night, why do I have to come home?” I pleaded.
“We aren’t going home. I’ll be there in three,” Jill responded.
Of course I was not sober, so as I hurried to change my clothes, brush my teeth and touch-up my makeup she was already outside beeping the horn. I could see the anger on her face when I got in the passenger side. She had tears running down her face. “What happened Mom, where are we going and why?” I asked. She didn’t answer. We rode in silence northbound through downtown Pittsburgh and up to Beaver County. I had assumed we were going to my Dad’s but we went straight past his house and continued through the country roads of Freedom.
We pulled up to my cousin’s house, it was 12:13 AM and there were no lights on. I got out of the car with no questions. I figured what was the point, she will talk to me when she wants. Karlee answered the door. Karlee just graduated college and moved back home to help pay off her bills. She was the A+ student who the whole family loved.
“Hey Karlee, can you get your mom,” asked Jill.
“Seems like it’s been a rough night, come on in,” responded Karlee.
Karlee disappeared down the hallway and her mother, Jasmine walked into the room.
“Hey Jas, I’m sorry it is so late, long story, but can we stay the night?” said Jill.
Jasmine responded, “yeah, lets get you some blankets.”
We were woken up at 7:00AM when the Karlee and Jasmine got up for work. Jasmine told us that we could stay but if we left to make sure the house was locked up.
“So, what gives Mom?” I asked.
“Fred knows you stole money from him, are you using again?” Jill responded.
“Uh, Mom, I am sorry, I’ll pay him back, I just need to find a job first. You know with the baby and everything I needed some food and stuff,” I responded, thinking I played it cool enough.
Jill, obviously not buying my story said, “Why are you doing this? Do you know what you are doing to yourself, to this baby, to me?!?! I thought we were beyond all of this, that you wanted to change your life for this baby.”
“I do Mom! I don’t do it all the time, just sometimes. I have tried to quit, I really have, I cannot quit smoking though, and sometimes cigarettes just aren’t enough. I’m sorry mom I don’t know what to say. But why are we here? Why did you have to pick me up last night and why are we at Jas and Karlee’s?” I said.
“Fred won’t let you back in the house, he said that this is the last straw for you. Of course you are my daughter and I can’t just leave you out on the street. We need to find a place to stay. I have to ask Jas later if she minds if we stay here for a little while until Fred cools down,” Jill said.
“Wow, Mom I am sorry, maybe I can stay at Rich’s place. It is his kid. I have friends too. I can find places to stay,” I said apologetically.
“And have you keep up with this drug and alcohol nonsense?! Absolutely not! You have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow, we are doing a full checkup. I want you to see what you are doing to this baby, the doctor needs to know,” Jill scolded.
The conversation continued with me begging to not tell the doctor and my mother scolding me. Jasmine had told my mom that we could stay until she either worked things out with Fred or we found our own place. I don’t know how many details my mom actually told Jasmine but I was grateful that I at least didn’t have to be jumping places to stay every night.
As expected, the visit to the doctor went horribly. He of course freaked when he heard about the drugs and alcohol. He wasn’t so mad about the cigarettes but didn’t leave that out of the scolding. It turned into a seven hour ordeal. He insisted on taking multiple tests to see how affected the baby was by the drugs.
The end of the day was my wake up call. The doctor came in and told me that my baby was only alive because of my daily “fix.” He said that if I were to quit taking drugs that my baby would die. The baby was addicted and in order for him to survive I would have to check myself into a clinic to obtain a certain amount of drugs every day until he was born. You would think that a free dose of drugs would excite a drug addict but instead I was heartbroken. He said that the baby would have to stay in the hospital for at least a month after he was born just to be weaned off of the drugs and even after that, he was going to need to be monitored for up to the first year for his system to recoup from the addiction. There was a 50/50 chance of survival, an even greater chance that he would come out with a disability, and he was labeled as prone to grow up and become a drug user and/or a criminal.
That day I walked out of the hospital and walked into my new life. I went to the clinic every morning, spent the afternoon applying and interviewing for jobs and looking for a place to call home. I had been slapped in the face with the reality check of what I had been doing to myself, my mom, and most of all, my poor defenseless baby boy.
Jacob was born at 6:28PM on October 1, 2010. I found a trailer just down the road from my dad’s house and just a half hour away from Rich and my mom. I got a job at Eat n Park and have been making payments to Rich to pay back the money I owe. Jacob is still in the hospital getting treated for the horrible state I put him in. I have not touched any drugs or alcohol since he has been born and I don’t plan to again. I have talked to my school and although they said they do not trust me to come back to attend classes, they will help me through a private tutor to be able to graduate next year. This experience has changed my whole outlook on life and I realize now that what I do doesn’t just affect me, but everyone who I love around me.